Friday, March 6, 2009

Brits! Stop Yer Bitchin'!

So, let me get this straight, British press: Your PM, Gordon Brown, comes crashing the White House, bothering The Big Brother during the worst clusterfuck in US history, and yall are whining because he didn't ... what? ... curtsy, or someshit?!

Now, look, I guess I'm all into protocol and all that mess, giving people their propers, and all that, but come on, dude, sorry, Sir Dude, what were you expecting? You're like that relative who calls you up, asking if you're busy, only to find out that they're right outside your doorstep.

Well, guess what, homebloke, The Big Brother is busy. He's busy overseeing his budget-breaking stimulus package; he's busy announcing a $75 billion foreclosure prevention plan; he's busy trying to pass a gazillion-dollar budget; he's busy battling Republicans; he's busy keeping Reid and Pelosi from losing their gotdamned minds; he's busy trying to figure out what to do with AIG, the entire defaulting financial sector in the world's largest economy, and that nation's bankrupt auto industry; oh yeah, he's also busy trying to figure out how to extricate himself from Iraq, come up with a somewhat coherent strategy in Afghanistan, and, hopefully, catch Osama bin Laden; all the while hearing that his nation has lost another 651,000 jobs last month--or rather, 1.8 million jobs the last three months. Sorry, if the man didn't have time to cuddle.

"But he didn't display the proper amount of flags."

Nucka what?! Well then, here ya go:

Now, look, as an American, he should always thumb our nose at you Brits. After all, we kicked your asses in two wars and saved your asses in two others.Yeah, yeah, yall were part of that bullshit "Coalition of the Willing," but what the hell were you doing there? Sunbathing? I mean, you were the ones who were supposed to be watching the Shi'a south. Why were we the ones who had to go into Fallujah? Yall were sipping on tea and crumpets while our boys and girls were spilling blood!

As an African-American, he should be thanking you for kickin' off that whole slavery thang on this lovely continent. As a Kenyan-American, you're lucky he didn't go all Mau Mau on yall's British asses. Man, if only he were Gikuyu.

Now, don't get me wrong, I've always been against Bush Babee's war. And I have a brother who served a year in that hell hole. I'm just saying, if you're gonna be a bear, be a grizzly. Your "willingness" didn't seem to go but so far.

And how far was Obama supposed to go this week? Did you want him to whisper sweet-nothings in your PM's ear? Did you want them to spoon?! He gave the man 25 DVDs. What, was Gordon holding out for the flat screen?

What you got against Raging Bull, anyway? I mean it ain't no Benny Hill, but damn!

OK, I admit, the DVDs were a li'l bit triflin'. But why yall gotta act all O-ffended, and shit? I mean, all Obama got in return was a damned pen holder! What?! Like The Big Brother ain't got people for that? Like at 3 AM, he's getting that call from the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, screaming, "What the fuck did you do with that pen, Mr. President?!!!" And No Drama be like: "Why, General, it's on the Resolute Desk in that lovely pen holder carved from the timbers of the HMS Gannet, which was a sister ship of the HMS Resolute, given to me by the inestimable Prime Minister Gordon Brown." "Whew, thank God, Mr. President. Oh, before I forget, we found bin Laden." Limey, please.

"But he also gave your President a 50,000-volume biography on Winston Churchill."

What? No, let me repeat: What?! Yall are actin' all pissy 'cause Obama gave Brown Casablanca, while your boy gave this son of a Kenyan, a victim of colonialism, a biography lauding that lard ass of a grand imperialist?! The man who doggedly persisted in maintaining the "Empire" while Africans and Asians died?! I know Obama ain't Gikuyu, but do you know if he had any cousins die in that war? Did you punks even ask? Now, I find that offensive.

You know what else I find offensive?

Yeah, the motherfuckin' Beatles! And your food! I mean, in all those lands yall used to command, back when "the sun never set," not in one of those places, didn't one of those natives give yall some salt? I mean, seriously, you've got the blandest food on the planet! Even your Indian food sucks. What do you do? Strip folks of their taste buds when they emigrate?

I'm just playin', yall. You know I love ya. London's one of my favorite cities on the planet. Gilles Peterson, one of my favorite DJs (we're even friends on Myspace). Some of my best friends are British!

Look, Obama called your boy to show that there ain't nothin' but love. Well, here's my little peace offering.

Yeah, I know. A little too obvious. But hey, we Anglish speakers gots ta stick togever, yay?


Seriously, though, you gotta do somethin' 'bout that food, yall. Ya ever think about using some garlic?

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