The latest battleground in America's never-ending War of the Womb is now being fought over the public option provision in Congress's supposed health-care reform bill. As the Democrats' epic struggle to this legislation passed has now overtaken the Soviet Union's 1986 Five-Year Plan for 6th place in All-Time Examples of Political Ineptitude List, Democratic Congressman Bart Stupak has added an amendment to the bill that "would prevent federal subsidies from going to any insurance plans that cover abortion." According to The Hill, the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops are head-over-heels over the amendment and the Republicans are even supporting it. Some had thought the GOP would torpedo the amendment to make the final bill unacceptable to pro-life Democrats in the hopes that they would torpedo it. Last month, Stupak threatened to kill the bill himself if he didn't get to add his stand-alone amendment.
Douglas Johnson, the legislative director of the National Right to Life Committee, has seriously amped up the rhetoric, telling Lifenews.com:
"This will be one of the most important roll call votes that U.S. House members ever casts on a pro-life issue. Any lawmaker who votes against the Stupak-Pitts Amendment is, in effect, voting in favor of establishing a federal government program that will directly fund abortion on demand, with federal funds."
And how are Planned Parenthood and NARAL fighting back against this last-minute chicanery? Well, they're not, really.
Instead, Planned Parenthood has gone all passive-aggressive and are currently holding a campaign for donations in Bart Stupak's name. So, you can donate here in the Bartster's name and ask PP to send a thank-you card to the man.
Yeah. That'll show 'em. I guess if Stupak and Crew decided to outlaw abortion throughout the country, NARAL would send them a bouquet of roses and a box of chocolates!
Now, Stupak actually is a pro-life Democrat, so his motives aren't as duplicitous and/or morally bankrupt and driven by personal and campaign contributions like his fellow anti-public option Dems, Mike Ross and Max Baucus. But it is interesting to see that AFLAC, Blue Cross Blue Shield, and Humana are among his top campaign contributors and that health professionals gave this Blue Dog $103,688 during the last campaign cycle.
No never mind. It doesn't really matter whether Stupak's amendment is due to a principled attempt to provide federally-funded abortions or a capitalized attempt to kill health care legislation for his powerful donors. What does matter is that, once again, the Dems have proven that, even when given overwhelming majorities with which to govern, we can count on them to accept defeat at the drop of a hat, to sabotage their own efforts, and to never govern using Democratic principles.
I've just finished watching the thirtieth World Series in which you have not appeared. And I just thought yinz--as an organization--as the Pittsburgh Pirates of Willie Stargell, Big and Lil' Poison, Roberto Clemente, and Honus Wagner fame--deserved a big, fat round of applause!!!
I mean, thirty friggin' years of futility! You have got to deliberately go out of your way to pull that off. I mean, you couldn't have accidentally slipped and fell into the World Series.
Think about it! Thirty years! The last time the Pittsburgh Pirates--the Pittsburgh Pirates of Willie Stargell, Big and Lil' Poison, Roberto Clemente, and Honus Wagner fame--went to and won the World Series, a group of doe-eyed, scruffy-faced college students rushed into the American embassy and took a whole bunch of Americans hostages--bringing a superpower to its knees and causing an American president to lose an election. Did you know one of those students is now the president of his country?
Yeah ... this guy.
Seriously, take a look at him. Sure, he's still scruffy-faced (and, well, a bit cross-eyed), but he sure as hell ain't no student no more. Those youthful days are far behind this guy.
And these guys, too.
Those are the 1979 Pirates today!!!
And as old and fat as these guys are, I still bet they'd beat the 2009 Pirates in a best-of-seven series!!!
Did you know the Soviets ...
No, no, no ... not the Soviettes. The Soviets invaded Afghanistan in 1979--forever showing empires that they should never invade that place. Thank God we all learned that lesson.
Well, I just learned that Flo was the #6 show of 1979!
Do you think that's where Flo Rida got his name?
Well, you think on that awhile. Meanwhile, why don't you listen to the #53 song of 1979--the song that the 1979 Pirates took as their theme song?
Do you know who else had hit songs in 1979?
Cheap Trick, Peaches and Herb, Village People, Electric friggin' Light Orchestra, Leif Garrett!!!, Gino Vannelli, and Randy VanWarmer!!!
When was the last time you heard anything from these people?
Oh yeah ... I guess the last time I heard anything from you ....
1979!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And who the fuck was Randy VanWarmer?!!!
Oh ... wow ... geez ...
Well then ... what the fuck were yinz takin' back in '79?!!!
Oh yeah ... World Series rings.
But not since. Nope. Not you, Buccos!
Oh sure, you flirted with the idea back in '90, '91, and '92--before this douchebag decided to sue his wife for alimony and take steroids!!!
Seriously, Barry, couldn't you have taken the syringe, bulked up, unclenched your sphincter and de-choke-ified your larynx and given us at least one World Series before you left Pittsburgh?
But no. You choked and left, forever dashing our hopes. After 1979, we had to suffer the abysmal Johnny Ray '80s. We had a little hope with Bonds, Bonilla, and Van Sylke in the late '80s/early '90s. But since 1992, we Pirates fans have not only not seen the World Series nor even the playoffs, we haven't even seen a fucking winning season, you FUCOPs!!!
That's 17 years!!!
1992!!!
Bill Clinton had just been George H.W. Bush for the White House! Ross Perot and "fuzzy math" were all the rage! People actually thought Dana Carvey was funny!!!
Black folks wore X hats! White folks kept talking about The Crying Game! Boyz II Men had the #1 song of the year with "End of the Road" (cough, gag, vomit all over the keyboard, wipe off, finish up rant)!!!!
Hell, this time seventeen years ago, in 1992, Barry Bonds was about to leave the Pirates forever and Dr. Dre was about to drop The Chronic.
Pittsburgh baseball and hip-hop have never been the same since.
I know you've done all you could to win Virginia's governorship. You pulled off the surprise primary victory against Brian Moran and that corksucker Terry McAuliffe. You've rubbed elbows with the ultimate Virginia King Maker, Poohbutt. You've tried to ride Obama's coat tails while he was popular--tried cutting them off when his poll numbers dropped--and then begged to mend those britches since your own poll numbers remained down. You've apparently even hucked it up twice with yours truly (or so I've been told--I really and truly don't remember--talk about self-importance!). The biggest gift would seem to be the fact that your Republican opponent, Bob McDonnell, is a Pat Robertson rightwing nutjob who once hated (hates?) working women, homosexuals, and "fornicators" and wants to convert the Taliban to Christ--not to mend the errors of their ways but to improve their efficiency (OK, I made that one up).
Unfortunately for Deeds, Democrats, and all us political junkies, Virginia always votes against the White House. If there's a Republican in the White House, there'll be a Democrat in Richmond and vice versa. It's been that way since WWII, or some craziness like that. There ain't nothin' you can do about it, Creigh.
The same goes for Gov. Corzine over in Jersey. Apparently, Virginians and New Jersey--ites?, oddly enough, have been voting in tandem since 1989 and have voted against the White House each time.
You're just a victim of history, Creigh. There was nothing you could do. Unfortunately for the rest of us, we're going to be victims of the punditocracy. They're going to conveniently forget the history behind these off-year elections and fill our mediated existences with "What does this mean for Obama?"
It don't mean shit. It's just history playing itself out. Of course, it won't stop the soap opera, duh-duh-DAHH!!! weepy-eyed, slavering-jawed reporting talking about the "referendum on Obama," how "Obama is really struggling with his message," and "Obama's agenda is really in trouble." At least the melodrama will be a nice prelude for when the Dems lose a bunch of House and Senate seats next year in the mid-terms--as the party in power always does in the midterms (the noted exception being the Bush Babee in '03).
Ya know, in a way, I feel sorrier for the rest of us than I do Creigh Deeds. I mean, yeah, it's gonna be a blow to the ego to lose a governor's race--especially to a guy who beat you by, like, one vote for the Lieutenant Governor seat a few years back. But at least Deeds is a victim of history. Whether the pundits remember that or not, they'll either blame historical trends or an "anti-Obama wave." They'll never blame Deeds himself. He'll ultimately be able to deflect blame for his failure. But the rest of us are gonna have to listen to the bullshit for years to come--until The Big Brother is re-elected in '12.
WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS INAPPROPRIATE AND OFFENSIVE WORDING THAT EVEN THE AUTHOR IS OFTEN LOATHE TO USE--BUT HE WAS SO "FLUSTRATED" HE COULDN'T SEE ANY OTHER ALTERNATIVE.
Most of you don't know this, but I work for a company that produces audio books for the blind for good ole Uncle Sam. It's a government program (which the Republicans were trying to cut a couple years back) that allows anyone in the country who is legally blind and/or physically unable to turn pages to receive a machine and check out audio books from any local library around the country. These are different from the audio books you get when you're on your lonely car trips. These are verbatim and unabridged and can range from your typical best seller to any genre book to nonfiction, histories, and medical texts concerning blindness, diabetes, etc.
I don't narrate these books myself. I review them--making sure there are no technical errors and that the narrator is coherent and correct and consistent. We reviewers sometimes move heaven and earth to make sure something has the correct pronunciation. We also make sure that the narrator is consistent with their pronunciation. There may be five different ways to pronounce a single word, but the narrator must choose one and stick with it the entire book. It's not just about "pride in one's work." If the narrator is not coherent, correct, and consistent, the Guvmint might reject the book; and we'd have to go back and correct the errors. Sometimes, we even have to re-record the entire book. As an example of what a stickler Uncle can be, I once had a book rejected because the narrator pronounced the LA road, La Cienega, the Spanish way instead of the LA way. I knew the difference. I stay with my aunt on La Cienega when I go out to LA. But I thought that since the narrator was technically correct, I'd let it pass. The kicker was "La Cienega" only appeared once in the entire 450-page book (I know, I had to go back and scan the entire thing myself).
However, Uncle can be capricious. He can zap you for one word, or he can let HUGE mistakes run through an entire book and never catch it.
This inconsistency makes us reviewers even more the sticklers because you just never know. This doesn't hold true for a lot of the narrators, though. The better ones are sticklers, too. And, believe it or not, there have been heated arguments over the pronunciation of words that you wouldn't believe. One time, I thought I was going to get socked in the face over the word "Devereux."
But that only applies to the better narrators. I once heard about a study of workplace competence. It appears that the most competent people in any workplace are the ones who fret over their competence the most. The utter fuck-ups think they're the cock on the walk and can't be told shit. You can definitely see that rule in effect here when it comes to the narrators. It's the absolute idiots you can't correct, who will refuse to make corrections no matter how grievous, and who get morally outraged when you tell them they're wrong.
Such a person is exactly what I've been dealing with all week.
I am currently reviewing a book about a recent Supreme Court decision (I don't want to be too specific here--I don't want to get the book rejected). The lead attorney in the case has a foreign name which the narrator has repeatedly butchered throughout the book's entire 317 pages. And he is such a maestro with the cleaver, that he decided to butcher the name TWO DIFFERENT WAYS!!!
The FIRST pronunciation was so bad, I went searching for the guy's name and found it instantly on YouTube. Apparently, this attorney is also a legal scholar and is becoming less and less obscure every day. He has been on more than news show as a talking head.
This is a huge red flag for us. If Uncle can find the name really quickly, we know we have to change it.
I informed M. Talènt, and, of course, he got pissed. His first claim was that he called where this guy teaches and talked to him. When I said the guy's all over YouTube, M. Talènt then claimed that he got the pronunciation for the guy's voice mail. After I emailed The Guy and got his name's pronunciation directly from him, M. Talènt finally admitted that it was The Guy's assistant on the voice mail.
But none of that friggin' mattered. M. Talènt refuses to change the name. He is right (though horrifically wrong), and there's nothing I can do about it. Rejection be damned! And I can basically shove my need to do this correctly up my shit-eye!
Indignantly, I asked him which incorrect pronunciation he wanted to use for the book, since he pronounced it incorrectly several different ways. Missing my indignation (his was too loud to hear mine), he actually did choose.
So, for the past few days, I've been marking down each time he says The Guy's name. Mind you, The Guy was the lead attorney in this book about a legal case. In most of the book, his name appears 5-10 times per page. Each side recorded is about 88 minutes long. It usually takes me 1 1/2-2 hours to review each side. This is taking me about 3 1/2 hours each side. There are times when I have to stop three times per recorded minute to mark down M. Talènt's mispronunciation only to have him "correct" it to his preferred mispronunciation!
I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome marking down page after page after page of "corrections" this whole time, fuming in the fact that this book will probably get rejected and dreading the fact that Uncle may very well not reject this book, further encouraging M. Talènt to continue his asshole-ish ways!!!
Finally having enough, I cursed to myself, "This festering unwashed cunt of putrefaction must die!!!"
Then I started ranting about all the other FUCOPs who've been pissing me off lately. The banks for taking my tax money and for refusing that fixer-upper wanted to take off their hands--just letting that could-be beautiful house rot! Dick Cheney for his constantly popping up like a herpes-laden jackass-in-a-box, criticizing Obama as though his the Bush administration didn't drop us headfirst into this clusterfuck our country's in. And Joe Lieberman for threatening to filibuster public-option legislation.
I'd like to get M. Talènt and all these other FUCOPs in a room and see just how good their health care is.
It's hard for us Pittsburghers to keep up our end of the bargain--what without our having neither a professional basketball nor baseball team. What? ... What was that? ... Who? ... Seriously ... since when? ... No shit. The Pirates! ... I thought they were a farm club.
Anyway ... apparently we Pittsburghers do have a baseball club. Aside from that, though, we've been doing a pretty good job of late, giving our beloved Keystone State the Super Bowl and Stanley Cup this year. Now, you have us the World Series last year, but you have got to repeat!
The fate of the free world depends on it! The Yankees are evil and represent all that is wrong with the world. You gotta win!
All right, in 2009 I suffered from an affliction that can only be described as "musical bulimia," having gone months starving myself of new music only to binge to the point of near death--or at least, financial collapse. Ever since we've been to Canada, I've been on a music-buying binge that (if Missus Unknown found out) would surely be the death of me. So, here's what I've been listening to these past four weeks in no particular order. I hope you enjoy it while you can. I won't be indulging this lunacy again anytime soon.
The Temptations -- Puzzle People
All right, I have a confession to make, and I hope you don't judge me too harshly for having actually said this but ... but ... well, to be honest, I'm not much of a Motown fan. Yes. All the music was great. Yes. Barry Gordy was a genius. Yes. All those groups and their music will live for all time.
I just wasn't that into it. Motown was always my folks music--"old folks music." I give the Motown Sound its propers, even today. I don't know. I guess I just like Stax better.
As part of that whole thing, I was never really into the Temptations either. They always signaled the end of the basement party and it was time for me to wake up and get my pajamaed behind in the car. All the old folks were going home. And talk about corny ... I once saw the Temptations perform at Sea World!
However, nobody ever told me about the Temptations and their "psychedelic funk" experiments they conducted in the late '60s/early '70s with Cloud Nine, Puzzle People, and Psychedelic Shack (are there others?). Now I have some newfound respect for the geezers.
The funk on Puzzle People is rough and rugged like the first few Sly and the Family Stone albums and a lot of fun. Sure, they never should've covered the Beatles' "Hey, Jude," but their cover of the Isleys' "It's Your Thing" is pretty nice. There's the classic, "I Can't Get Next to You," my second-favorite Temps' song (the first being "I Wish It Would Rain"), "Message from a Black Man," and a real ass-shaker in "Don't Let the Joneses Get You Down."
Lawd hab mercy!!!
The Heavy -- The House That Dirt Built
Whee dogey!!! I got this bad boy in the mail yesterday and have been pretty much listening to it solely ever since. I went absolutely ape-shit over their hard-driving, funky-ass debut, Great Vengeance & Furious Fire. This is more of the same--though less funky with a harder rock edge--and they're a little more imitative than you'd expect from their debut. But this is definitely no sophomore jinx. You must needs check out this CD.
Passion Pit -- Manners
Man, I wish I would've liked pop/rock sooner. Then, while I'd been a music critic, I could have all the references and snarky, hip lingo down to describe bands like these. Aside from telling you that I absolutely love this CD, I'm really and truly at a loss for words. The best I can do is cut and paste what I wrote Sammy about them on Facebook:
I don't know exactly how to describe them. Maybe something like--2Gs electro-rockers with a taste for late '80s dance music and a dash of the Beach Boys. Something along those lines. Maybe.
Q-Tip -- The Renaissance
I was gettin' all into this album, diggin' all the smooth grooves and crisp beats, refreshed that I can pretty much play this one around Pooh without worrying about her calling her classmates "nigga" all day, when Triple T, whose damn near half my age, burst my bubble. She was ranting what bullshit! this album was. I wasn't like, "Aw, kid, you don't know nothin' 'bout no good music," because I know it's not true. Then it suddenly hit me, "Oh my God, is this the opening salvo for 'Old Folks' Rap'? Are there soon gonna be 'Smooth Rap Flavas' radio stations? I can hear it now ... Now homeyz and homettez let's relax our minds and let our bodies be free and get down to the sounds of Digables, De La, and the Fugees."
Shit!
Various Artists -- Bridge into the New Age
This compilation should be renamed Afro-Hippy's Delight. This is a collection of Prestige releases from the early '70s with artists who were influenced by Miles, Trane, and the Black Power movement. McCoy Tyner, Alice Coltrane, Gary Bartz, Norman Connors, Joe Henderson, Jack DeJohnette, and Idris Muhammad. If there's one disc in this whole list I strongly urge you to get, it is most definitely this one.
Dave Pike -- The Doors of Perception
Vibraphonist Dave Pike is a fan favorite among dancefloor jazz crate diggers the world over. Only the first song is as far-out psychedelic as the album's title and cover would have you believe. Mostly it's the groovy vibes one would expect from a genre posthumously labeled "dancefloor jazz."
Various Artists -- Cold Heat
If you like your funk as hard and fast and as nasty as a Pamela Anderson sex bout, then this disc is for you. As the subtitle says, "Heavy Funk Rarities -- 1968-1974." Most of you would probably have never heard of any of these people. But for one brief, shining, recorded moment, they were some of the funkiest cats to ever be put on wax. You fans of the Budos Band, Sugarman 3, Poets of Rhythm, and/or Sharon Jones really need to check this one out.
Quincy Jones and His Orchestra -- The Quintessence
Well, as many of you know, Impulse Records is the "house that Trane built," featuring a lot of the experimental jazz that exploded onto the scene in the late '60s/early '70s. So, when I saw that Quincy Jones actually recorded an Impulse release, I was intrigued. I wasn't expecting (nor would I have wanted) some heroin-induced free jazz. But I know Q did a semi-funky release for CTI back in the day. I was wondered what he concocted for Impulse. Nothing far out at all. It's Quincy Jones, after all. And being Quincy, it's good.
Chakachas -- Jungle Fever
If you scour the internet for Belgian funk (and why the hell would you?), the closest you'll come is the Chakachas. So, when my wife went to Belgium last year, I had her look for some of their stuff. They apparently looked at her like she was some kind of crazy American. As well they should've, the Chakachas were just a bunch of middle-aged, married Belgian guys who cut an album of funky Latin grooves and then vanished into obscurity. If it weren't for their uber-funky international hit, "Jungle Fever," this disc probably never would've been released. Aside from that masterpiece, though, the album's worth a listen. It's boogaloo fun!
Traffic -- John Barleycorn Must Die
Well, I always hated Steve Winwood--master of schlocky '80s "blue-eyed soul". But I also hated his twin, Robert Palmer. Then I heard Palmer's Sneakin' Sally through the Alley and had to give the man his due. When I was browsing through the CD shop, heard the first two rock-jazzy songs on this CD and found out it was Traffic, I thought I might have to do the same for Winwood. After all, I do love "I'm a Man." Alas, I was wrong. I'm not at all a fan of the last four tracks on this album. Needless to say, I was disappointed and felt more than a little betrayed.
K'Naan - Troubadour
Speaking of feeling betrayed, a dear friend who shall remain nameless who, oddly enough, is not Nameless, has been absolutely raving over this brother for millennia. I bought this disc on the power of her rantings alone. Boy, I don't know if I'll ever listen to the woman again. Actually, I don't know if we can actually remain friends. I mean ... Mrs. Unknown summed up our disappointment somewhere in the middle of Troubadour, when she asked, "Did this suddenly turn into a pop album?"
Gilles Peterson -- Digs America 2
This compilation is subtitled, "Searching at the End of an Era." There is something to that. Crate digging is becoming a harder and harder obsession to satisfy. And how many more of these crate-digging expedition compilations can there possibly be for the funk/jazz/soul junky? But all of us know that Gilles Peterson is the best at this game, and this disc does not disappoint. I mean, who else could find a song done by Chuck Mangione's brother? He's also got an obscure Al Jurreau on here. And you'll simply love Irene Kral's "Going to California".
Plasticines -- LP1
One of my side CD-buying projects is to actually purchase hard copies of discs that I may or may not have come across in their digital form. This may or may not have been bought with that in mind. Besides, I love these French femmes (and Go Betty Go's) jaunty, pop "post-punk" sound. They're a lot of fun to listen to, and every once in awhile I understand a word or two of what they're singing--when they're singing in English, that is.
Wayne Shorter -- Super Nova
I'll confess: it's been a real long time since I've listened to music I've really had to think about. This one's going to take awhile for me to digest. I just couldn't resist the line-up here with John McLaughlin, Jack DeJohnette, Airto Moreira, and Chick Corea on drums and vibes?!
The Mar-Keys -- The Great Memphis Sound
I love me some funk! I love me some Stax! So this CD from the Stax session band is like having your hog maws and chitterlings, too! And no, I will not compare them to Booker T. and the MGs' sweet cornbread soul. They're all delicious.
David Axelrod -- The Axelrod Chronicles
David Axelrod has been the source of many a great sample (just ask Madlib, Mos Def, the Beatnuts, Rob Swift, Sadat X, Kool G, De La--you get the idea) and not a single one of them was found on this CD. This collection is a bit too post-Mr. Magic fusion-y for my tastes, but there are a few really funky tracks. I'll give it a few more listens. I am trying to branch out these days.
R.E.M. -- Murmur
When I came across this CD, I thought, "Oh hey, I used to like R.E.M. in high school. Maybe I should get this." As soon as I popped this bad boy into the CD player, I realized, "Oh yeah, I didn't like Mumur. I liked Reckoning, Fables of the Reconstruction, Life's Rich Pageant, and Document." Oh well, what can you do?
Dmitri from Paris -- Sacrebleu
My boy Jet has been screaming about Dmitri from Paris for the past year or so now. I've always been meaning to check him--or at least his Playboy Mansion series out forever--but have just never gotten around to it. I stumbled across Sacrebleu and figured I'd give it a try. This CD is most definitely Bossarific. It's interesting, since lounge's ubiquity has come and gone, to hear where it basically came from. Still breezy and chill and a great album to listen to. After all, how derivative can you sound when you were the first?
Santana -- Amigos
Just got it. So haven't heard it yet. But this is '70s Santana--before he went totally for the queso--it's gotta be good, right?
Outkast -- Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik
Every collection--no matter how obnoxious (and mine is obnoxious) has holes in it. I was just filling one with this purchase. I doubt if I'll be listening to this one too much. But it never hurts to have it.
Oh No -- Exodus into Unheard Rhythms
Oh no! I thought you was Madlib and "Oh No" was just another one of his pseudonyms. But no! you're his little brother. You ai'ight, though. I guess I'll have to give you a few more listens before I pass judgment--though I gotta tell ya, I am a little disappointed.
The Reggae Philharmonic Orchestra -- The Reggae Philharmonic Orchestra
Yeah, remember those two mysterious, Milli Vanilli-dread-lookin' violin-playin' androgyns on Soul II Soul's "Keep on Movin'"? That was the Reggae Philharmonic Orchestra. I remembered liking this back when it came out in '88, saw it in the store, and said, What the hey? Well, the "Hey" in this matter is that The Reggae Philharmonic Orchestra is now like the Meg Ryan of my music collection: Cute in the '80s but most definitely has not aged well.
Fever Ray -- Fever Ray
Another attempt to branch out. They said something like "Karin Dreijer Andersson, Fever Ray, a singer for The Knife ..." And I said, "All right! I have no fucking clue what you're talking about! Give me two!" The CD just came in the mail on Saturday. So, I haven't had much of a chance to listen to it yet. So far, though, she gives me sort of a Björky/Kate Bushy/Laurie Andersonish feel--which probably means I'll fall in love with it and my wife will curse the day I ever heard of Fever Ray.
Since we're about to move and subsequently switch daycares, Mommy and Daddy have decided to delay toilet training our little Pooh. However, our daughter did get a potty for her birthday. So, for the past nine days, Pooh has come home, shouted, "Peepee in the potty," ripped off her pants and diaper, and proceeded to sit on the potty for hours at a time--or so it felt. She's been conducting almost all her evening business on that damned potty--eating, drinking, watching Krtek--everything except the business that the potty was designed for--leaving it as dry as the day we bought it.
That has all changed tonight!
Mommy and Pooh called Daddy at work to tell him the good news.
How proud can one Papa be?
Before you know it, we'll be having to give her a new nickname!
Read more...
Last night at work, while still basking in the afterglow of the Steelers' glorious victory over the Vikings, I ran across this article, Vikings Gave This One Away, in the Minneapolis Star Tribune. The writer, Sid Hartman, claims that the Purple Poopy Eaters (Poohbutt's term--not mine) could've won the game if it hadn't been for their numerous errors. Well, duh.
The Vikes did commit a lot of penalties and did lose two turnovers at the end of the game that the defense converted into touchdowns. But they did not "give" the game away. It's a nice premise--one all us fans rely on--but it simply did not happen. In fact, I would argue that it never does. In that same game, the Steelers also made errors that could've cost them the game. Kicker Jeff Reed decided to poussé push returner Percy Harvin, allowing the much bigger, stronger man to scamper 88 yards to the end zone, and Rashard Mendenhall fumbled on the Vikings three yard-line when the Steelers were marching to put the game away.
The point being, good teams not only make errors during games, but they also cause their opponents to make errors themselves. Brett Favre fumbled the ball because he was stripped of the ball. He threw the game-winning interception because the pass rush made him rush his own pass, Chester Taylor wasn't ready, the ball bounced out of his hands into Keyaron Fox's, who rumbled into the end zone.
These "errors" were forced errors created by a good team. They weren't given, they were taken. Much like hard work can create good luck, "errors" are created by good teams. That's what makes them good. That's what makes them winners. The Vikings didn't give the game away. It was taken from them.
Hartman's "analysis" was annoying enough, but what really got my goat was the comments section, where the Vikings loyalists proceeded to whip the biggest scapegoat in all of sports: the refs.
Now look, every time one's team loses, the first blame almost always goes to the referees. We fans generally just can't believe our team lost--can't fathom that they might just actually suck and got what they deserve. So, we are always pointing to the refs as the key difference. We fans are like any other delusional psychotic--we would all succeed if the world just weren't against us. That world being the men (and one day women) in the zebra outfits.
It is true that the Vikings' being called for defensive delay of game was about as confounding as interpretive dance, and the tripping call that negated that Vikings' TD was specious at best. But these Vikings fans chose to forget that the Steelers also had a TD called back on an offensive pass interference call on Heath Miller who was chucked into another defensive player on the other side of the field from where the TD pass was thrown!
Those negated touchdowns were both bad calls. In fact, they actually negated each other--which rarely happens in sports. It wasn't the refs' fault that the former led to a Vikings' turnover and Steelers TD and the latter resulted in a Steelers' field goal.
Bad calls are a part of the game. So are good calls. As well as no-calls. It is hard to believe that, with 22 testosterone- and adrenaline-charged pituitary cases charging and crashing into each other, there isn't a penalty occurring on every, single play. Whether they're called or not shouldn't matter. A team's charge is to win the game--no matter what the referees are doing.
Look, we NFL fans are lucky that our refereeing isn't as horrid as the NBA's--where a foul is only called if a player doesn't have enough outside endorsements. Allen Iverson's dribbling motion is the exact motion for the carrying call. Yet, he has probably never been called for palming the ball, which he does every damned time he touches the ball. Last year, I watched LeBron James pick up the ball and take three, friggin' steps to slam the ball home (for those who don't know, you're only allowed one and a half). Centers used to be called for fouls for having their faces impede the progress of Shaq's elbow every time he went up to dunk.
Last year, I briefly tried watching the Lakers/Nuggets playoffs. Then I saw three defenders get out of Kobe's way and let him drive the lane in order to avoid the inevitable foul (I guess he inherited the benefits of the "thinking-about-fouling-Jordan" foul). The last time I checked, unless the guy hits a home run, your job as a defender is to stop a rapist bastard from scoring! When the announcers started screaming orgasmic about what a phenomenal athlete Kobe was, I turned the TV off in disgust. Shit, even I can score if the other team lets me.
We football fans don't have to put up with such bullshit. And neither do NFL players. Sure, they get bad calls against them, but they also get good ones that benefit them. And they probably don't get called for half the crap they pull on the field.
I'm not a referee apologist, but it's not as though these guys have an easy job chasing all these genetic freaks around on the field. Then they've got the fans, announcers, sports "pundits" (how the hell do you get that job?), and instant replay second-guessing their every move. Of course, they're gonna make mistakes. They're human. But stop acting like making a phantom call is the same as invading a country for their phantom WMD!
Teams know what they're getting into whenever they enter any game. They know that referees can blow calls. They're job is to win no matter. It doesn't matter to them. It shouldn't matter to us. We fans--all of us--need to get over our "Magic Bullet" referee conspiracy theories and just realize our teams generally lose because they faced a better team.
Of course, I'm probably just saying this because my team won yesterday. And back in February, my team won the Super Bowl. Oh yeah, and in my lifetime, they have won six of them bad boys.
Toiling in utter obscurity his entire life, Bill Campbell is the author of two novels, Sunshine Patriots and My Booty Novel. He has also been a music critic and published his own zine, Contraband and a music trade publication, CD Revolutions. Currently, he lives in the DC area (missing his beloved Cleveland Park) with his wife and daughter.
32-year-old writer, Damian Cross, returns home from his first book tour only to be dumped by his fiancee, who he's been with for 7 years. Now, Damian has to start over while writing his second novel while all his friends are trying to convince him to write a "booty novel" to make money. Written in blog form, My Booty Novel is a funny, heartwarming tale of dating, starting over, and learning to let go of old pains in order to find new joys.
Sunshine Patriots
United Earth, intergalactic war hero, Aaron "The Berber" Barber finds himself in a place he's never been before--fighting his fellow human beings. With chaos, rebellion, and bloodshed all around him, Barber suddenly questions his role as a war hero and spokesman for Smell-A-Vision. Sunshine Patriots is a satirical science fiction novel that asks the important question: What does it mean to truly be a hero?
The latest battleground in America's never-ending War of the Womb is now being fought over the public option provision in Congress's supposed health-care reform bill. As the Democrats' epic struggle to this legislation passed has now overtaken the Soviet Union's 1986 Five-Year Plan for 6th place in All-Time Examples of Political Ineptitude List, Democratic Congressman Bart Stupak has added an amendment to the bill that "would prevent federal subsidies from going to any insurance plans that cover abortion." According to The Hill, the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops are head-over-heels over the amendment and the Republicans are even supporting it. 
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