N.O. Saints: Modern-Day Seabsicuits

We all know the story of the legendary horse that could, Seabiscuit (or we've at least seen the movie). Where, against all odds, Tobey Maguire takes the undersized horse and beats all comers. Seabiscuit went on capturing Depression-era America's heart as everyone identified with not being given a shot in hell and winning despite all odds.

Could that happen today with the New Orleans Saints?

If you ask me, yes.

After years of governmental deregulation, refusal of regulation, and catastrophic mismanagement, America once again finds itself down-and-out, wondering if another Great Depression is yipping at our heels. And what city, what team best personifies all the things that went wrong with this country in the past decades? New Orleans and their Saints. We don't have to rehash Katrina and its devastation and the Bush administration's "response." We all know that New Orleans is still in the shitter, and we are right there with them. This is the team that America needs right now. Not because it'll get the Dems off their asses or give the Republicans sanity. It's just it would be nice to witness a feel-good moment after the past few years we've had.

But Bill, why are you so down on the Colts?

Actually, I'm down on Peyton Manning. For the past decade I've been hearing nothing but how great Peyton Manning is. Anytime I'm unfortunate to turn on a football game, I hear the announcers constantly rhapsodize about how Manning is, perhaps, the greatest man to ever play quarterback. And then I'm switched to commercial, where he's in all of them!

All this despite the fact that Manning only has one Super Bowl ring!

In the "Manning Era," I've seen Tom Brady take his Patriots to four Super Bowls, winning three of them. In his first year as a starter, he won a Super Bowl with a fairly mediocre team. He came 35 seconds away from winning his fourth Super Bowl with a perfect record. And face it, if Reche Caldwell could've actually caught a ball, Brady would've probably been to five Super Bowls, and today's would've been Manning's first.

I saw Ben Roethlisberger take a mediocre Steelers team to a 15-1 record in his rookie season and then win a Super Bowl in his second season. Big Ben pulled off one of the greatest Super Bowl comeback drives to win his second ring.

But no, Manning's the greatest. Yeah, he's got records. But he's only got one ring. And it's not as though he's like his father, a great quarterback on a crappy team. No, he's had the likes of Marshall Faulk and Edgerrin James and Marvin Harrison. He's had a Freeney- and Mathis-led defense. There are going to be more than a couple of Hall of Famers on Manning's Colts teams.

And yet, this "greatest quarterback ever" has almost always figured out a way to lose. His team has had a few seasons starting off 10-0 or better. They'd have home field advantage through the playoffs. Yet, the Steelers or Colts or whomever always ended up befuddling this amazing quarterback and send them packing.

If Peyton Manning is the greatest quarterback to ever play the position, he's also the greatest underachiever.

Is that why you're rooting against the Colts today?

Pretty much.

Do you really think the Saints have a shot?

Actually, I do. Both teams are offensive juggernauts, and neither team has a great defense (which usually dictates these things). So, there really could be a bunch of scoring in this game--though there probably won't be.

With pass-rushing stud Dwight Freeney hobbled with a ligament sprain in his leg, he's just not going to be too much of a factor. It's the same thing Hines Ward had in last year's Super Bowl, and he was basically a no-show. I'm thinking Freeney will probably suffer the same fate. I definitely can't imagine his playing any meaningful minutes after halftime.

That's going to give Drew Brees a whole lotta time. If they can keep it close as they go through their first-half jitters, they could definitely pull it off.

But Peyton Manning's the greatest quarterback of all-time. He'll simply outscore the Saints.

Possibly. But, while the Saints don't have a great D, they do have a great defensive coordinator. Greg Williams knows how to coach--in the coordinator position, he sucked as a head coach. I'm sure he's looked at the old tapes, has studied how the Chargers, Steelers, and, more recently, the Jets have befuddled Manning. You may not be able to sack P-Man too often, but he can get confused--despite his reputation. I've seen it. If at any point in the game, Manning starts getting his "happy feet," you'll know the Saints have him. I actually expect to have him.

So, really, all that stuff about New Orleans' being a feel-good story is all bunkem. You just want Manning to lose.

No, no, no. While I hate Brady and New England, I am a patriot. We do need a feel-good story. New Orleans needs a feel-good story. I know what it's like living in a depressed city and pinning your hopes on your sports team. I know, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't mean anything. But it sure as hell feels good.

And New Orleans is down right now. America is down right now. I think the Indianapolis Colts should, for the good of their country, tank this game. I put America's need for a New Orleans victory right up there with job creation, health care, deficit reduction, and the Teabaggers taking the opportunity at their convention to go all Jonestown and drink the friggin' Kool-Aid.


Saints 35
Colts 31




Eh toi!!!

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Poohjitsu!!!

Sleep has never really been much of an issue between Poohbutt and me when Mommy's been away. We'd eat dinner, play for a few hours. I'd look at the clock, and ask, "Do you wanna go to bed, Pooh?" She'd nod. We'd change her clothes. I'd put her in her crib, and she was off to Slumberland.

I don't know why--maybe some child development specialist can explain--but that's all changed with Mommy's going to Haiti. Now the kid refused to sleep in her crib. Refuses! This kid just won't cry a river when she's being obstinate. Noah starts building arks when Pooh gets going. Seconds, minutes, hours can screech by during one of her Attica! Attica! crying attacks. Entire empires are born and crumble to dust.

Right now, I'm a little too harried to resist. So yes, things have indeed changed. As I write this, Pooh's sleeping on the futon next to me as I write and watch this Russell Simmons piece on Bio.

This refusal of the crib also means that my daughter is now sleeping in the big bed with Daddy. And I must confess ... Daddy is getting his ass kicked, people! For, much to my chagrin, I have discovered that my sweet, little two-year-old daughter is a deadly Shaolin master of the sleeping martial art commonly known as Poohjitsu.

It's a devious, lethal art mastering several stealth techniques meant to injure, maim, and even kill an unwary opponent.

First, the Poohjitsu disciple must master the Whirling Dervish. The little tyke knows that, at any time, the adult can roll over and crush them. They must keep the adult's subconscious mind conscious of this tragic fact. Therefore, they ceaselessly flail around in the bed. The skillful Whirling Dervish tactician can be found on her opponent's side of the bed, sleeping across the pillows by the opponent's head, and even squirming around at the foot of the bed. This wears down the adult, leaving them in a fitful state of paranoid semi-wakefulness, constantly wondering where the child might be. This forces the adult to the edge of the bed, facing in at the Poohjitsu warrior.

The Poohjitsu will then execute the Christ, spreading out in the Cruxifix pose to secure the adult at the edge of the bed, precariously balanced so as to neither fall off the edge of the bed or fall in and crush the toddler.

Once successful, the Poohjitsu goes to work.

Yours truly has received numerous Drooling Dropkicks to the Jock, the Snoring Smack in the Face, and countless Thumbsucker Socks in the Eye. I am proud, knowing that Pooh can defend herself against any sleeping foe, but I sure as hell am beaten.

It's going to be a long three weeks, people.

Help ... me ... Help ... me ...

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Great News in Black Music

I confess, even though I am a blogger, I can be completely unaware of stuff going on around me. I often argue there's just too much to know out there. One can't possibly be informed of everything. But I found out two things today that made me just absolutely ecstatic.

First, VH1 is prepared to air a documentary commemorating the 40th anniversary of Soul Train next month--of course. Black History Month tokenism aside, I can't wait to see it. I wonder if Pooh will be up for a Soul Train Line. One can only hope.










And then at work today, Mozart informed me that there's a Broadway musical dedicated to one of my favorite musicians of all-time, Fela! (He was the third act in my fantasy birthday concert last year.)

I'd never even heard about it, and it's been on Broadway since November. Jay-Z and Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith are the producers. And it was off-Broadway for a year before that. How have I not heard of this?!

Hell, even the New York Times loved the damned thing. Well, I need to stop being a Zombie and get my Shuffering and Shmiling black ass up to New York!

Though I'm sure it's some Expensive Shit.

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Duncan Hunter: "I Had Gay Marine Monkey Sex in Iraq!"

With the Republican Party's mounting a campaign against the Obama administration's proposed repeal of the military's Don't Ask Don't Tell policy, banning homosexuals from openly serving in the armed forces, the GOP has suffered a setback today from which many experts believe they may not recover. Less than 24 hours after Republican Congressman and Iraq War veteran Duncan D. Hunter has publicly come out against DADT, a man from his past, Iraqi national Abdullah Abdullah Jax, has come out with some startling revelations of his own about the ex-Marine artillery officer.

This morning Jax contacted the Tome offices, claiming he had a "sex tape" involving Hunter with many in his former Marine unit. We, of course, turned Jax away as a crank. However, upon receipt of an emailed video file, we were so disturbed, we realized that we had to contact Rep. Hunter immediately for clarification.

Rep. Hunter originally started off with the same attack he waged against DADT yesterday, claiming that "openly homosexual" and "transgender" soldiers threatened "unit cohesion" among our armed forces.

"People serve in close, close, very close quarters in the military," Hunter informed. "We can't disturb that hot, sweaty closeness with openly gay soldiers getting in the middle of all that."

"But there has always been homosexual activity in the military. Songs have been written about it."

"Personally, I prefer 'YMCA,'" Duncan countered icily.

"Some have even said that you have participated in such activity during your service in Iraq."

"Ridiculous!" Hunter yelled. "Look at my website! I'm all about God! Family! Country!"

"Abdullah Abdullah Jax," I interrupted.

Silence.

"We have the video, Congressman."

More silence.

"Is it true, Congressman," I asked, "that your nickname after Fallujah was 'Dick-In Hunter?"

Suddenly, the California Congressman started blubbering on the other line.

"I know that cross-dressing doesn't mean one is transgender, but a burqa, Congressman?"

"OK! It's true! It's true!" he screeched. "I had gay Marine monkey sex in Iraq!"

"So, that video is true?" I asked.

"Yes, yes. It's all true," Hunter continued, composing himself. "Fallujah was a long, hard battle, Campbell. Long ... and hard. We'd lost a lot of good men in that battle. Good, rock-hard, patriotic, Amercian men.

"My men were dispirited and dirty and fatigued. Those patriots. Those hard, chiseled men--with bodies like Adonises needed their spirits lifted. They needed their LT. Don't you understand?"

"Uh ... I guess not, Congressman."

"Well, they did. So, after the battle, when we were back in the Green Zone and my men were showering, I knew what I had to do.

"So, while they were showering with all that hot, hot water, I put on a burqa and entered that hot and steamy shower. It was soooo steamy. And hot. All those young, hot, hard bodies just glistened in all that hot, steamy water. The soap just clung to every bulging, rock-hard muscle! And I did it. I gave myself to my men.

"I'm a Christian, ya know. It's on my website. And the whole thing--it wasn't gay. It was all very Christ-like. I did what Jesus would've done. I gave those hungry, young boys my body to feed off of. I didn't give them my blood exactly. But I did give them my other precious bodily fluids. I think God was proud of me that day.

"As I said, it wasn't gay. No, not at all. And definitely not openly gay. It was more like a Christian service, really. I enjoyed none of it. Not really. I didn't even cum twice that time. Or any of the other times, to be honest."

"How many other times were there, Congressman?"

"Between 2003 and 2005? Oh, at least forty."

We immediately contacted House Minority leader Rep. John Boehner for comment on these recent revelations.

"Rep. Hunter is a fine, young, patriotic American, who has dedicated his life to the service of his country," Boehner responded. "If he felt the need to service the men in his unit, it was only for the good of this country. As long as he didn't do so openly, I am fine with it."

"There's a video, Congressman," I informed.

"Oooh, really?!" Boehner squealed. "Tell me about it!"

I proceeded to tell the Congressman, but our phone connection must've been bad. He constantly requested that I slow down in my descriptions, and he asked me to repeat several details over and over again. Oddly, towards the end of my tale, Rep. Boehner insisted that I speed up the narrative and again asked that I repeat several details--just more quickly.

"Yes!" he finally ejaculated. "Could you make two copies of this--this disgusting, disgusting video. Sen. Graham and I may just have to open a probe into Congressman Hunter."

"Into his activities?" I asked.

"Sure," Boehner breathlessly agreed. "What you said."






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Blogroll Amnesty Day is Here!!!

Yes, today is Blogroll Amnesty Day, where all us small blogs celebrate and link to each other and make our readerships aware of other blogs out there worthy of their precious, precious time.

However, for me, time has suddenly become a little too precious for me to fully participate. With Mrs. Unknown suddenly whisking off to Haiti to do relief work for the next three weeks and work and Pooh and I rolling duo and dealing with the two-year-old who knows that Mommy's "on a trip on a airplane" but not quite understanding why Mommy isn't around, I'm feeling a bit squeezed at the moment. (Seriously, how do single parents do it?!)

So, my intrepid Tome Readers, please, please, please check out my blogroll to your right and go adventuring. These blogs are definitely worth that time I just spoke of.

And for you bloggers out there who are kind/crazy enough to link to Tome, please drop me a line in the comments section, and I will be glad to reciprocate!

Enjoy and seize the day!
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Bon voyage à Port-au-Prince, ma coeur

We just got word yesterday. Mrs. Unknown is off to Haiti. Business. Not pleasure. Though it's hard having one's wife go off into such perilous conditions, I know she's in good hands (yeah, I'm talkin' to you, Kickball King!). And, though Pooh and I have done it before, it sure is awkward running this tricycle on only two wheels. However, we are proud as hell of Mommy. And we love her with all our hearts.

Good luck, babe!




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Campbell to Kyl: Stop Being A ...

In one of the first signs that Obama's reaching out to Republicans in last night's State of the Union Address has him coming back with a nub, Arizona Republican, Sen. Jon Kyl, this morning admonished Obama to "stop whining" on National Public Radio. Kyl went on to elaborate, "I would have thought by now he would have stopped blaming the Bush administration for the mess that he inherited, and I don't think the American people want a whiner who says,'woe is me.'"

In a rare fit of "partisan rancor," Tome of the Unknown Writer's own Bill Campbell has issued a state responding to Kyl:

"Yo, Kyl! Stop being a cocksucker!!!"

Campbell appeared to almost instantly back away from the statement:

"Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against those who like to practice such deeds. Some of my best friends enjoy being cocksuckers, and I support them in their activities. I have often said that fellatio is one of the greatest gifts a man can receive."

But then, Campbell went on to say:

"But Jon Kyl and his Republican cronies have got to be the biggest bunches of cocksuckers America has seen since the segregationist Dixiecrats. They're nothing but a bunch of Welfare Queens, getting paid six figures a year to sit on their asses, eat bonbons, and bitch about how the government ain't doing enough for 'em! It's government waste and fraud at its highest!!!

"They're just delusional! From Alito's catatonic headshaking, 'It's not twoo. It's not twoo,' when Obama told SCOTUS to their faces how they just gave corporations a blank check to buy American elections for time immemorial to John Boehner's talking about how health care reform is 'the greatest threat to American liberty I've seen in my 19 years in Washington.' Yo bitch, ever hear of the P.A.T.R.I.O.T. Act?!!!

"Thirty years of Reaganism and eight years of Bush has wreaked a nationwide Katrina on this country, and we still find ourselves wallowing in our own shit. And it oddly smells like elephant dung!

"Yet these assholes don't even have the decency to get out a broom and disinfectant and help clean up the mess. Instead, they keep massaging the pachyderm's asshole, hoping to coax more fecal matter onto this country!!!

"It's time for these Republicans to either shut the fuck up, get to work, or gets to gittin'! I'm tired of their bullshit!!!"

After which, a hyperventilating Campbell returned to work and his second cup of coffee for the day.

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R.I.P. Howard Zinn

All right. I just saw this. Historian Howard Zinn died today in Santa Monica of a heart attack.

Yeah, I know the man was 87, but I'm still stunned.

I've got nothing to say right now--except thank God Howard Zinn lived on this Earth. His A People's History of the United States was one of those rare histories (along with Vincent Harding's There Is a River that really changed my life. I got to spend an evening with Harding once (a dream come true). I only wish I could've done the same with Zinn.
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Obama Ain't Done Sheeeeeeeet ... But What Have We Done?

As The Big Brutha prepares to make his first State of the Union address tonight, there sure is a lotta folks wailing at walls and gnashing at teeth around this great land of ours. For the past couple months, the left wing of Air Blogosphere has exploded with vitriol over Obama's seeming lack of accomplishment (especially when it comes to their own particular agenda--whatever it be). And since Republican Scott Brown was elected to Ted Kennedy's Senate seat, it's gone nuclear with more fervor and rage than one can really explain.

While the Right wing has been complaining that Obama's been doing too much, those on the Left have been utterly apoplectic, spluttering, "Obama ain't done this. Obama ain't done that. Obama ain't done it with a wiffle ball bat." Because the Live Prez has somehow failed them in one arena or another in his first 12 months, they are starting to view him as an utter failure and are wondering how his Presidency can be "salvaged."

The odd thing about this madness is that all this sound and fury really is being told by idiots (yours truly included) and doesn't only signify nothing--but is pure delusion. Obama has already had five pieces of major legislation passed:

--Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act

--Matthew Sheppard and James Byrd Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act

--Repealed the stem cell research ban

--An expanded version of the State Children's Health Insurance Program

--The dreaded Stimulus Package

In fact, Obama's accomplished more than H.W., Carter, and Reagan did in their first year. Bush Babee got five, but two were 9/11-related. Clinton also got five pieces through. If you also throw in all the policy initiatives that he reportedly threw into the stimulus, as one reporter put it, he's had the most successful first year of any president since LBJ.

Oh yeah, and remember how we had eight years of deregulation regulators all throughout the government? Remember our poisoned spinach? Poisoned dog food? Poisoned dry wall, for godsakes?

Remember how SEC officials were handing Bernie Madoff their resumes? And how Interior Department officials, who sold mineral rights, were literally caught in bed with oil company employees?

Oh yeah, and what about motherfuckin' Hurricane Katrina?!!!

FEMA, FDA, SEC, ACC, the Big East, and the Big Ten! The past eight years have been an alphabet clusterfuck soup of governmental incompetence with the "You're doing a good job, Brownie" W. stamp of approval. A mess that, if scuttlebutt around town is to be believed, Obama's steadily cleaning up all the while trying his best to shut the "revolving door" between government officials and lobbyists, while Republicans fight damn near his every nomination.

And has anybody heard about how Obama's Interior Secretary Ken Salazar's kicking oil and mining interests out of our public lands and putting up windmills?

But none of this matters, of course. None of it is enough. "He needs to focus on jobs." As soon as he stepped into office, he got that $787 billion stimulus package (he'd wanted $1.2 trillion) through to save hundreds of thousand state employees from getting laid off and start or continue public works projects. But that's not focusing on jobs. He saved Detroit (which I was against) and tons of suppliers and dealerships. But that's not focusing on jobs either.

He stepped into office looking another Great Depression in the face while being engaged in two wars. The financial mess was 30 years in the making, but somehow he's supposed to fix it in 12 months. Bush, Paulson, and Congress gave Wall Street a $700 billion check and said, "Do what you want?" And while Geithner's got to go, Obama gets slammed for Wall Street's excesses.

Every time he tries to address these problems, the Right says he's doing too much; the Left, too little. And if he actually accomplishes something, we still say, "Obama ain't done shit."

Sure, it comes with the territory. This is politics, after all. But this all reminds me of that scene from Blazing Saddles, when Cleavon Little dispatches the town terror, Mongo, with an explosive candygram. Gene Wilder says, "Nice idea you had there with the candygram." Whereby, Cleavon Little resignedly sighs, "Yeah. But they probably won't give me credit for it, anyway."

Now, many Lefties will counter that he doesn't really deserve credit for any of it because he didn't get health care passed. So they conclude that, you guessed it, "Obama ain't done shit."

Now, this disappointment is to be expected. As I said before, Obama had been adopted as a sort of Messianic figure (just as Reagan and Clinton before him). We won't admit it, but we really wanted him to deliver us out of the wilderness. And while we didn't expect it to be instant--we kinda did. We set ourselves up for disappointment (as I'd promised), and now we've got it.

The thing is, in all that magnificent oratory Obama delivered during the campaign, filling us with "hope" for "change," there was one message of his we've all conveniently forgotten: we were supposed to be the agents for change.

In speech after speech, interview after interview, Obama said that the only thing that could combat the lobbyists and special interests and get Congress off their payola-plump posteriors was if we got out there and pulled them off their seats--you know, "people power." Yet, during this entire health care "debate," where were we?

When I went to a health care town hall meeting, I saw protesters all right. These people:





Oops. Sorry. I meant these people:





Damn. I meant these people:






Well, you get the idea.


Oh yeah, the Right heard Obama's message and acted. Dick Armey, Glenn Beck, Michelle Bachmann, and the Tea Baggers mobilized the troops. And while they represented less than 20 percent of public sentiment on the issue, they not only paralyzed the debate, they took that sumbitch over.

Yet, where were the 70 percent of folks who said they actually wanted health care reform? Better yet, where were all the people who claim to be liberal, Left, Progressive? Here we had a Democratic White House and Congress being besieged by Republicans, Fox News, lobbyists, and Tea Baggers, and we, the people who'd supposedly "fought" for health care for some 20 years now, were nowhere to be found.

At the town hall meeting I'd attended, there were liberals in the crowd. But we were few and far between, and, when the Tea Baggers started chanting for the cameras, few, if any rose their own voices in counter-protest and, when they did, they were timid and mousy and frankly seemed scared.

The Republicans brought the ruckus. This debate was a street fight, and they came with sticks and knives and brass knuckles and bazookas. We didn't even bring a motherfucking guitar to sing "Kumbayah." Hell, we didn't even bother to show up.

Those who used to call themselves Progressives, etc., back in the day would be ashamed. Unions during the Progressive Era faced cops with their billy clubs and guns, Pinkerton boys and their private armies. They faced Gatling guns, people! Civil Rights activists faced the Klan, FBI, cops, assassins' bullets, firebombs, and lynchings. We today couldn't even bother to get in our cars and go shout down a bunch of rednecks.

No, we'd rather sip on our lattes, watch Stewart and Colbert, get snarky on our blogs, and feel morally superior. Instead of joining the street fight, we tsk-tsked the Tea Baggers, clicked a Cause button on our Facebook, and acted like we did some shit.

So, right after you slam The Big Brutha for not doing anything about health care, ask yourself what you did. Most of you didn't protest against the Tea Baggers. You certainly didn't pull off a March on Washington. But the Tea Baggers did.

Oh wait. I know. You signed that MoveOn petition, didn't you?

Well, it looks like it just wasn't enough, was it?

When it comes to politics in this country, like it or not, we get what we deserve. During that whole debacle last year, we saw the fight. We saw the Republicans and Tea Baggers go at our President with guns blazing. We saw the Dems cringe and go lick their wounds on Corporate America's teat. We saw it all.

I'm not saying that things would've been different. Who knows? But we made it all too easy for everyone involved. None of these politicians had angry citizens banging at their doors demanding health care reform. The lobbyists were at the door. The Tea Baggers were at the door. But not the 70 percent of folks who said they wanted health care reform. We weren't there. We didn't make it uncomfortable for them.

To put it bluntly, people, we didn't do shit.

And who's to blame for that, liberals? Obama? The Corporcrats? The Tea Baggers? Or us?










PS. I know this is what we all were expecting when Obama took office ...





But that shit only happens in movies.

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