Tuesday, May 26, 2009

You Heard It Here First: Sotomayor Is a Terrorist!

As you've probably heard already, The Big Brother has chosen federal appeals court judge Sonia Sotomayor to replace Justice David Souter on the Supreme Court bench.

As you may have heard, the Republicans have been itching for this fight for awhile now--even without a nominee.

They've even named Alabama Republican, Jeff Sessions, to be top elephant on the Senate Judiciary Committee. This is the same committee (then Republican-controlled) who rejected Sessions himself for the bench back in '86 because, as a young US attorney, he called the ACLU and NAACP "un-American," "communist-inspired," and that they "forced civil rights down the throats of the people."

So, though they'll be howling in a wind tunnel, expect the Republicans to start screaming over this woman.

But Tio Memo, why do you think they'll call Judge Sotomayor, a respected federal judge, an alumnus of both Princeton and Yale, a George H.W. Bush appointee, why do you think they will call her a terrorist?!

Well, boys and girls, Judge Sonia Sotomayor is a self-proclaimed "Nuyorican."

[TRANSLATION: A Puerto Rican of New York descent.]

Now, unless your name is either "Little" Louie Vega or Kenny "Dope" Gonzales and you make some dope-ass house music, the mere use of this term marks you as "out of the mainstream."

[TRANSLATION: You made them Google the damned word just to figure out what it means.]

The Fuerzas Armadas de Liberación Nacional (TRANSLATION: Armed Forces of National Liberation, or simply FALN) were also Puerto Rican, fighting for the island's full independence. They were terrorists. They bombed the shit out of us. Between 1974 and 1983 they bombed over 100 US targets--mostly in New York and Chicago.

Hm? ... Bombs? ... New York? ... Puerto Rican? ... Nuyorican? ... Terrorist!!!

That's right, boys and girls. You see, a certain Nuyorican future judge was a mere, impressionable 20-years-old in 1974. You know, terrorist age. And those were heady, radical times back then. Patty Hearst, the Symbionese Liberation Army, the Black Panthers, Brown Panthers, Gray Panthers (no shit!), American Indian Movement. Black was beautiful, Wounded Knee was under siege, "PR"s were suddenly calling themselves "Nuyorican"! That was like Che Guevara's "Chicanos" out in California!

(Yeah, I know. If you haven't figured out, I've changed voices here.)

This wasn't your momma's West Side Story. Natalie Wood (born Natalia Zacharenko) wasn't singing about feeling pretty and witty and wise. That bitch was throwin' bombs!!!

And before you can blink an eye, there's going to be some right-wing nutjob website (probably the same one that said Obama was Malcolm X's love child) that will claim that Sonia Sotomayor (aka "The Boricua Bomber") was right alongside Natalia, al Qaedaing America before the World Trade Center was even a gleam in Osama's eye.

If not her, I'm sure they'll claim that the future justice (that's right, you ain't stoppin' this one!) had a father, mother, first cousin-twice removed who was part of the FALN. Or better yet, Lucy and Alicia Rodriguez are Sotomayor's notorious Independentista aunts who were released by Clinton and Attorney General Eric Holder!

(They already call him a terrorist sympathizer.)

Yes, those godless liberals are about to do us again! Not only do they insist on being soft on terrorists, making our country less safe with each drop of water not poured over Ahmed's face, but now these traitors are going to actually put a full-fledged terrorist on the bench of the Supreme friggin' Court!!!!


Max Reddick said...

Oh hell, it's on now! The GOP has been waiting for this moment for a while. Perhaps, they believe this fight will lend them some revelancy and/or credibility. Perhaps, they think it will enliven and embolden their base. I don't know. But in the end, she will more than likely get through and the GOP will eagerly await the next windmill to joust with.

Utah Savage said...

Oh hell, the GOP never saw a windmill it didn't want to demolish not tilt with. There isn't an idealist among them. Ideologue maybe, idealist never!

I am a member of the Grey Panthers! See my raised fist. I am a socialist! See the hammer and sickle hanging in midair above my head. Be afraid. Be very very afraid oh you pasty-faced white old men.