Thursday, May 7, 2009

Odds 'N' Ends

Just some random thoughts I've been having...

Jesus, enough with this damned swine flu already! I mean, seriously, we've seen this movie before -- way too many times before. Every few years, the media and our governments get us all worked up over the NEW KILLER EPIDEMIC! acting like the world is finally coming to an end and people will soon be dying in the streets from this Fever of the Month: Ebola, bird flu, SARS, jungle. Countless politicians, professionals, and press agencies beat the drum of hysteria. Hypochondriacs flood our hospitals. Millions of dollars are spent. They constantly tell us not to worry while worrying us with the hysteria of some other influenza outbreak that killed 20 million in 1910 and half of Europe in the Dark Ages.

And then it all mysteriously seems to vanish.

We never seem to get the follow-up reports telling us that this NEW KILLER EPIDEMIC! ended up being no deadlier than any other strain virus, flu, bacteria, whatever. They neglect to tell us that the reason this NEW KILLER EPIDEMIC! wasn't the Black Death at all is because we don't live in the same conditions they did back then or even our great-grandparents did 100 years ago. These people lived in overcrowded cities with common wells where the water gave them cholera, no indoor plumbing, and raw sewage tumbling down the gutters of their streets. In other words, our ancestors wallowed in their own shit. No wonder they got sick. In our highly sanitized world today, we simply don't live as wretchedly as our forebears.

But I guess that kind of reasoning don't sell newspapers, don't boost ratings, and definitely don't get you no extra funding for your local health department. I just hope they come up with a more politically correct name for the next outbreak. Swine flu was oh, so offensive.

This motherfucker is lying. Yeah you, Ben Bernanke, and your trusty sidekick, Eraserhead--I mean, Tim Geithner. That bullshit testimony you gave before Congress, talking about how the economy's starting to recover, well, no, I don't have any proof, and, well, yeah, millions of more people are going to lose their jobs in the next few months, and their houses, too, but, yeah, yall, things are looking up! Trust me!

And now you want us to believe this little "stress test" of yours? Coming up with more NEW and IMPROVED bullshit to cover the stench of the feces you've been burying us with for the past year. See, folks, everything's OK, the banks are starting to recover, oh yeah, sure they'll need hundreds of billions of more dollars, sure they still have those pesky "toxic assets," no, we don't need to fire anybody, take anything over, worse comes to worst, we'll just have to give these beautiful, rich people more of you poor bastards' tax money, but these banks are well on their way to recover! Things are looking up! Trust me!

What the hell, you lying sack of shit? I know you're just trying to cover your own ass over this TARP bullshit. And I know you're in bed with every banker in the biz. But damnit, you're the Fed Chair. You're supposed to be independent of your Wall Street cronies and the politicos. You're the one who's supposed to be making the tough decisions and cleaning this crap up. Not sitting up there trying to figure out how to save your boys' jobs and try to sneak them even more bonuses. When Paul Volcker was in your seat, facing runaway inflation back in '83, that bad boy cut off the money supply and threw America into a devastating recession. But he solved the problem. It was some mighty painful shit, but he ended stagflation as soon as he could. Not for the good of the Reagan administration. Not for the good of his banking BFFs. But for ... the ... good ... of the country! So Ben, quit your lying, quit lying around with whatever CEO's whispering sweet-nothings in your ears, take a shower, wash his sperm right out of your hair, and do your fucking job!

Well, Manny, as big as you are, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you're on the 'roids. It's just that, damn, can't anybody hit an honest home run in Major League Baseball anymore? Yall are so juiced, I hear they caught the San Diego Chicken with Human Growth Hormone.

But what was it I heard you got caught with? Something about a female fertility drug? How embarrassing? I wish you would've come to me for help with your excuse, though. Yours was pretty lame. You should've said that you're getting up there in years; the window's rapidly closing; and you were afraid that you'd never have children. Just imagine all the different ways Yankees fans are coming up with calling you a "Bitch" tonight.

Speaking of Ramirezes, what is up with those damned Washington Capitals? [Yes, Dr. Monkey and Grant, this black man is once again talking about hockey!] First, you're complaining about how the refs called more penalties against you than they did my Pens in Game 3. Hm, I guess it is utterly impossible that you guys actually committed more penalties than the Penguins did. Yeah, what was I thinking? Of course, the refs are dirty.

And now, you have the cops arresting some 17-year-old kid just because he threatened your star, Alexander Ovechkin's life on a fans' message board? Some kid writes: "I'm killing Ovechkin. I'll go to jail. I don't care anymore," and yall suddenly think you're in Skating for Columbine.

Don't you fools know you're up in the series 2-1? Stop your whining. You're the kind of Ramirezes that give Ramirez a bad name.

Why, when he speaks, does John Boehner always look like he's had something violently shoved up his rectum and that he:

A) Doesn't want to admit that it hurts like hell;

B) Doesn't want to admit that he actually kinda likes it;

C) Doesn't want to explain why it's been lodged up there since 1972; and

D) Why he's never had it removed?

Why does Hollywood keep giving Rashida Jones the Rae Dawn Chong treatment? In The Office, in I Love You, Man, and now in Parks and Recreations, they've always got this biracial beauty (Quincy Jones's daughter, I might add) paired up with a white man. Please, Hollywood, let the sista love a brutha for once! I mean, damn, she dated Tupac for godsakes!

Why does dropping Pooh off at day care bum me out so damned much?

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