Thursday, May 14, 2009

Enough to Make a Cossack Go ... "Damn"

Yes, my Penguins delivered the ass-whuppin' of the millennium last night against the Caps (6-2, people! 6-2! The Pens scored five before the Caps even realized they weren't skating for the judges). Yeah, I know a lot of hockey fans out there probably found the drubbing quite a bore, but this Pittsburgher found it quite refreshing, after that last Super Bowl, to be able to watch a final elimination game without having to take my heart medication. Not to say that the experience was not without its pain. My boy and I actually injured our hands high-fiving each other so damned much.

But seriously, folks, this drubbing will now silence all the Capitals' fans' conspiracy theories about how the refs were trying to give the Pens the series because Sidney Crosby's the "New Face of the NHL." Maybe the refs were trying to give away last night's game, but they had to stand in line behind Ovechkin, Mike Green, and Simeon Varlamov.

(Once again, inferior team, you lost because you ... were ... inferior. The Illuminati doesn't give two shits about who wins the Penguins/Capitals series. They're too busy screwing around with my checking account.)

The rapine also answers the idiotic question asked by Caps' no-show, Alexander Semin: "What's so special about Crosby?"

Well ... everything!

The boy's barely 21-years-old and (while it's definitely not all him) looks like he may be leading his team to a second, consecutive Stanley Cup final. Now, Semin, ask yourself, Mr. Twenty-Five-Year-Old-Russian-Phenom-First-Round-Draft-Choice-with-Absolutely-No-Goals-in-This-Last-Series, what's so special about you?

Last night's blood bath also gave me and Triple P (Pinoy Penguins Pal) the opportunity to tell all those racist, homophobic, and downright inhospitable Caps fans outside the Verizon Center last night to, and I paraphrase, "Suck a dick, motherfucker."

And, finally, the murderous mayhem of Malkinian mastery gave this hockey fan hope for the rest of the season. That was the best I think I've ever seen the Pens play. They were like Detroit was against us the first two games of last year's Stanley Cup. If they play like they did last night and somehow escape having to face Detroit (Go, Anaheim! or Go, Chicago!), you've got to like our chances.

(Remember, I called the Super Bowl pretty early.)

Steeler All-Pro defensive tackle, Casey Hampton, is proof-positive that yours truly is not the only Hottentot hockey fan.

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