Saturday, May 23, 2009

Dick and the Big Rock

Blacklie Whiplash here (nee Peter Kirsanow of National Review) took time away from barbershop quartet practice long enough to write a glowing defense of Dick Cheney's torture speech this week at the American Enterprise Institute. In it he posited the ever-pertinent question on everyone's minds these days:

"When that big asteroid finally heads toward Earth, who's the person you'd most want to be in charge?"

and concluded:

"I suspect Cheney would score at or near the top."

Now, never ones to question the veracity of anything coming from National Review we here at Tome have asked ourselves WWDD if The Big Rock came hurtling towards our beloved Third Rock? and came up with this list:

Top 20 Things Dick Cheney Would Do
to Stop an Asteroid from Obliterating Earth

1. Shoot it in the face.

2. Go on a media campaign of outrage! Outrage, I say! against the asteroid for referring to his daughter as a "lesbian." His wife, Lynne, will ride shotgun on this one.

3. Declare it a "weapon of mass destruction," make allusions to "smoking guns" and "mushroom clouds" and never find the damned thing.

4. Join the circle-jerk seance with Rudy Giuliani and Bill Kristol, repeatedly chanting "9/11! 9/11! 9/11!" in the hopes of ... wait, why do they keep chanting "9/11!" again?

5. Cut taxes!

6. Defy all rules of logic--and the law of gravity--and waterboard the asteroid until it confesses that Saddam was involved in its hurtling towards Earth.

7. Nothing. Like military service in Vietnam, he'll have "better things to do."

8. Nothing. He doesn't believe that Big Government can solve all our problems.

9. Nothing. He'll be too busy testifying in the Hague.

10. Have another heart attack and recuperate by spooning Scooter Libby in an "undisclosed location."

Wait! We gotta stop here! Kirsanow has tied Nell to the damned railroad tracks again and we've gotta go save her before the oncoming train slices her in two!


Max Reddick said...

Dick has been acting out of character lately. I never this many press conferences featuring him in the whole eight years of his vice-presidency put together. If he keeps talking, he's going to talk himself into a legal hole.

nunya said...

Oh man, I was hoping the 2nd half of the question would be, "Who would I like it to hit?"

boukman70 said...


You must've been reading my mind. I was thinking about posting something about that today, but apparently I'm going to the Bay. So, maybe by Tuesday.


After we get Nell the therapy she needs, I'll think about that one. But today's candidate would probably be David Broder for this bit of bullshit:

Off to go eat some crab!!!