Liar, Liar

The Democrats thought they had him defeated, that the Republicans had been crushed, and the Bush Administration was now dead and out of the way--only to be raised from the dead when America needed another bugaboo. However, when it comes to the undead, they didn't realize these bastards don't just fade away, you have to kill their asses and make sure they remain dead. So, no, you couldn't just flash a crucifix, sprinkle a little holy water onto Dick Cheney, and nail his sarcophagus shut. You had to run that stake straight through his heart. And because of that little oversight, the Dickster has arisen from his grave to take down one of your own.

And he's doing a mighty fine job of it, too. The former Vice President's one-man crusade to devour the heart of American Exceptionalism and validate torture has caught Nancy Pelosi in its snare, and, like any trapped animal, the Speaker is lashing out furiously over whether or not she was debriefed about the CIA's torturing prisoners (or shall I say, “the Cheney methods of interrogation”). Pelosi forgets that the more you struggle, the tighter the noose becomes.

Look, we all remember how cowardly you Dems were after September 11. You were tripping over yourselves trying to out-patriot the P.A.T.R.I.O.T. Act. You just didn't give a shit. You didn't want to appear "anti-American." Bush could've said, "We're going to invade Mecca during Ramadan, rape all the women and boys under the age of 12, and slit everyone else's throats," and you would've crooned, "War on Terror, Massa Chahlie!"

So, it's not out of the realm of possibility that you were fully debriefed on what was going on. Your own words make me believe that you had. That whole thing you said about "the only mentioning of waterboarding was that they weren't doing it" crap? Why would they have even brought it up if they were not doing it? How would anyone would've even known how to ask? Were you all watching Pol Pot's Greatest Hits, saw some waterboarding, and wondered, "Hey, I wonder if our boys are doing that? Maybe I should ask?"

But what really convinces me is your calling everyone a liar. Cheney's a liar! Rove's a liar! The CIA are a bunch of liars! And you're the only one willing to stand up to the truth here, Nancy? Don't you realize that the more you protest, the more it sounds like there's a legitimate reason why thou dost protesteth too much? You're starting to sound like Marion Jones when she was screaming to high heavens about the steroid witch hunt before she had even been tested. And we all know how that turned out.



But hey, look, Nancy Pelosi isn't the only liar this week who's annoying me. Here are some others for your reading pleasure:





President Obama. No, it's Bash-O-Bama Week at Tome. In a strange way, I kind of admire the deftness of his sudden refusal to release the torture pix. Yeah, it was a reversal, a slap in the face to bring forth a new era of openness in governance. But, The Big Brother is now President. He has to support his troops, his CIA, FBI, and all that yadda-yaddaness. Besides, we all know that the photos will be released eventually, but now Obama can be all Shaggy-like, put up his hands, and say, "Wasn't me."

What does annoy me, though, is his perpetuation of the"few bad apples" bullshit myth. We couldn't have had W. spouting his Connecticut Cowboy Macho crap, the veep openly endorsing torture (then and now), and the Justice Department writing up legal justifications of torture and believe (without the help of a frontal lobotomy) that any of this stuff was "just a few bad apples." No, this torture nightmare was systemic, it ran all throughout American foreign policy. Apparently, even the Democrats knew about it (see above) and refused to do a damned thing about it. Hell, weren't there even Abu Ghraib photos where commanding officers were walking by while these "few bad apples" humiliated their prisoners?

Pat Buchanon and all those jackholes on the Right who are oh-so-morally outraged over Wanda Sykes's performance Saturday night at the White House Correspondents' Dinner--as though this was the most outrageous thing their virgin ears have ever heard. Well, what about these recent Republican doozies?

"How can 2,000,000 blacks get into Washington, D.C., in one day in subzero temps when 200,000 couldn't get out of New Orleans in 85 degree temps with four days notice?"
-- Hillsborough County, FL, Republican committeewoman, Carol Carter


"I believe that there is a very strong chance that we will see that young people will be put into mandatory service. And the real concerns is that there are provisions for what I would call re-education camps for young people, where young people have to go and get trained in a philosophy that the government puts forward and then they have to go to work in some of these politically correct forums."
--GOP Congresswoman Michele Bachmann
(Oh, wait, she was being serious.)


"Despite how the conflict has been portrayed by our glorious media, if you gave any U.S. soldier a gun with two bullets in it, and he found himself in an elevator with Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Osama bin Laden, there's a good chance that Nancy Pelosi would get shot twice, and Harry Reid and bin Laden would be strangled to death."
--CBS golf analyst (closet Republican?) David Feherty





Nick Cannon. Look, Nick, I understand that you're married to Mariah Carey. I understand that Eminem has called her a whole bunch of nasty in his latest album. I understand your need to call him out--maybe even whip his ass. I mean, a celebrity smackdown seems a bit silly, but I understand your perceived need. But am I really supposed to take you seriously when you write stuff like this: "...but I thought we got passed the days where white men could spew vulgar obscenities at our beautiful queens and get away with it."

Now, unlike a lot of folks in my community, I do not question your wife's racial identity. But, seriously, I'm supposed to get all Nat Turner and shit because Eminem has called your wife a "cunt"? Don't get me wrong, I even hate typing that word. So, I don't mind your trying to drum up a little antipathy for Mr. Eight Mile. But this one ain't racial. He didn't call her "black whore." He called her a whore.

And if you're really all that upset about what our black queens are being called by rappers, you've got about 20 years of righteous indignation to work through before you even touch Eminem's first album. Why don't you threaten to kick Ice Cube's ass? Or 50's?

But no, you get all Jesse Jackson and Rev. Al on us, calling us to boycott or protest or riot or sit in the front of the bus, or some shit. Come on, dude, we all know there wasn't anything racial in this attack on your wife. It's just Eminem doing what he does (have you heard what the man says about his own mother?), trying to outrage in order to revive a flagging career. In fact, your trying to manufacture some racial outrage of your own makes me wonder if a new Drumline is coming out, or something.




David Stern. Well, since we're all into claiming racism, what else can explain the NBA commissioner's latest non-action? He's willing to bring down the heavens on any player who strays one page off the Emily Post Guide to Proper Negro Behavior, and, yet, when Mavericks' owner, Mark Cuban, gets into a player's mother's face, screaming about how she raised her up a thug, Stern does absolutely nothing (talk about a white man being able to say anything to our black queens). And then when asked about it, Stern comes up with this load of bull:

"I thought it was time to try to make cooler heads prevail and move to something else. Because this is a league that I think takes justifiable pride in its inclusiveness and diversity, and this was not something I felt particularly proud of."

I don't know, people. This looks like a job for Nick Cannon, if you ask me.




Stellan Skarsgård. Look, as an actor, I love you, man. Breaking the Waves is still one of my favorite movies of all-time (which I don't know exactly what that says about me). I even love your honesty when it comes to what you think about Dan Brown: I think Dan Brown is a terribly bad writer, but he has cliffhangers after every chapter which makes you continue reading." But then I'm supposed to believe that you're appearing in Angels and Demons because it's better than the atrocious Da Vinci Code and that "the story is more simple and straightforward but just as dramatic?"

Come on, dude, fess up. You did it for the money!




Bill Campbell. Yes, I admit it. This week I'd promised my wife that I'd clean the bathroom tomorrow. But, in my head, I keep concocting elaborate schemes to somehow get out of the task. Don't be surprised if you see me tomorrow in a neck brace or ... wait, better yet, a full-body cast.