"This is a glorious day!" trumpets Adolf Hitler, in his finest, Versace tuxedo. Joseph Stalin, decked in Vera Wang, nods in enthusiastic agreement.
Many historical observers would have never thought that this day would ever come. Many are probably rolling over in their graves as you read this. But these two dictators, who many have considered to be on opposite sides of the political spectrum, and who waged a devastating, four-year war against each other that left tens of millions dead, are uniting today--in marriage. Who is responsible for their pending nuptials?
"It is almost impossible to believe that I, the very definition of white supremacy," chortles Hitler, "would find such a kindred spirit in Barack Obama. But he's like the son I never had."
"Me, too," shines Stalin. "He stands for everything I stood for. Believes everything I believed in. He is the perfect Soviet!"
"The perfect Nazi!" Hitler heatedly corrects.
The two stare angrily at each other. Then, Stalin licks his thumb and rubs it against Hitler's moustache.
"You had some schmutz, darling."
"Oh, thank you, dear."
The two bloodiest dictators of the twentieth century kiss and hug. All is right again.
"It's like Addie and I got together and had our own child," Stalin says. "And we named him Barack Obama."
"We are so proud of that boy," Hitler says, wiping away a tear. "He will finally fulfill the thousand-year reign of the Aryan race I long dreamed of!"
"And make the world one, single proletariat!" Staling adds.
"He is half-black, ya know?" I hesitantly correct.
A big, burly Ss soldier steps forward and growls. Hitler holds up a hand and stays the beast.
Stalin laughs. "And I was part of the 'demon Asiatic horde'!"
Hitler laughs, too. "I was young. I said things I didn't mean back then. I am sure you have done the same."
"I once said that Kid N Play were the best rap group in history," I confess.
We all laugh at that one. "Ridiculous!" Stalin pours vodka.
"So, you two are no longer enemies?" I venture.
"We were until Barack brought us together," Stalin says. "We realized that he alone could bring our dreams to fruition."
"The total destruction of the United States," Hitler beams.
"The utter smashing of the capitalist state and thieving bourgeoisie," Stalin growls.
"The glorious creation of one, great National Socialist--"
"--Soviet Republic of the United States of America," Stalin concludes, dreamy-eyed. "Wondrous, isn't it?"
"The N.S.S.R.U.S.A.?" I ask. "And how will he go about doing all that?"
"'Go about'?" Stalin asks. "Why, he has already done it."
"Yes," Hitler agrees. "He got the health care bill passed. Didn't you see it?"
"Uh, all of that is in the bill?" I ask.
"Yes. The forced exile of all Spanish speakers." Stalin.
"The covert sterilization of the Africans." Hitler.
"The death panels that will elmminate the old, the weak, the infirmed." Stalin.
"The total annihilation of the Jews." Hitler.
They both sigh, "Ah ... the Jews."
"It makes you wonder why the white working class protested the damned thing so vehemently," I say. "It sounds like they're the main beneficiaries of the legislation."
"I blame affirmative action," Hitler says.
"Of course you do," I say.
"It brought down your education system," he continues. "Those Tea Party people don't realize how good they got it. The country will soon be theirs again!"
"Yes! One large--"
"Because of the health care bill?" I ask again, incredulous.
"Read the bill!" Stalin commands.
I start reading--fervently.
"And when we were reading the bill ourselves," Stalin continues, "we started realizing how much we have in common."
"How we were silly to think that Nazism and Communism were actually two, competing ideologies," Hitler added. "Those Tea Party people made us see the light. JoJo and I were actually fighting for the same things. The same things Barack Obama is fighting for."
"It's one of the things all three of us have in common." Hitler.
"We all like schnitzel." Stalin.
"And Marlene Dietrich movies." Hitler.
"And who doesn't love killing Jews?" Hitler.
"Uhhh ..." Me.
"And then, when we saw on page 1046 of the bill, the page that legalizes gay marriage, we realized that we had to make our newfound love known," Hitler declares.
"It is the only way to pay proper tribute to Barack Obama for all he's done for the cause of Communism!"
"And who can resist that moustache," Stalin says, twinking Hitler on the nose.
"Oh, you silly Asiatic."
The two men hug. They do truly look happy. It's a bright, shiny day in Warsaw. I wish you all could be here to see it.
Monday, March 22, 2010