I Am Shocked! Shocked!!! I Say

I tell ya, there must be a phrase out there for all the totally unexpected bombshells that have hit the news, things we never saw coming that have rocked our world recently. I guess the only phrase I can come up with is "Shock and Awe." And, I must confess, I am shocked! Shocked!!! I say ...






I mean, who woulda ever thunk that the Mark McGwire would actually confess to using steroids during his baseball career? I mean, just because he was photographed during his home-run record run with a bottle of steroids--just because when he testified before Congress about steroid use, he said, "I'm not here to discuss the past. I'm here to be positive" [emphasis added]--just because he "gained" like 100 lbs. of "muscle" from the minor leagues to the majors didn't mean he was juicing. Right? Right? No, this came as a total surprise to all us baseball fans. Completely out of left field. Oh, I guess I mean first base.

And isn't it absolutely, completely, and utterly surprising that Commissioner Bud Selig took this opportunity to say that they've done a really good job in cleaning up steroids from baseball? {cough} Albert Pujols {cough}.

And wasn't it just mind-blowing how Tony LaRussa, the man who has coached both McGwire and Jose Conseco--and oh yeah, Albert Pujols--had the temerity, the duplicity, the ... the ... the Scritti Politti to say that he knew absolutely nothing about the juicing and that he runs "a clean program"?





And what? What could've been more shocking than hearing the news that former Alaskan governor and Republican VP candidate, Sarah Palin, has given up all political aspirations to become a political commentator on Fox News? I mean, the real surprise is that she had any political aspirations left after leaving the governorship to go on a book tour. Oh, Sarah. Why? Why?

And all this just before a new tell-all book, Game Change, is coming out talking about how mentally unstable you were on the campaign trail. Oh, to fall so far, so fast. I mean, QVC wasn't hiring?





And who was not absolutely floored when the Grand Douchess of Football, Danielle Snyder, fired yet another coach, Jim Zorn, to hire his seventh coach in 10 years, Mike Shanahan. I mean, this model of consistency within an organization (unlike those mercurial Steelers who have had fewer head coaches in my lifetime than the Vatican has had Popes) has yet again surprised us all with its own form of mavericky politicking.

And the sagacious Snyder has once again shown that he consults the legendary John Madden (the video game--not the actual coach) when making these important football decisions. The players he picks up are always ranked 90 or better on the game (Deion Sanders, Bruce Smith, Antwan Randle El, Brandon Lloyd, Jeff George, Albert Haynesworth, Jason Taylor, etc.) and always seem close to their 90th birthdays when he signs them to $90-million contracts.

But, to be consistent, he referred back to his Madden '98 to pick his new coach. Back when Shanahan was considered a genius. Of course, if he looks back at that '98 Broncos roster, he may be shocked to see that Shanahan was then coaching John Elway and Terrell Davis. I don't see either of those guys on the Redskins '10 roster. Hm....





OK, I wasn't so shocked and not really all that surprised that the Ravens beat the Patriots on Sunday. With their revamped, rookie defense, I felt that Pats' 10-6 record was all smoke-and-mirrors, anyway. But the way the Ravens utterly cleared that smoke away and smashed those mirrors to smithereens to hand the Pats their asses to them was shocking.

However, I was shocked at that 51-45 Cardinals/Packers game. I mean, has no one heard of defense? Man, I thought somewhere along the way I had stopped watching an NFL playoff game and was somehow kicking Dabalou's ass yet again in Madden. I mean, Kurt Warner threw more touchdown passes than incomplete passes! What the hell kind of madness is that?!!!





I was utterly shocked to find that Congressional Quarterly just released a report, stating that 2009 was "the most partisan year ever" in Congress. So, all those videos I've been watching of Congress getting together, holding hands, and singing, "Kumbayah!" together were what? Fox News propaganda?!

I mean, I know Joe Wilson yelled at the President while he was addressing Congress. Something about, "You lie," or something. And I know John Boehner said that the new health care bill was something like the most egregious "attack on our freedom that I've ever seen in my 19 years in Congress." But I figured he just misspoke, right? I mean, he had heard of the P.A.T.R.I.O.T. Act, hadn't he? And sure, Michelle Bachmann has ... well ... lost her gotdamned mind. But I just assumed that these were rare discordant notes in the harmony which is Congress. To hear that 72 percent of last year's Senate's votes are considered partisan and that it is the highest percentage in the history of the Senate ... well, that just doesn't add up.





And I simply can't believe the diminution of math skills that has hit the Right. Now, apparently, such Conservative luminaries as Rudy Giuliani, Monica Crowley, and Bill O'Reilly, pillars of integrity all!, are claiming that there were absolutely no domestic terrorist attacks under W. and three under Obama. And what they consider "terrorist attacks" is just astounding. Apparently, "America's Mayor" was on an elevator the other day with a young Libyan named Muhammad when the offending Muslim farted. Little did we know that methane is a "weapon of mass destruction" (or a "by-product of food consumption," one can never be sure). But, according to Giuliani, that counts as a domestic terror attack.

I guess what they say is true: 2 + 2 &ne 9/11.