Poohbutt Wilberforce on the Eating of Morning Cereal

This morning yours truly was oh-so-pleasantly reminded of the challenges of raising a precocious toddler who has not yet even reached two years of age. As you will soon be able to tell, we have grown way past the temper tantrum and screamings of "I don't want!"




"Pooh, would you like some cereal for breakfast."

"When I consider the magnitude of the subject which I am to bring before this House—a subject, in which the interests, not of this household, nor of Maryland alone, but of the whole world, and of posterity, are involved: and when I think, at the same time, on the weakness of the advocate who has undertaken this great cause—when these reflections press upon my mind, it is impossible for me not to feel both terrified and concerned at my own inadequacy to such a task."

"Baby, we're just talking about cereal here."

"Well, Father, when I reflect on the encouragement which I have had, through the whole course of a long and laborious examination of this question, and how much candor I have experienced, and how conviction has increased within my own mind, in proportion as I have advanced in my labors—-"

"Cheerios, baby. You like Cheerios."

"--when I reflect, especially, that however averse any gentleman may now be, yet we shall all be of one opinion in the end;—when I turn myself to these thoughts, I take courage—-"

"Well, uh, that's good to know."

"I determine to forget all my other fears, and I march forward with a firmer step in the full assurance that my cause will bear me out, and that I shall be able to justify upon the clearest principles, every resolution in my hand, the avowed end of which is, the total abolition of high fructose corn syrup."

"I don't know how you're gonna do that, Pooh. It's in everything."

"I wish exceedingly, in the outset, to guard both myself and this house from entering into the subject with any sort of passion. It is not your passions I shall appeal to—-"

"Well, I don't like the stuff, either. But it is in everything."

"I ask only for your cool and impartial reason; and I wish not to take you by surprise--"

"You have."

"--but to deliberate, point by point, upon every part of this question. I mean not to accuse any one, but to take the shame upon myself, in common, indeed, with the whole United States of America, for having suffered this horrid trade on chemically-produced sugar substitutes to be carried on under their authority.

"We are all guilty—we ought all to plead guilty, and not to exculpate ourselves by throwing the blame on others; and I therefore deprecate every kind of reflection against the various descriptions of people who are more immediately involved in this wretched business."

"Well, I have heard it contains mercury. I guess that can't be good, right?"

"Having now disposed of the first part of this subject, I must speak of the transit of the slaves in the West Indies and the ruination of black youth via the destructive commercialization of agricultural products and foodstuffs."

"Slavery and 'foodstuffs,' Pooh? I don't get it."

"This I confess, in my own opinion, is the most wretched part of the whole subject."

"Well, yeah. I guess it would be."

"So much misery condensed in so little room, is more than the human imagination had ever before conceived. I will not accuse Big Agra: I will allow them, nay, I will believe them to be men of humanity; and I will therefore believe, if it were not for the enormous magnitude and extent of the evil which distracts their attention from individual cases, and makes them think generally, and therefore less feelingly on the subject, they would never have persisted in the trade."

"I'm sure they'll be relieved to hear that. Would you like bacon and eggs instead?"

"I verily believe therefore, if the wretchedness of any one of the many hundred Negroes stowed in each housing project could be brought before their view, and remain within the sight of the Agricultural Merchant, that there is no one among them whose heart would bear it.

"Let any one imagine to himself 6 or 7,000 of these wretches chained to one's baby mama, surrounded with every object that is nauseous and disgusting, diseased, and struggling under every kind of wretchedness--forced to eat Cap'n Crunch! Boo Berry! while drinking grape Kool-Aid! Growing fatter by the day!

"How can we bear to think of such a scene as this? One would think it had been determined to heap upon them all the varieties of bodily pain, for the purpose of blunting the feelings of the mind; and yet, in this very point (to show the power of human prejudice) the situation of the slaves has been described by Mr. Blythe, one of the lobbyists for the Agricultural Council of California, in a manner which, I am sure will convince this house--"

"You can still call me 'Daddy,' you know?"

"--how interest can draw a film across the eyes, so thick, that total blindness could do no more; and how it is our duty therefore to trust not to the reasonings of interested men, or to their way of colouring a transaction."

"I guess that's why they're milking this whole swine flu thing, hunh? How about crackers, Pooh? You love crackers!"

"Mr. Blythe says, 'Their apartments are fitted up as much for their advantage as circumstances will admit. The right ankle of one, indeed is connected with the flat-screen television as they devour nutritious Doritos and play their Nintendo Wiis. They have several meals a day; some of their own country provisions, with the best artificial flavorings money can buy; and by way of variety, another meal of microwave popcorn, &c. according to American taste.

'After breakfast they have water to wash themselves, while their apartments are perfumed with frankincense and lime-juice. Before dinner, they are amused after the manner of their country, the Cartoon Network. The song and dance are promoted by T.I. and Beyonce,' and, as if the whole was really a scene of pleasure and dissipation it is added, that games of chance are furnished.

'The men play tonk and rap, while the women and girls make fanciful ornaments with beads, which they are plentifully supplied with.'

"Such is the sort of strain in which the Big Agra lobbyists, and particularly Mr. Blythe, gave evidence before the House of Representatives. What will the House think when, by the concurring testimony of other witnesses, the true history is laid open.

"The modern-day slaves who are sometimes described as rejoicing at their captivity, are so wrung with misery at having to watch Tyler Perry, that it is the constant practice to supply them with heroine, lest they should be sensible of their lack of gainful employment. The microwave popcorn which Mr. Blythe talks of is not even Orville Reddenbacher--but generic!"

"Come on--I don't see--I mean, it's just cereal, baby."

"Mr. Blythe talks of frankincense and lime juice--"

"OK, look, don't tell Mommy. We'll have pizza instead."

"PIZZA!!!!"




-- "Excerpted" from William Wilberforce's 1789 Abolition Speech before the House of Commons. What can I say? The girl knows her history.