I've just been admonished by a certain someone (my wife) who often expresses discomfort (my wife) when mentioned by name (my wife) in Tome because I promised to blog about the Super Bowl first thing this morning. So I apologize to my wife (oh crap!) and the rest of you. I've had to tend to a fussy Poohbutt this morning, who usually gets that way when forced to stay up late and having her father screaming like a lunatic the night before. So, here ya go:
I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up
I'll confess, I admire Bruce Springsteen more than I actually like his music. His erformance was great, though. I really enjoyed it. However, when he opened his show with his trademark whatever-that's-called, his backward mic split(?), I thought I heard a hip pop and I was worried someone was going to have to help him back up.
As noted before, Steelers' owner Dan Rooney is a huge Obama supporter. Apparently, Csrdinals' owner, Bill Bidwell is a big McCain backer, but with Big Ben, Santonio Holmes, and the Boss (also a strong campaigner for the Prez) against him, Bidwell, once again, didn't have a chance. I wonder how long it will be before reports will have Bidwell's people blaming Sarah Palin for the Super Bowl loss.
Stop Bitin' My Lines
Now the youngest coach to win the Super Bowl, you've gotta love our Omar Epps-look-alike. What can you say, the brother's got juice (yeah, I said it). I love his no-nonsense style (though he really could've smiled when he took that picture with my mother) and I'm clearly grateful for him getting the Steeler Nation a sixth Super Bowl title, I was a little upset with his post-game podium speech. And I quote: "I cannot say enough about what these guys are willing to do for one another. Steeler football is 60 minutes. It's never going to be pretty, throw style points out of the window." Why did he have to steal my lines? You replace "Steeler football" with "Bill Campbell sex," and that's exactly what I used to tell the ladies back when I was single.
Sorry, I'm a bit hungry. I'll be right back after I indulge my patriotic, Pittsburgh fervor with this Polish delight.
All right, we're back.
Odd Brother Out
With Barack Obama, Michael Steele, Eric Holder, and Mike Tomlin, it's easy to celebrate the "Ascendency of the Black Man." However, I feel that we take a moment to remember the brother left behind. That's right, Dennis Green, former coach of the Arizona Cardinals. Now, I know it's a travesty that he never made it to the Super Bowl with that great Vikings team he had. I'm also aware that the man did lose his fucking mind, but give Green some credit. He did help build these Super Bowl Cardinals. Give me just a little love.
Wow ... You've Got to be Kidding Me
While my boy and I were in a heated debate about which is the stupidest personal foul to get, roughing the passer or roughing the kicker, Adrian Wilson had to have pulled off the absolute dumbest play I've ever seen in my life: Roughing the Holder. I mean, you can argue momentum with the kicker and quarterback (in fact, sometimes I think the latter can be a pretty ticky-tacky call), but damn, the place holder?! What the hell was Wilson thinking? Oh yeah, I guess he does have a rep as one of the NFL's dirtiest players.
Now, That's Foul
Dear Kurt Warner,
Your story has got to be one of the greatest in the NFL. You went from driving a forklift to making three Super Bowl appearances. Yes, you've been to the Super Bowl three times. You own the three greatest Super Bowl quarterback performances in the 43 games. All three times, you left the field with your team winning the Big One. Yet, you've only one one. While the Buffalo Bills own the record for Super Bowl futility (I mean, no one has ever gone to the SB four years in a row--only to lose all four), but you're definitely tied with the Minnesota Vikings. Unlike those two teams, I actually feel bad for you, Kurt. You seem like a genuinely nice guy. You deserve better. Against any other team, I would've been rooting for you. Instead, I was hoping for your downfall. I'm sure you understand.
Speaking of Losers...
Stop hating on my Steelers! It's been three, fucking years. And ... you ... lost, asshole. And in the ultimate act of classlessness, you blamed the refs? Yeah, it was the refs who lost to the quarterback with the worst QB rating in SB history. It was the refs who let Willie Parker bust the longest run in SB history. Oh yeah, and it was the refs who fell for a trick play your opponent ran three weeks beforehand! Ever hear of game tape, motherfucker?! Study that, and stop blaming everybody else for your incompetence. Were you in the Bush administration, or something? I mean, shit, you had Brett Favre all those years and only came away with one Super Bowl ring. Even Alberto Gonzalez could've pulled that one off. And what was with the pinched face last night? Did you have your nose stuck in Matt Millen's armpits the whole night?
And while I'm at it ...
Yeah, I get the fact that you were a Hall of Fame linebacker with four Super Bowl rings, but, as a general manager for the Detroit Lions, you broke every offensive record in the books. Your high-profile picks of Charles Rogers, Joey Harrington, and Mike Williams led the D-Town D-Saster to the worst record in the NFL (31-97) since World War II. Though you were ousted early, your team made history by being the only team ever to go 0-16. How can you have any legitimacy as a football commentator? I thought the casting couch was only in Hollywood, but seeing you as a commentator last night made us all wonder, who did you blow to get that gig? Wait. Was it Mike Holmgren?
Out of "The"s
Thanks to Joe Montana and John Elway, we're pretty much out of definitive articles to describe last night's classic game. The Drive can't describe the magic that Big Ben and Santonio Holmes's Stockton-to-Malone imitation in the last 90 seconds of the game, and The Catch can't be used for Santonio's grab. And what about James Harrison's hard-ass interception and 100-yard return? "The Snatch" would just be taken the wrong way. Any suggestions?
Do the Right Thing
My Boy's Wife (Southerner): Now, that's one movie I just couldn't stand.
Bill (Pittsburgher): Really, 'cause that's one of my favorite movies of all time.
My Boy: Yeah, really.
Bill: Oh, you Southerners just don't understand how we do down Norf.
My Boy's Wife: Yeah, maybe I just didn't get it.
My Boy: (in his best Stepinfetchit tone) Now, why yall gonna go upsettin' Mistah Chahlie like dat. You know he good people.
Yeah, there was no Janet Jackson Nipplegate this year--though we did get Springsteen's crotch. I did hear complaints about sexism in the Super Bowl ads. I didn't realize that Danica Patrick lesbian shower scenes was in the least bit sexist, but what do I know? Either way, none of it beats Comcast showing its 80,000 Tucson customers straight-up porn. I'm gettin' cable tomorrow!
35: The Witching Second
With the last two Super Bowls being decided with exactly 35 seconds to go, you bet your ass that the next team will be up by at least nine points come Super Bowl XLIV.
Yeah, last night's game was great. A little too great for my tastes. I mean, I'm old. I got a condition. I was screaming, "I'm coming, Elizabeth!" throughout the entire fourth quarter. The commentators, of course, were on about "the greatest Super Bowl ever" before time had actually expired.
I don't know which Super Bowl was the greatest of all-time, but I'd say last night was the third best Super Bowl of the last ten years:
1. Super Bowl XLII -- Giants 17, Patriots 14
Not only was it a great game where it really seemed like the players were giving it their all on every, single play; not only was the game decided with 35 seconds left; but, as far as sports history goes, that game had so much riding on it, it was bound to be a classic. The Pats were playing for the perfect season. Also, with four Super Bowl victories in six years, if they had won, capping it all off with a perfect season, the 2000s New England Patriots would have definitely and definitively been considered the greatest dynasty of all-time. They would've deserved it, too. But Baby Manning, Plexiglas, and David Tyree had different ideas. I have to say, since my Steelers had been stomped over twice on New England's way to their dynasty, I was absolutely elated when Plex made that catch.
2. Super Bowl XXXIV -- Rams 23, Titans 16
Sure, if Kevin Dyson would've scored, it only would've tied the game (unless Jeff Fisher would've had the chutzpah to have gone for two). But, come on! Steve McNair orchestrated such an exquisitely desperate drive, we were all on the edge of our seats. The clock was ticking, Steve was scrambling. It almost looked like Air was going to pull it off. Then Mike Jones tackles Kevin Dyson less than a yard from the end zone. And the clock expired. And remember, that was after almost 20 years of real snoozer Super Bowls with the NFC just stomping all over the AFC year after lopsided year. XXXIV brought the Super Bowl back, and we haven't had that many boring games since.
3. Super Bowl LXIII -- Steelers 27, Cardinals 23
You were there. No need to recount it. Besides, my boy had to perform a triple bypass on me after the Santonio catch. I'm ecstatic, but a little bitter at the moment.