Monday, December 29, 2008

Decisions Made E-Z

In these historically catastrophic times, we need bold, decisive leadership. The world needs people who are unafraid to take the reins and lead us out of the darkness. We need imaginative heroes who will not blink when ... at least filling Illinois' and New York's vacant Senate seats.

After this historic year and election, after all the soaring rhetoric and braggadocio, we at Tome have come to realize that our politicians are still full of it, mealy-mouthed, and, at best, mediocre. And, because of these glaring facts, we do not understand why it is not glaringly obvious that New York's and Illinois' politicians simply do not resort to the greatest tool mediocrity has ever known: nepotism.

New York's case is so incestuous it's simple. Governor David Paterson, son of a former state senator and New York secretary of state, must fill Hillary Clinton's Senate seat (who got it because her hubby was POTUS) with either (as conventional wisdom would have it) Andrew Cuomo, the current state's attorney general, or Caroline Kennedy, the ... uh ... Kennedy. Andrew's argument is that his father was governor and that his brother, Chris, is one hot dude. His dad could give a pretty mean speech. As far as Chris goes, I don't know. I'm still obsessed with the fact that the Today Show's Lester Holt is the only man in African-American history without lips.

But, if we're talking simple pedigree here, you've got to go with Caroline. Her uncle Ted's now being called "The Lion of the Senate," and he's about to kick the bucket; her uncle Bobby held the same Senate seat; her father was JFK, for godsakes; and every one of Caroline's cousins who isn't in rehab has held some sort of public office. If W. could win the Presidency just on the laurels of his father's mediocrity, isn't Caroline due at least a Senate seat--if not the Presidency, or at least the Papacy?!

I'm sure Gov. Paterson knows this. I'm almost certain he'll do the right thing and choose Caroline Kennedy.

Now, Illinois' seat is definitely a bit trickier, what with Gov. Cowpadour (get it?) on tape trying to sell the vacancy. For awhile there, it looked like Blagojevich was headin' to the slammer. Everybody was crying out for his blood. His own attorney general has been hacking away. But now things look a little murky. Blago refuses to step down. People are now doubting he can be impeached. They're even starting to wonder if the man can actually be charged with anything at all. The only thing that is known right now is that Illinois has a vacant Senate seat.

Of course, it's understandable why the good people of Lincoln's Land wouldn't want their governor to fill the same seat he just put up on EBay. But, what are you going to do? You're running out of time. We strongly urge the people of Illinois to find some useful, expedient criteria to fill that vacancy. I suggest nepotism. After all, it's not as though Illinois politics is unfamiliar with that concept.

Many would then suggest that Blagojevich give the Senate seat to Jesse Jackson, Jr. His is definitely the most recognizable name in the game. However, he'll more than likely lose re-election in 2010 (which was why he was not on Obama's short list). Therefore, it is time for bold action, imaginative problem-solving. It is time to think outside the box. It is time to select Jeri Ryan as Illinois' junior U.S. Senator!

At first, you may scoff, but there are very good reasons for Blago to choose the woman:

1) Like Caroline Kennedy and Sarah Palin, Jeri Ryan is a mother;

2) As the former wife of Republican pol, Jack Ryan, Jeri is no stranger to Illinois politics;

3) As the former wife of Republican pol, Jack Ryan, Jeri is no stranger to international sleaze--as her ex-hubby kept taking her to sex clubs in New Orleans, New York, and Paris;

4) This Northwestern grad is no carpet bagger, and her Theater degree suits her perfectly in our media-saturated political world (she even played Sen. Lafe Smith in Advise and Consent her sophomore year);

5) Being half-human and half-Borg, Ryan has the perfect balance between logic and compassion and understands the political need to obliterate one's opponents with cold, calculating ruthlessness;

6) As a former teacher in one of Boston's most melodramatic city high schools, Ryan has faced and understands the challenges our nation's children and schools encounter every day: drugs, gangs, premarital sex, teen pregnancy, social promotion, and, knowing David R. Kelley, transgender-anorexic-bestial-sex with neurotic goats;

7) As the former wife of Republican pol, Jack Ryan, she is owed way too much by Obama. If it hadn't been for the Ryans' sex scandal, Obama wouldn't have had such an easy road (Alan Keyes) to the Senate and would've come nowhere close to the Presidency. An adept pol like Jeri Ryan can use that fact as leverage to get Illinois the pork it needs in these hard, economic times;

8) And while we cannot vow for Jeri Ryan's integrity, we do know that, as Senator, Ms. Ryan will not be performing live sex acts on stage in either America or Europe. And that's the kind of decency we Americans deserve from our politicians.

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