Bad Hair Week

This has been a rough week for the awkward coif. As a natty dread, I feel I am not entitled to criticize another person's do, but, after all the trials and tribulations these three men have suffered, you gotta wonder if all this could've been avoided if they just would've gotten a better haircut.


Timothy "Eraserhead" Geithner

The new Treasury Secretary got an EZ-Pass with the Senate. Despite what he said, come on, dude, we know that your not paying your taxes wasn't a "mistake." You just didn't feel like paying them. Linda Chavez had to withdraw her nomination for Secretary of Labor for paying her illegal alien domestic. Zoe Baird's bid for Attorney General went up in flames for the same, exact reason. But Geithner's domestic problems were easily glossed over. All because the Big Brother wants him. "Tim's work and the work of the entire Treasury Department must begin at once. We cannot lose a day because every day the economic picture is darkening here and across the globe." Boy, I sure hope you're right, Mr. President (I still like calling him that). To me, Geithner's spent too much time cozying up to the fat cats at the Free Market Kool-Aid Kocktail Party, and, while he's temporarily escaped Jonestown and is talking bookoo smack against his former fellow acolytes, I betcha he's got a return ticket to Guyana in his back pocket.



"Afrolistic" Al Franken

Franken thought he won the Minnesota Senate seat. He thought he beat Norm Coleman in the run-off. But apparently Senator Coleman doesn't feel taht way, and what has to be the longest Senatorial election in US history is going to court. I mean, sure, the Minnesota Election Board kept counting until their boy, Franken, finally won; yeah, in the issue of fairness, there really should've just been a run-off election; but hey, that's just politics. Coleman's a politician. He should understand that. Instead, he's become a sore loser of Mike Holmgren proportions, blaming the refs knowing damned well his team got its ass kicked. You were the champ, Norm. It shouldn't even have been close--especially against a satirist who's joked about internet child pornography. You got into a recount against this guy?! Buddy, you already lost. Just take your ass-kickin' like a man and walk off the field. Or are you hoping that Antonin Scalia resides over the Minnesota Supreme Court, too?



Rod "Cowpadour" Blagojevich

As it stands now, all you're guilty of is being caught on tape. While being executed in the court of public opinion (I admit, I was one of your--more humorous?--judges), you've given the good fight. I've actually found your classic-movie-quoting ass fun. And, boy, that corrupt ass also has gumption. And you've been right. The US Senate had no right to diss your nominee to replace Obama, Roland Burriss, the way they did. They threatened to never seat him. They threw an incredibly embarrassing hissy fit. But you stood your dirty ground, and, because you were right, Illinois now has its third black Senator in 16 years (though I'm sure that won't last long). Rod, buddy, this country was built on gumption and corruption. I thought you might just survive this whole fiasco--well, at least until Patrick Fitzgerald nailed you to the wall. You've been convicted of nothing, and our legal system is built on the presumption of innocence until proven guilty. Your impeachment trial was a kangaroo court (right again!) and a perversion of justice. One Senator actually complained that you didn't prove your innocence. So, he voted to convict. Apparently, the sanctimonious Senator hadn't read his Constitution of late. Neither did the rest of his colleagues. So, you've been ousted and doomed to become a quirky, little footnote in the annals of history. Oh, well. It was fun while it lasted. But fear not, Blago. No one before you has ever had the daring to rock the cowlick and pompadour simultaneously. I am sure your bold styling choices will be all the rage in Paris and Milan in no time flat.



And now, to all my brothers out there who have know how to rock with and rock the horrible haircut, a message from your leader:



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Showin' They Asses Award -- January 2009 Edition

Yeah, a lot of us out there just handed the Democrats a sweeping victory in the hopes that they'd "change the way things are done in Washington." We had high hopes that things would indeed change and that the quagmire we find ourselves in would be drained, and America would have a brighter tomorrow.

Though not a big fan of the Democrats myself (since I worked for them back in '91), I too am hopeful, but this last Rod Blagojevic/Roland Burris fiasco has got me more than a little concerned. The Dems knew they didn't have a leg to stand on, knew they were going to seat the brother in the Senate; yet it seems that they tripped over each other to show their asses and show themselves to be asses during the whole debacle.

Thank goodness, it'll all be over tomorrow. Burris will be getting Obama's Senate seat. The whole episode was political theater at its worst. We all knew the eventual outcome but were forced to watch the absurdist drama to the bitter end. The whole thing deserves a Tony, but all we've got here at Tome is the Showin' They Asses Award.

I'm hoping that this prestigious honor will not be handed out on a monthly basis. But one's gotta wonder about these Democrats. Are they really going to squander the historical opportunity America has given them? Are they just going to piss it all away, drive up the deficit, and have us all scrambling for good, hard currency--you know, the yuan?

It's hard to say, but now I'm starting to understand why the Dems have chosen the animal they have for their mascot.

Here were the finalists for the Showin' They Asses Award for January 2009:



5. Illinois Secretary of State Jesse White
First, Brother Jesse here acts all high-and-mighty, defiant in the face of the evil, evil Governor. He could not "in good conscience" sign off on any appointment made by said evil, evil guy. Then Harry Reid and those mighty, mighty Senators hide behind White's skirts, saying that Burris' credentials needed Blago's and the Secretary of State's signatures. Suddenly, White's the victim in all this. "They all said that he should stand down and that no one should accept his appointment. . . [Now] they leave me holding the bag . . . I've been put in a wheelchair and thrown down four flights of stairs." Then he was like, why are you looking at me? They don't need my signature. It's mainly ceremony, anyway. OK, while the Illinois Supreme Court did concur with this wuss tactic, if your signature didn't mean anything why didn't you just sign off in the first place? Why couldn't you just be the man of principle you were passing yourself off to be instead of just passing the buck?



4. Gov. Rod Blagojevich
I kinda hate doggin' the man. I've already made the obligatory jokes about his hair, and he has enough problems as it is. Besides, though he's corrupt yadda yadda, I kinda like how he gave the ultimate Up Yours to his national party. The man will not go without a fight. Federal corruption charges be damned! And this man fights dirty. Knowing damned well why the Senate didn't want to seat Burris, you played that funky race card, white boy with such ease and deadly accuracy, they need to start calling you Bullseye. Accusing Reid of racism, saying he rejected all your suggested black candidates and would only accept the white ones, left the Senate Majority Leader utterly eviscerated. He was left stammering and stuttering on Meet the Press: "Jesse Jackson Jr. is somebody that I think would be a good senator. And for Blagojevich to start throwing out these names of people who I wanted and didn't want ... He's making it up." As I said, I don't know whether to laud you or vilify you, but you definitely showed your ass, Corruptissus Maximus.



3. US Congressman Bobby Rush
In this "post-racial" world, this ex-Panther wanted to show that that ol' Race Dog still had some bite. And Rush bit the big one on Day 1: "Let me just remind you that there presently is no African-American in the U.S. Senate. I will ask you to not hang and lynch the appointee as you try to castigate the appointer. I don't think that anyone -- any U.S. senator who's sitting in the Senate right now -- wants to go on record to deny one African-American for being seated in the U.S. Senate." On Day 2, the damned mutt went rabid with Rush comparing Reid to such legendary racists and anti-integrationists Orval Faubus, George Wallace and Bull Connor.



And then he went even further on Larry King talking about how there are 4 Latinos, 2 Asians, 11 women, and a gotdamned schnauzer in the US Senate, yet no bruthas! I think he went on to call King "honky," I'm not sure. Funny, he never once mentioned the corruption charges against Blago, about how he's on tape trying to sell the Senate seat, and how that might cast some sort of cloud over Burris' legitimacy. Nope, it was all about race. Who needs new tricks when you still think the old ones work so well?

(Author's Note: OK, the above pictures aren't actually of the Chicago congressman Bobby Rush, but the old blues man, Bobby Rush, performing in Chicago. It's just that the picture makes me wonder why they give rappers so much shit. That, and what exactly did he want the young woman's ass to say?)



2. Sen. Harry Reid
Wow, talk about playing yourself for an ass. Just like Brutha Jesse above, you were trying to be all high-and-mighty, etc. You were trying to act like this was all a matter of justice and respect for the law and anti-corruption. But nobody was fooled. You weren't being the paragon of virtue. You just didn't want to lose that Senate seat to Republicans in 2010. Now, you just look like an ass. Blago painted you as a racist who would never accept a black man as a fellow Senator. You painted yourself as a racist, denying Burris entrance into the Senate. You might as well just yelled out, "Segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever!!!"


And the Winner Is....

Roland Burris



Look, I was raised right. I want to respect my older generation. I want to give them their propers. We owe them a lot. If it weren't for brothers like Roland Burris, we wouldn't have a Barack Obama today.

But, damn, man, show some pride. I know you wanted to be a US Senator "in the worst way." Did you actually have to go that route, though? That whole Hoke bullshit you pulled in front of the Senate: "Gee, Miss Daisy, I don' rightly knows why dem mean ole white folkses wudn't let me in. I din't do nuffim." I mean, shit, Stepin Fetchit died in 1985, blood! And to let Blagojevich, The Man use you so shamelessly ... I just ... I ... I ...

Here, just take the award. You deserve it.

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Decisions Made E-Z

In these historically catastrophic times, we need bold, decisive leadership. The world needs people who are unafraid to take the reins and lead us out of the darkness. We need imaginative heroes who will not blink when ... at least filling Illinois' and New York's vacant Senate seats.

After this historic year and election, after all the soaring rhetoric and braggadocio, we at Tome have come to realize that our politicians are still full of it, mealy-mouthed, and, at best, mediocre. And, because of these glaring facts, we do not understand why it is not glaringly obvious that New York's and Illinois' politicians simply do not resort to the greatest tool mediocrity has ever known: nepotism.


New York's case is so incestuous it's simple. Governor David Paterson, son of a former state senator and New York secretary of state, must fill Hillary Clinton's Senate seat (who got it because her hubby was POTUS) with either (as conventional wisdom would have it) Andrew Cuomo, the current state's attorney general, or Caroline Kennedy, the ... uh ... Kennedy. Andrew's argument is that his father was governor and that his brother, Chris, is one hot dude. His dad could give a pretty mean speech. As far as Chris goes, I don't know. I'm still obsessed with the fact that the Today Show's Lester Holt is the only man in African-American history without lips.

But, if we're talking simple pedigree here, you've got to go with Caroline. Her uncle Ted's now being called "The Lion of the Senate," and he's about to kick the bucket; her uncle Bobby held the same Senate seat; her father was JFK, for godsakes; and every one of Caroline's cousins who isn't in rehab has held some sort of public office. If W. could win the Presidency just on the laurels of his father's mediocrity, isn't Caroline due at least a Senate seat--if not the Presidency, or at least the Papacy?!

I'm sure Gov. Paterson knows this. I'm almost certain he'll do the right thing and choose Caroline Kennedy.

Now, Illinois' seat is definitely a bit trickier, what with Gov. Cowpadour (get it?) on tape trying to sell the vacancy. For awhile there, it looked like Blagojevich was headin' to the slammer. Everybody was crying out for his blood. His own attorney general has been hacking away. But now things look a little murky. Blago refuses to step down. People are now doubting he can be impeached. They're even starting to wonder if the man can actually be charged with anything at all. The only thing that is known right now is that Illinois has a vacant Senate seat.

Of course, it's understandable why the good people of Lincoln's Land wouldn't want their governor to fill the same seat he just put up on EBay. But, what are you going to do? You're running out of time. We strongly urge the people of Illinois to find some useful, expedient criteria to fill that vacancy. I suggest nepotism. After all, it's not as though Illinois politics is unfamiliar with that concept.

Many would then suggest that Blagojevich give the Senate seat to Jesse Jackson, Jr. His is definitely the most recognizable name in the game. However, he'll more than likely lose re-election in 2010 (which was why he was not on Obama's short list). Therefore, it is time for bold action, imaginative problem-solving. It is time to think outside the box. It is time to select Jeri Ryan as Illinois' junior U.S. Senator!


At first, you may scoff, but there are very good reasons for Blago to choose the woman:

1) Like Caroline Kennedy and Sarah Palin, Jeri Ryan is a mother;

2) As the former wife of Republican pol, Jack Ryan, Jeri is no stranger to Illinois politics;

3) As the former wife of Republican pol, Jack Ryan, Jeri is no stranger to international sleaze--as her ex-hubby kept taking her to sex clubs in New Orleans, New York, and Paris;

4) This Northwestern grad is no carpet bagger, and her Theater degree suits her perfectly in our media-saturated political world (she even played Sen. Lafe Smith in Advise and Consent her sophomore year);

5) Being half-human and half-Borg, Ryan has the perfect balance between logic and compassion and understands the political need to obliterate one's opponents with cold, calculating ruthlessness;

6) As a former teacher in one of Boston's most melodramatic city high schools, Ryan has faced and understands the challenges our nation's children and schools encounter every day: drugs, gangs, premarital sex, teen pregnancy, social promotion, and, knowing David R. Kelley, transgender-anorexic-bestial-sex with neurotic goats;

7) As the former wife of Republican pol, Jack Ryan, she is owed way too much by Obama. If it hadn't been for the Ryans' sex scandal, Obama wouldn't have had such an easy road (Alan Keyes) to the Senate and would've come nowhere close to the Presidency. An adept pol like Jeri Ryan can use that fact as leverage to get Illinois the pork it needs in these hard, economic times;

8) And while we cannot vow for Jeri Ryan's integrity, we do know that, as Senator, Ms. Ryan will not be performing live sex acts on stage in either America or Europe. And that's the kind of decency we Americans deserve from our politicians.

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The Rod Blagojevich Video of the Day

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