A Big Kiss on the Mouth

It's hard to believe it's already been a week, and still it seems like the election was a lifetime ago. While the honeymoon is still on and folks are still dancing on the street, I wanted to thank the people who made the election of Barack Obama possible with a wet, sloppy, big kiss on the mouth:


W.: I've hated you for almost a decade now. I still think you are perhaps the most dangerous president in U.S. history. Thank God for term limits! However, you have left this country so depressed, so devastated that folks were desperate enough to vote a black man into the presidency. None of this would've happened without you. Though I hate you and wish you were never president, I want you to pucker up and get ready for some lovin'.

Howard Dean: They thought you were crazy back in '04, and the press had a field day torpedoing your campaign. When you started talking about a 50-state strategy while Rove was talking about a permanent Republican majority, the powers that be were ready to throw you into the loony bin. Howard, you is crazy. Crazy like a fox! You got the Dems a majority in the House and Senate, and Obama took some pretty alabaster/red states. You're a mad genius, my man.

John McCain: Look, man, history was against you. The only wild card was race, and America, for the moment, has proven that green is a hell of a lot more important than black. But you really didn't help yourself out at all. You were so inconsistent, so mercurial, so "erratic," you started making Maverick look like Mad Cow. I love you, man.

Joe the Plumber oops, sorry, this is Steve Schmidt: Dude, you have got to be one of the worst campaign managers ever to stain our sheets. Convincing your candidate to run towards the base when your base's numbers are at historic lows was pretty brilliant. Oh, and that suspension of the campaign. While I don't think Joe Lieberman would've been a good VP candidate for McCain ... Sarah Palin?! Dude, you're a fucking joke. And looking at you, I can see why there was all that hateful "other" speak coming out of the GOP this campaign season.

Bill Kristol: While you're no Billy Crystal, you're becoming a bigger fucking joke every day. You were a part of that neocon cabal that gave us this latest Iraq war. Way to go, buddy. And some have it that you were the driving force behind Sarah Palin's candidacy. It always seemed to me that your Saddam bluster was just to prove who had the bigger dick, and now it seems you let that same organ point you towards Palin. Your "ideas" and "thoughts" are so intellectually bankrupt, it's amazing you still have a job. But I doubt that the conservatives are going to let you go. So, I have a feeling that you're going to remain a gift that keeps on giving. All right, Mr. Yukmouth, how's about a little kiss?

Brother Jesse: I know you've been getting slammed this year. Even your own son told you to "keep hope alive and shut the fuck up." (OK, he didn't say that exactly, but wouldn't that have been funny?) But I'm giving you mega props for the political genius you truly are. You know a lot of conservatives, etc., hate your black ass. So, while you've been an Obama supporter since he ran against Bobby Rush back in 2000, you stayed quiet during the primaries, knowing your support would hurt the man. Then, to give Barack an extra little push during the general election, you go on national TV threatening to castrate the young buck. A brilliant utilization of "the enemy of my enemy..." Machiavelli would be proud. I love you so much ... well, if you don't know what I'd do, just look at the title of this post.

David Axelrod: With Barack and Deval Patrick under your belt, I guess I need to start calling you Branch Rickey. But I doubt the Dodgers' GM ever looked so sexy in leather.

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton: Yes, I'm also surprised I now feel this way for you. I know I've thought and said some pretty mean things about you during the primaries. I wanted you to quit, I wanted you to shut the fuck up. But I was wrong. Your "kitchen sink" strategy (throwing everything at the brother from the madrassa email, the Izod jihadi photo, Jeremiah Wright, Tony Rezko, to Bill Ayres) sounded as hollow as a tin cup by the time the Republicans tried using it. And your 50-state primary running all the way to June though you were really out of it by March established Obama offices all over the country. Without the infrastructure you forced on him, making him campaign heavily almost everywhere, I doubt Obama would've won Ohio and Indiana. So, please forgive me.

Sarah Palin: You had folks scared (not me, though). You were supposed to appeal to Hillary supporters, moderates, independents, women of all shapes and sizes. Instead, you became a shrill joke who was imminently unqualified, a virtual hate monger whose rallies started looking like Nuremberg '39, and a $150,000 embarrassment. I don't think I've loved a complete stranger more than I have loved you.

Oh wait a second. Yes, I have.

Jennifer Lopez: Despite it all--all the bad relationships, the bad publicity, the bad movies, and the singularly atrocious music--I still think it would be nice to besa this Boricua boca.