Wednesday, June 24, 2009

F*ck American!

In these troubling economic times when so many American institutions and multinational corporations are failing or are on the brink of disaster, we Americans have been called upon by our government to scrimp, save, and sacrifice in order to save our country. Hundreds of billions of our tax dollars have gone into saving American International Group, Inc., Bank of America, and other strong, red-white-and-blue companies. Tens of billions of gone into American stalwarts, General Motors and Chrysler. In return, we are being asked not to horde our riches in off-shore bank accounts, to abandon our dreams of a Toyota Prius and buy GM's new K(rap) car. We are being asked to no longer get our funky furniture at Ikea and spend our dollars at Wal-Mart. And our telemarketers are asking to no longer set up shop in India and Vietnam and hire good, hard-working American prisoners like they used to do in the '90s.

In other words, we are all being asked to sacrifice our convenience, common sense, and general good taste in order to save what is left of the grand, old U.S. of A! In order to save our country, we must invest in our country! We must all BUY AMERICAN!!!

That is why it is such a disappointment to find out that the Republican governor of South Carolina (an American state if ever there was one), Mark Sanford, not only left his wife and four children on Father's Day weekend to carry on with an affair, but he also left the country and the whole damned continent of North America!

Why, Mark? Why?

We already know with your turning down the part of the stimulus money that would've extended unemployment benefits, that you are perfectly willing to screw your fellow South Carolinians. You couldn't find it in your heart to take it to one of those fine, southern belles down in Charleston?

No, you had to go bonin' in Buenos Aires. I've heard they've got some of the best beef in the world down there, and the tango is pretty cool; but we've got some mighty fine heifers here in the States, and we're the home of the (ironically enough) Charleston, the Twist, and the motherfuckin' Superman Dance! You couldn't crank that?!

You couldn't have lied about Argentina and gone hiking in Appalachia instead? Are you telling me you couldn't do your patriotic duty and find a tawny, dark-haired beauty in the foothills of West Virginia? Sure, she might've gotten all Faye Dunaway/Chinatown on you--"She's my daughter! She's my sister!"--but hey, the rest of us are bailing out AIG!

And if Faye wouldn't have been to your liking, I'm sure there was some fine McCoy who would've complimented your "purdy mouth" and lovingly asked you to squeal like a pig.

Look, these are hard times. We need every man, woman, and child to sacrifice, to tighten their belts, and drop their pants for America! Why go down for some Argentinian tart when good ole American pie comes in every flavor a man can truly desire?!

Mark Sanford, you failed in your patriotic duty! And for that, we cannot forgive you! John Edwards did his! So did Elliot Spitzer! Even your fellow Republican John Ensign wrecked his political career on domestic shores!

So, listen here, all you philandering, so-called American politicians! No more fellatio in the Philippines! No more sodomy in Salzburg! No more bondage in Bandung! No more tea-bagging in Timbuktu! No more threesomes in Thrace! And absolutely, positively no, no, NO molestation in Managua!!!

From now on, you will do what is right for you, your family, and your country, and ...


1 comment:

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Technically the Argentinian woman is an American. She's south American.