Dear Hamid Karzai,
Look, I realize that you did not expressly ask for this job. Rummy and His Pentagon Playas heard your Northern Alliance warlord swing and liked the cut of your jib. I blame those bastards for a lot of crap but not this one. I mean, look atcha. You one sharp, mother. Who can resist that hat? That dome piece alone bought you four years of unscrutinized rule in my book.
Unfortunately for you, Hami, those four years have long been up, and people are starting to look. I know you didn't initially ask to be president of this Afghanistan shit storm, but you accepted the post and even ran for re-election. And now that we're looking, we see why.
You are one corrupt sumbitch. Now, with any drug economy comes corruption. Lord knows we have that here in America. That same Lord knows that America carries a lot of blame in Afghanistan's opium resurgence. The Taliban ruled the country with an iron fist and crushed opium production. Uncle Sam has ruled with their thumbs up their asses, and now poppy's got a brand new bag in your land. And I've heard that there have been times when you've wanted to get rid of an uber-corrupt bastard or two only to be overruled by the Bush Babees here in Washington.
So, I get it, you're a ruler over a divided land racked with poverty and violence and a wandering, objectiveless, endless war that's only gotten you more death, more poverty, and now a bustling drug trade that won't stop and will never get enough. If out of frustration or a need to do a little dirt and get paid doing it, I don't know if I'd mind your corrupt ass but so much. Even if you were just a petty, poppy potentate with your head stuck in a mound of coca, screaming, "Come and meet my little friend!" there'd be only so many shits I could possibly give. Except that ...
Except that I pay for this shit! In treasure and blood! And there's way too much shit I'm tired of paying for in the region. I'm tired of my tax dollars paying to support Egypt's and Saudi Arabia's dictatorships. I'm sick of our military pissing around and dying in your country and Iraq with apparetnly no other goal than occupation. I'm really tired of seeing all those Palestinian children dying with each Israeli incursion, screeching, "Your tax dollars at work!"
Now look, Hami, I don't blame you for most of this crap. Just like I don't blame you for how your brother's always rushing his customers out of his restaurant in B-more. (I mean, the food's good, and the food's expensive. Let a brother relax a bit while he gets his chomp on. If I wanted to be in and out in 40 minutes, I'd go to Burger King.) But I do blame your pilfering ass for the legalized marital rape you tried pulling last week.
Yeah, yeah, I know you've pulled back on instituting the law since the global outrage came tumbling around your ears. But talk about one of these most disgusting, barbaric ploys to get re-elected in the history of "democracy"!
What the fuck were you thinking?! Legalized rape?! And this repugnant law of yours has also "set the legal age for Shia girls to marry at nine, automatically stripped divorced mothers of custody as soon as girls turned two, and boys seven, and legalized 'family-style' polygamy, allowing husbands to wed their wives’ sisters and cousins."
Now, I know politicians do some disgusting shit while in power. But this one would make Attila the Hun blanch. You sick fuck! What won't you do to stay in power? I mean, I never expected "American-style" democracy to instantly take hold in Afghanistan. Hell, it took us some 750 years to get it right our damned selves. But I wasn't expecting our American tax dollars and our American women's and men's lives to be wasted on some cannibal who advocates marital rape and the pimping of nine-year-old girls.
It's time for you to go!
But in the meantime, I'd like for you to sit down to a steady diet of Armeys, boy. Don't worry. We'll make it all legal. No one wants to disrespect your hallowed office, now do we? So, we'll have us a little ceremony, invite guests, a Vermont preacher, enjoy a nice banquet (hell, your brother can even cater), and then you, my man, need to gits to munchin'!
Former Eat A Armey Award winners:
Sarah Palin and The Pips
Edward M. Liddy