Sunday, April 26, 2009

Things That Work!

If you're in a hurry to get from Point A to Point B, prudently ignore all red lights and stop signs that impede your progress--you know, all of them.

If you're short of cash, go through your parents' and/or co-workers' belongings until you find the required amount.

If you can no longer tolerate working with someone, carefully plant drugs in their desk, locker, automobile, etc., and instantly notify either your employer or the authorities. The resulting embarrassment and possible criminal prosecution will force this person to terminate their own employment--if your employer has not already done so for them.

If you meet someone at a party, bar, or club you're interested in but are afraid they will not accept your sexual advances, carefully place a dose of Rohypnol ("roofie") into their drink. No doubt, they will soon be going home with you.

If you are tired of arguing with your partner over such triflings as the tardiness of your dinner, kindly go upside their head a few times or until your partner is no longer "needin' it." Not only will dinner be served in a prompt and timely manner, but your partner will more likely become more accommodating in the sexual arena as well.

Similarly, if you find yourself with an impertinent child, we have found that a riding crop to the hindquarters is not only good for horses. Your child will climb to new heights of obedience with only a few, well-placed thwacks.

We here at Tome have decided that it is utterly futile to argue with the Right over the effectiveness of the Bush administration's "enhanced interrogation techniques." And since their effectiveness seems to be the only thing we should even be considering with the EITs, we have decided to utilize the effectiveness argument in other aspects of our own lives (see above). Also, knowing that the CIA got the idea for waterboarding from the Khmer "Killing Fields" Rouge, we've looked into other highly effective techniques that our United States government may want to consider when next interrogating a terror suspect.

The Rack

The rack enjoyed centuries of popularity in Europe from the Tower of London to the Spanish auto da fe. Stretching the victim across its wooden frame, interrogators can then fasten the suspect's legs to one roller while chaining the wrists at the other end of the device. While interrogating the suspect, the interrogator can ratchet up the chain's tension, causing what some have called "excruciating pain." However, one must be careful. During interrogation, some suspects have been known to have their muscles and joints dislocated and separated. Cartilage, ligaments, and bones have also been known to snap. As with the other methods we find most effective, we strongly suggest a physician be present during one's interrogations.


During World War II, the Japanese Imperial Army was known for shoving bamboo splints underneath a suspect's fingernails.

Electric Shock

During the 1960s and 1970s, Brazil's military junta was known for attaching electrical wires to a suspect's genitalia and delivering shocks during interrogations.


While rape has always been considered an effective weapon in war, we are certain that the CIA can modify this technique to serve their purposes during interrogation. The raping of entire villages and towns was reported frequently during the Bosnian conflict. However, in the Congo, rebels have been noted to not only rape entire villages but have the villages' family members rape each other. As noted by Liz Cheney, if a physician is present while these techniques are being utilized, it will not be considered rape.

We feel that the Right is correct in stating that techniques such as waterboarding are, indeed, effective. However, we also feel that, if our forces only criterion for any technique's being utilized is its effectiveness, our CIA should consider employing our own suggestions above as well as any other techniques they may find scanning the annals of interrogation methods. We are most certain that other beacons of security such as the Taliban, the Pakistani ISI, the Saudis, or the Syrians have a lot to teach us about "enhanced interrogation techniques." We should not quibble over other, frivolous matters. It is only our safety that is of concern in this "torture memo" debate. Therefore, use these methods, use any methods you find effective. They will not only keep us Americans safe, but it will make us all proud to be American.

You Barbaric Fuckers.

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