Project P.O.P. (Political Operative Poohbutt)

She came like a thief in the night—well, actually, like a toddler being wheeled around in a polka dot stroller wearing a pink hoodie in the middle of the day—it was slightly overcast, though. Through the blood, the sweat, and the tears (diaper changes can be harrowing), she appeared—grim and determined. She had to save the day.

Liberty was in peril. Good, patriotic Americans were being exploited. Children, endangered. Cattle, raped. Someone had to stop the madness. So, the good people of East Bumble, VA, called on their last, best hope: Poohbutt.

A small, college hamlet nestled comfortably within the Shenandoah Valley, East Bumble’s going through some hard times. Greedy, fat-cat land speculators are gorging themselves on the public trough. They hold these good townsfolk hostage with their shady land deals and Repugnantcan tax breaks! tax breaks! TAX BREAKS!!!

Schools go without books. The police are reduced to pea shooters. And the fire department just held a bake sale to buy a new garden hose. All the while, the robber barons and their Repugnantcan cronies get fatter and fatter on the money that should be funding the local orphanage.

Only Poohbutt’s grandfather, Grandpoo, and his valiant partner, Slingin’ Sammy, can save the day. But they need help. They suffer ruthless, vile, and vicious attacks daily. Hoodlums haunt their doorsteps, and their email boxes are flooded with spam. In utter desperation, they initiated Project P.O.P.

Poohbutt immediately swept in, no questions asked, dragging along her trusty sidekick, Pop (who frankly doesn’t feel the same genetic obligations as P.O.P. and, though poor now, can always win the lottery; and therefore feels that the government should get off our backs and cut all the taxes for the rich—cause he may one day be one of those … rich and like hell you’ll get his hard-earned money—even if it means running up huge deficits, selling government airplanes on Ebay, being literally owned by China, and mortgaging away his, Poohbutt’s, and Poohbutt’s grandchildren’s futures away—can I get an “Amen,” people?!). This courageous duo has scoured East Bumble, knocking on every door, being immensely adorable (well, P.O.P. has), bringing freedom and democracy, and slowly wresting liberty from the gnarled, despotic clutches of those dastardly Repugnantcans.

But there is still a lot of work to do until Tuesday night, people. More doors to knock on, more pamphlets to hand out, more freedom to let ring. East Bumble … all of America … will soon be free. P.O.P. and Pop are doing their part. How about you?