Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Duncan Hunter: "I Had Gay Marine Monkey Sex in Iraq!"

With the Republican Party's mounting a campaign against the Obama administration's proposed repeal of the military's Don't Ask Don't Tell policy, banning homosexuals from openly serving in the armed forces, the GOP has suffered a setback today from which many experts believe they may not recover. Less than 24 hours after Republican Congressman and Iraq War veteran Duncan D. Hunter has publicly come out against DADT, a man from his past, Iraqi national Abdullah Abdullah Jax, has come out with some startling revelations of his own about the ex-Marine artillery officer.

This morning Jax contacted the Tome offices, claiming he had a "sex tape" involving Hunter with many in his former Marine unit. We, of course, turned Jax away as a crank. However, upon receipt of an emailed video file, we were so disturbed, we realized that we had to contact Rep. Hunter immediately for clarification.

Rep. Hunter originally started off with the same attack he waged against DADT yesterday, claiming that "openly homosexual" and "transgender" soldiers threatened "unit cohesion" among our armed forces.

"People serve in close, close, very close quarters in the military," Hunter informed. "We can't disturb that hot, sweaty closeness with openly gay soldiers getting in the middle of all that."

"But there has always been homosexual activity in the military. Songs have been written about it."

"Personally, I prefer 'YMCA,'" Duncan countered icily.

"Some have even said that you have participated in such activity during your service in Iraq."

"Ridiculous!" Hunter yelled. "Look at my website! I'm all about God! Family! Country!"

"Abdullah Abdullah Jax," I interrupted.


"We have the video, Congressman."

More silence.

"Is it true, Congressman," I asked, "that your nickname after Fallujah was 'Dick-In Hunter?"

Suddenly, the California Congressman started blubbering on the other line.

"I know that cross-dressing doesn't mean one is transgender, but a burqa, Congressman?"

"OK! It's true! It's true!" he screeched. "I had gay Marine monkey sex in Iraq!"

"So, that video is true?" I asked.

"Yes, yes. It's all true," Hunter continued, composing himself. "Fallujah was a long, hard battle, Campbell. Long ... and hard. We'd lost a lot of good men in that battle. Good, rock-hard, patriotic, Amercian men.

"My men were dispirited and dirty and fatigued. Those patriots. Those hard, chiseled men--with bodies like Adonises needed their spirits lifted. They needed their LT. Don't you understand?"

"Uh ... I guess not, Congressman."

"Well, they did. So, after the battle, when we were back in the Green Zone and my men were showering, I knew what I had to do.

"So, while they were showering with all that hot, hot water, I put on a burqa and entered that hot and steamy shower. It was soooo steamy. And hot. All those young, hot, hard bodies just glistened in all that hot, steamy water. The soap just clung to every bulging, rock-hard muscle! And I did it. I gave myself to my men.

"I'm a Christian, ya know. It's on my website. And the whole thing--it wasn't gay. It was all very Christ-like. I did what Jesus would've done. I gave those hungry, young boys my body to feed off of. I didn't give them my blood exactly. But I did give them my other precious bodily fluids. I think God was proud of me that day.

"As I said, it wasn't gay. No, not at all. And definitely not openly gay. It was more like a Christian service, really. I enjoyed none of it. Not really. I didn't even cum twice that time. Or any of the other times, to be honest."

"How many other times were there, Congressman?"

"Between 2003 and 2005? Oh, at least forty."

We immediately contacted House Minority leader Rep. John Boehner for comment on these recent revelations.

"Rep. Hunter is a fine, young, patriotic American, who has dedicated his life to the service of his country," Boehner responded. "If he felt the need to service the men in his unit, it was only for the good of this country. As long as he didn't do so openly, I am fine with it."

"There's a video, Congressman," I informed.

"Oooh, really?!" Boehner squealed. "Tell me about it!"

I proceeded to tell the Congressman, but our phone connection must've been bad. He constantly requested that I slow down in my descriptions, and he asked me to repeat several details over and over again. Oddly, towards the end of my tale, Rep. Boehner insisted that I speed up the narrative and again asked that I repeat several details--just more quickly.

"Yes!" he finally ejaculated. "Could you make two copies of this--this disgusting, disgusting video. Sen. Graham and I may just have to open a probe into Congressman Hunter."

"Into his activities?" I asked.

"Sure," Boehner breathlessly agreed. "What you said."

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