Eat A Armey Award: Hamid Karzai

Dear Hamid Karzai,

Look, I realize that you did not expressly ask for this job. Rummy and His Pentagon Playas heard your Northern Alliance warlord swing and liked the cut of your jib. I blame those bastards for a lot of crap but not this one. I mean, look atcha. You one sharp, mother. Who can resist that hat? That dome piece alone bought you four years of unscrutinized rule in my book.

Unfortunately for you, Hami, those four years have long been up, and people are starting to look. I know you didn't initially ask to be president of this Afghanistan shit storm, but you accepted the post and even ran for re-election. And now that we're looking, we see why.

You are one corrupt sumbitch. Now, with any drug economy comes corruption. Lord knows we have that here in America. That same Lord knows that America carries a lot of blame in Afghanistan's opium resurgence. The Taliban ruled the country with an iron fist and crushed opium production. Uncle Sam has ruled with their thumbs up their asses, and now poppy's got a brand new bag in your land. And I've heard that there have been times when you've wanted to get rid of an uber-corrupt bastard or two only to be overruled by the Bush Babees here in Washington.

So, I get it, you're a ruler over a divided land racked with poverty and violence and a wandering, objectiveless, endless war that's only gotten you more death, more poverty, and now a bustling drug trade that won't stop and will never get enough. If out of frustration or a need to do a little dirt and get paid doing it, I don't know if I'd mind your corrupt ass but so much. Even if you were just a petty, poppy potentate with your head stuck in a mound of coca, screaming, "Come and meet my little friend!" there'd be only so many shits I could possibly give. Except that ...

Except that I pay for this shit! In treasure and blood! And there's way too much shit I'm tired of paying for in the region. I'm tired of my tax dollars paying to support Egypt's and Saudi Arabia's dictatorships. I'm sick of our military pissing around and dying in your country and Iraq with apparetnly no other goal than occupation. I'm really tired of seeing all those Palestinian children dying with each Israeli incursion, screeching, "Your tax dollars at work!"

Now look, Hami, I don't blame you for most of this crap. Just like I don't blame you for how your brother's always rushing his customers out of his restaurant in B-more. (I mean, the food's good, and the food's expensive. Let a brother relax a bit while he gets his chomp on. If I wanted to be in and out in 40 minutes, I'd go to Burger King.) But I do blame your pilfering ass for the legalized marital rape you tried pulling last week.

Yeah, yeah, I know you've pulled back on instituting the law since the global outrage came tumbling around your ears. But talk about one of these most disgusting, barbaric ploys to get re-elected in the history of "democracy"!

What the fuck were you thinking?! Legalized rape?! And this repugnant law of yours has also "set the legal age for Shia girls to marry at nine, automatically stripped divorced mothers of custody as soon as girls turned two, and boys seven, and legalized 'family-style' polygamy, allowing husbands to wed their wives’ sisters and cousins."

Now, I know politicians do some disgusting shit while in power. But this one would make Attila the Hun blanch. You sick fuck! What won't you do to stay in power? I mean, I never expected "American-style" democracy to instantly take hold in Afghanistan. Hell, it took us some 750 years to get it right our damned selves. But I wasn't expecting our American tax dollars and our American women's and men's lives to be wasted on some cannibal who advocates marital rape and the pimping of nine-year-old girls.

It's time for you to go!

But in the meantime, I'd like for you to sit down to a steady diet of Armeys, boy. Don't worry. We'll make it all legal. No one wants to disrespect your hallowed office, now do we? So, we'll have us a little ceremony, invite guests, a Vermont preacher, enjoy a nice banquet (hell, your brother can even cater), and then you, my man, need to gits to munchin'!


Former Eat A Armey Award winners:

Sarah Palin and The Pips
Edward M. Liddy
Michelle Malkin

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Eat A Armey Award: Sarah Palin and the Pips

In honor of everyone's favorite Dick, former Congressman from Texas, House Majority Leader, and "Republican Revolutionary," Dick Armey, I announce my third, weekly Eat A Armey Award, for the public luminary who's being an especial jackhole the previous week.


This one's a group gobbler.




Sarah Palin and the Pips



Singing the same old, tired doo wop of "the dangers of deficit spending," Sarah Palin and the Pips (Haley Barbour, Rick Perry, Mark Sanford, and castrato Bobby Jindal) are flooding the airwaves with their retread miss, "Fiscal Conservativism." The tune has changed and has been remixed several times over the past few years, but, no matter how hard they try, this song seems to be perpetually off-key and is currently falling on deaf ears.

For those of you who haven't heard, Palin and these other Republican governors have decided to reject parts of the federal stimulus package going to their states. A few were originally contemplating rejecting all their state's funds but realized that would be political suicide. And, since this is all really about positioning themselves for the GOP presidential nomination in '12, nobody's been willing to fall on tier swords on "principle" just yet.

Even with this supposed compromise, Palin, Perry, Sanford, Jindal, and Barbour are going hoarse, screeching about their "conservative principles," "Trojan horses," and the Peloponessian War, for that matter. Barbour says he'll reject $56 million; Jindal, $98 million; Palin, $288 million; Perry, $566 million; and, after the White House rejected his ploy to use the money to pay off state debts, Mark Sanford claims he'll reject a whopping $700 million.

But what is the moral this GOP Greek chorus trying to sing? What exactly are these "principles" they're droning on and on about? Why are they only rejecting part of the stimulus package and not the whole thing? What part of it has their togas in a wad?

Why, unemployment benefits, of course.

Oompah!

They claim that the federal government's trying to stealthily change their states' unemployment compensation laws by extending the benefit to those seeking part-time as opposed to full-time employment. Their principles (I'm guessing those old shibboleths, "state's rights" and "welfare cheats") tell them that they don't want to reward people who are "unwilling" to seek full-time employment. Those same principles ignore the fact that most service employers refuse to off full-time employment. But what does principle have to do with reality?

Of course, in the face of the economic crisis we're currently facing (much of it brought on by their principled Republican cohorts), this all begs the question: Who gives a fuck? Hundreds of thousands of people are being laid off monthly; Sanford's own South Carolina has the second highest unemployment rate in the country; and your "principles" are suddenly telling you to screw the ones who are most fucked by this economy. Yeah, I understand principles--not yours--but the principle of having principles. But principles are supposed to guide governance--not dictate it. As Pennsylvania governor, Ed Rendell, says:

"How do you sit across the table from a part-time worker working three part-time jobs, doing his best to keep his family afloat, didn't get health care, didn't get anything for it, all three of his jobs collapsing? What does that make you? Does that make you a good Christian?"

No, Ed, this whole song-and-dance doesn't make Palin and the Pips good Christians. It makes them good Republicans. Because none of these pols care about the suffering in 2009. They're looking at their prospects in 2012. And when that time comes, they won't point to the people they helped starve. They'll talk about how they stood up to "big, bad Washington"; how they wouldn't give in to "welfare cheats"; and that you'd have to pry "fiscal responsibility" from their cold, dead hands.

But it's all a charade, a complex lip-synch routine replete with Solid Gold dancers, a "live studio" audience, canned applause, and a Top Ten chart that has nothing to do with reality ("Kill that metaphor, Bill! Kill it!"). Because while they rail against Washington and welfare, four of these governors are some of the biggest "welfare queens" this country's got.

Each one of their states (except for Rick Perry's Texas) receives more in federal money than they pay in federal taxes. South Carolina gets $1.35 for every dollar sent to Washington; Louisiana ranks fourth, receiving $1.78 for every Washington; Alaska's three ($1.84/$1); and Mississippi is number two, receiving a whopping $2.02 for every dollar sent in federal taxes.

So yes, my Four Tops, this is the same, old song. We've heard Republicans talk about fiscal responsibility, personal responsibility, we've heard them rail against deficit spending and pork and welfare for millennia now. But when the rubber hits the road, they are even more irresponsible than those dastardly "tax-and-spend" liberals. After all, Reagan, Bush, and Bush Babee are the ones who've given us record-breaking deficits. Even Deregulus Prime, Phil Gramm, that anti-whining "foot soldier of the Reagan Revolution" once confessed to being in Washington talking about slashing the pork while going home bragging about how he brought home the bacon.

And Palin and her Pips are some of the biggest swine swindlers there are out there. But reality and rhetoric never do have to meet in politics. They'll yodel all day long about their kosher politics while they gulp down their Lipitor with their Beltway bacon. They'll tell us how they stood up to Obama while they bent over backwards to get earmarks into his budgets. The one thing that will be consistent, though, is they'll continue to paint hard-working folks "welfare cheats" and deny them out of much-needed money.

So, while these people, who are "unwilling" to seek full-time employment while working two or three part-time jobs, become homeless, I hope Jindal will find it in his heart to open up the Super Dome to house them--if only temporarily. Then he and his fellow Pips could hold a benefit, hum a little phallic philharmonic, and asphyxiate on all the Armeys of the people they're screwing.

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Eat A Armey Award: Edward M. Liddy

In honor of everyone's favorite Dick, former Congressman from Texas, House Majority Leader, and "Republican Revolutionary," Dick Armey, I announce my second, weekly (yeah right, Bill, like you have that kind of discipline) Eat A Armey Award, for the public luminary who's being an especial jackhole the previous week.


Have you heard the news this morning? That's right, AIG, the American International Group, the insurance company that has received over $170 billion of American taxpayer money in order to remain solvent, is about to dish out $165 million in bonuses to its own execs. Oh, and get this: about $60 million is going to the financial productions unit, the same AIG unit that had underwritten all those credit default swaps that has sent capitalism crashing around our ears.



So, this week's Eat A Armey award goes to Edward M. Liddy, the current, government-appointed CEO of the American International Group. For, despite being appointed the responsible guardian of the American taxpayers' booty, despite those taxpayers' outrage, despite the massive amounts of debt the American government (his employer) is accruing to keep his company afloat, despite Obama and Congress already imposing tight resrictions on these bailed-out companies' executive compensations, even despite getting reamed out by Timothy "The Gelding" Geithner, Liddy has the temerity to proceed with the bonuses and the balls to playhimself off as powerless in all this: "Needless to say, in the current circumstances, I do not like these arrangements and find it distasteful and difficult to recommend to you that we must proceed with them."

Hunh? What? Why, Eddie, why?

Because, Liddy says, "We cannot attract and retain the best and the brightest talent to lead and staff the AIG businesses--which are now being operated principally on behalf of American taxpayers--if employees believe their compensation is subject to continued and arbitrary adjustment by the US Treasury."

Oh, yeah. I gotcha, Lidster. If you want "the best and the brightest," you gotta pay "the best and the brightest." And that requires lots of money. So much so, that the US Treasury might just have to start printing money like ticker tape just to retain their brilliant services. But look here, NumbNuts. The reason the Treasury's printing all this Monopoly money in the first place is because of all these best and brightest assholes you're bending over backwards to felch!

Remember, these are the same people who fucked ... the ... WORLD!

Hey, Ed, do you remember M.A.D.? Mutually-Assured Destruction? It was the brilliant supposition that nuclear powers would never blow each other up because nobody wanted to be blown up in return. It was simply MAD to start a nuclear war. But the one thing none of the experts answered then or now. And that is what happens when somebody who has his/her finger on the button just doesn't give a fuck?

Well, bud, financially speaking, we're seeing exactly what happens. These "best and brightest" you're so eager to pay are the monetary madmen with their hands on the button. Think about it. Their megalomaniacal greed and avarice didn't just fuck themselves or each other, didn't just fuck their companies or Wall Street, didn't just fuck our 401Ks and retirement funds, didn't even just fuck the US economy. No, hoss. These bastards FUCKED THE WORLD!!!

Our country's going trillions further into debt. Britain partially nationalized their own banks. China's in trouble. Iceland went bankrupt. And damn near all of Eastern Europe is teetering on the brink.

Your AIG homeys had their fingers on the button, and they just kept pressing. Cackling all the way to the bank. And they just don't give a fuck. They actually have the balls to want more. They've fucked the world, and they shamelessly get all up in our faces, screaming, "Where my money, bitch?!!!"

And they got you on your knees, Liddy, begging for their forgiveness? Like you're the powerless one?!

Yo, Eddy! You're their fucking boss! You're the CEO. The United States government hired you to whip these assholes into shape. And you're on your knees?

I mean, what the hell is going on here? I was fired once for not serving customers their food in a timely fashion. These bastards fucked ... the ... world, and you're giving them an additional $200 million for their services?

You, Congress, the Gelding, and Obama keep acting powerless before these paper titans of Wall Street, and it's really starting to piss me off. We're yet to see an indictment. Hell, we haven't even seen an apology. No one is culpable. No one is shamed. If I'd done this, I'd be hanging my head in shame and moving to a country with no extradition treaty with the US. These motherfathers are sauntering around, grabbing their nuts, leaving us beaten and bloodied, and throwing us back out on the corner, screaming, "Not some, not half, but all my money."

And why shouldn't they, Ed? None of you guys are doing a damned thing to stop them. Some of them have lost their jobs with $10 million golden parachutes. And that's the worst any of them have faced.

We get it, Ed. These are rich and powerful people who can make one even richer and more powerful if they just play ball. But look who signs your paycheck, asshole. This whole debacle is bigger than you, your friends, or even the current state of the economy. This is about our future, our children's future, our grandchildren's future. Start fucking acting like it.

Until you realize this and man up and do ... your ... fucking ... job, you, too, Mr. Liddy, can Eat A Armey

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Eat A Armey Award

All right, I don't know if it's the doctor's bill, the quitting smoking thing, or the drug I'm taking to quit smoking that's screwing around with my cranial lobes, or Timothy Geithner's lack of testicles, but I've been feeling more than a little irritated these past couple days. So, in honor of everyone's favorite Dick ...



former Congressman from Texas, House Majority Leader, and "Republican Revolutionary," Dick Armey, I announce my first, weekly (yeah right, Bill, like you have that kind of discipline) Eat A Armey Award, for the public luminary who's being an especial jackhole the previous week.



The inaugural Eat A Armey Award goes to none other than ...





Michelle Malkin






Oh, there are so many reasons to bestow this honor about Ms. Malkin (whether it's her being a Japanese internment apologist or the fact that she graduated summa cum laude from the Sierra Madre School of Journalism--"Facts?! We don't need no stinkin' facts!!!"--or her huggin' up on swastika-totin' white men ...



or just about anything spewing out of this hate-filled, self-loathing leviathan), but this week I'm giving it to her for her reaction to this photo:







For those who don't know, the First Lady went to a homeless shelter Thursday and served dinner. As one could expect, when such outrageous acts of barbarism are committed, the Right responded with appropriate outrage ... Outrage ... OUTRAGE!!! I say.

Of course, they ain't hatin' on the First Lady. They hate the picture-taker--the one they all assume is homeless.

LA Times's Andrew Malcolm set it off by saying: "If this unidentified meal recipient is too poor to buy his own food, how does he afford a cellphone? And if he is homeless, where do they send the cellphone bills?"

Kathryn Jean Lopez over at National Review offered up that good, old conservative shibboleth for screwing over the poor: "I don't envy this man's situation, whatever it is, and don't mean to make light of it. But we are a blessed people when our poor have cell phones."

Kathy Shaidle, over at Five Feet of Fury, once again reading from the apocryphal Gospel of Fuck All Yall that only Conservative Christians seem to possess, states the waaaaay-too-obvious on this one: "Today's 'poor' are the rich Jesus warned you about: fat, slovenly, wasteful of their money and other people's."

Compared to the usual vitriol vomiting up from her labia, Malkin's claptrap was kind of mild on this one: "Some folks are wondering where the cell phone bills get sent. The answer is obvious: ACORN headquarters"; and "The liberals’ argument is that they need cell phones to get jobs. Do they need Blackberry Pearls?!"

So, Bill, if it was indeed so mild, why should Michelle eat a armey?

Uhhh ... Because I hate her.

Now, my first question I have to ask Michelle and her conservative crew is, What exactly about that picture-taker makes you assume that the man is homeless?

Hmm ... OK, we do know that this is a homeless shelter. So, I'm with you so far. Now, is it the man's hat? Do only homeless men wear those kinds of hats? No, I've seen those hats before. I have one, and I'm not homeless.

Is it his sweatshirt? No. I've got one of those, too.

Bill, did you ever stop to think that you might be homeless?

While I can't rule that out (though I think I want a refund for all that rent I've been paying), it still begs the question, what made these conservatives automatically think that this black man taking a photo in a homeless shelter was himself homeless? What could it possibly have been?

And while you're pondering that, may I ask what is especially wrong with a homeless person having a cell phone? I mean, I don't know much about the damned things. My wife gave me my first one, my mother my second, and my in-laws my third. I'm a Luddite with a website and don't find much need for the cellie. So, Michelle Ma Belle, I don't know if ole boy's sportin' a Blackberry Pearl as you quip. But I'm left wondering why a homeless man--if he were indeed homeless--might need a cell phone.

Hmm ...

Let me see, if I'm homeless, I'm betting people might have a tough time getting in contact with me. Like, my family wouldn't know where I was. I'm confused, how would a perspective employer get in touch with me telling me whether I have a job or not? Hell, how would my current employer get in touch with me? After all, I and a lot of my homeless cohorts are actually employed. We just ain't making enough money. That reminds me, I just applied for this little apartment over on Lazy Motherfuckers Who Are Trying to Bilk Hard-Workin' White Folks Lane. I wonder how they'll get in touch with me.

Damn, if only there was some device, something maybe portable, something I could talk into and hear other people talking to me. As you know, much like yourself, I'm always on the go, moving here, moving there. It's really hard to get in touch with me ... because I'm fucking HOMELESS!!!

I just hope one day they come up with something like that that I could use. I mean, they can put a man on the moon, but they can't come up with a portable talking device that would help me to establish some roots. Wait, what? They haven't put a man on the moon in over 30 years. Do you think that's why they haven't come up with my portable talking thingee?

But no, Malkin and her ilk didn't actually think that a cell phone could be an important device that could help a homeless person better their situation. Nope, she and the others went for the cheap joke, their go-to riff on the "Welfare Queen" myth to once again show how "stupid" the poor are and how you shouldn't give any money, time, or compassion to the unfortunate because they'll ultimately just waste it on something as "frivolous" as a cell phone.

For that, the obvious racial subtext, and the automatic assumption that a black man in a homeless shelter is homeless (not a volunteer, employee, nor director), Michelle Malkin most definitely deserves to ...



EAT A ARMEY!!!



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