The Mark Sanford Video of the Day

To the "Family Values," "true Conservative," voter for Clinton's impeachment governor, who saw fit to leave his wife and four children on Father's Day weekend to go get him some in Argentina, this one goes out to you:



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F*ck American!

In these troubling economic times when so many American institutions and multinational corporations are failing or are on the brink of disaster, we Americans have been called upon by our government to scrimp, save, and sacrifice in order to save our country. Hundreds of billions of our tax dollars have gone into saving American International Group, Inc., Bank of America, and other strong, red-white-and-blue companies. Tens of billions of gone into American stalwarts, General Motors and Chrysler. In return, we are being asked not to horde our riches in off-shore bank accounts, to abandon our dreams of a Toyota Prius and buy GM's new K(rap) car. We are being asked to no longer get our funky furniture at Ikea and spend our dollars at Wal-Mart. And our telemarketers are asking to no longer set up shop in India and Vietnam and hire good, hard-working American prisoners like they used to do in the '90s.

In other words, we are all being asked to sacrifice our convenience, common sense, and general good taste in order to save what is left of the grand, old U.S. of A! In order to save our country, we must invest in our country! We must all BUY AMERICAN!!!

That is why it is such a disappointment to find out that the Republican governor of South Carolina (an American state if ever there was one), Mark Sanford, not only left his wife and four children on Father's Day weekend to carry on with an affair, but he also left the country and the whole damned continent of North America!

Why, Mark? Why?

We already know with your turning down the part of the stimulus money that would've extended unemployment benefits, that you are perfectly willing to screw your fellow South Carolinians. You couldn't find it in your heart to take it to one of those fine, southern belles down in Charleston?

No, you had to go bonin' in Buenos Aires. I've heard they've got some of the best beef in the world down there, and the tango is pretty cool; but we've got some mighty fine heifers here in the States, and we're the home of the (ironically enough) Charleston, the Twist, and the motherfuckin' Superman Dance! You couldn't crank that?!

You couldn't have lied about Argentina and gone hiking in Appalachia instead? Are you telling me you couldn't do your patriotic duty and find a tawny, dark-haired beauty in the foothills of West Virginia? Sure, she might've gotten all Faye Dunaway/Chinatown on you--"She's my daughter! She's my sister!"--but hey, the rest of us are bailing out AIG!

And if Faye wouldn't have been to your liking, I'm sure there was some fine McCoy who would've complimented your "purdy mouth" and lovingly asked you to squeal like a pig.

Look, these are hard times. We need every man, woman, and child to sacrifice, to tighten their belts, and drop their pants for America! Why go down for some Argentinian tart when good ole American pie comes in every flavor a man can truly desire?!

Mark Sanford, you failed in your patriotic duty! And for that, we cannot forgive you! John Edwards did his! So did Elliot Spitzer! Even your fellow Republican John Ensign wrecked his political career on domestic shores!

So, listen here, all you philandering, so-called American politicians! No more fellatio in the Philippines! No more sodomy in Salzburg! No more bondage in Bandung! No more tea-bagging in Timbuktu! No more threesomes in Thrace! And absolutely, positively no, no, NO molestation in Managua!!!

From now on, you will do what is right for you, your family, and your country, and ...


FUCK AMERICAN!!!



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Eat A Armey Award: Sarah Palin and the Pips

In honor of everyone's favorite Dick, former Congressman from Texas, House Majority Leader, and "Republican Revolutionary," Dick Armey, I announce my third, weekly Eat A Armey Award, for the public luminary who's being an especial jackhole the previous week.


This one's a group gobbler.




Sarah Palin and the Pips



Singing the same old, tired doo wop of "the dangers of deficit spending," Sarah Palin and the Pips (Haley Barbour, Rick Perry, Mark Sanford, and castrato Bobby Jindal) are flooding the airwaves with their retread miss, "Fiscal Conservativism." The tune has changed and has been remixed several times over the past few years, but, no matter how hard they try, this song seems to be perpetually off-key and is currently falling on deaf ears.

For those of you who haven't heard, Palin and these other Republican governors have decided to reject parts of the federal stimulus package going to their states. A few were originally contemplating rejecting all their state's funds but realized that would be political suicide. And, since this is all really about positioning themselves for the GOP presidential nomination in '12, nobody's been willing to fall on tier swords on "principle" just yet.

Even with this supposed compromise, Palin, Perry, Sanford, Jindal, and Barbour are going hoarse, screeching about their "conservative principles," "Trojan horses," and the Peloponessian War, for that matter. Barbour says he'll reject $56 million; Jindal, $98 million; Palin, $288 million; Perry, $566 million; and, after the White House rejected his ploy to use the money to pay off state debts, Mark Sanford claims he'll reject a whopping $700 million.

But what is the moral this GOP Greek chorus trying to sing? What exactly are these "principles" they're droning on and on about? Why are they only rejecting part of the stimulus package and not the whole thing? What part of it has their togas in a wad?

Why, unemployment benefits, of course.

Oompah!

They claim that the federal government's trying to stealthily change their states' unemployment compensation laws by extending the benefit to those seeking part-time as opposed to full-time employment. Their principles (I'm guessing those old shibboleths, "state's rights" and "welfare cheats") tell them that they don't want to reward people who are "unwilling" to seek full-time employment. Those same principles ignore the fact that most service employers refuse to off full-time employment. But what does principle have to do with reality?

Of course, in the face of the economic crisis we're currently facing (much of it brought on by their principled Republican cohorts), this all begs the question: Who gives a fuck? Hundreds of thousands of people are being laid off monthly; Sanford's own South Carolina has the second highest unemployment rate in the country; and your "principles" are suddenly telling you to screw the ones who are most fucked by this economy. Yeah, I understand principles--not yours--but the principle of having principles. But principles are supposed to guide governance--not dictate it. As Pennsylvania governor, Ed Rendell, says:

"How do you sit across the table from a part-time worker working three part-time jobs, doing his best to keep his family afloat, didn't get health care, didn't get anything for it, all three of his jobs collapsing? What does that make you? Does that make you a good Christian?"

No, Ed, this whole song-and-dance doesn't make Palin and the Pips good Christians. It makes them good Republicans. Because none of these pols care about the suffering in 2009. They're looking at their prospects in 2012. And when that time comes, they won't point to the people they helped starve. They'll talk about how they stood up to "big, bad Washington"; how they wouldn't give in to "welfare cheats"; and that you'd have to pry "fiscal responsibility" from their cold, dead hands.

But it's all a charade, a complex lip-synch routine replete with Solid Gold dancers, a "live studio" audience, canned applause, and a Top Ten chart that has nothing to do with reality ("Kill that metaphor, Bill! Kill it!"). Because while they rail against Washington and welfare, four of these governors are some of the biggest "welfare queens" this country's got.

Each one of their states (except for Rick Perry's Texas) receives more in federal money than they pay in federal taxes. South Carolina gets $1.35 for every dollar sent to Washington; Louisiana ranks fourth, receiving $1.78 for every Washington; Alaska's three ($1.84/$1); and Mississippi is number two, receiving a whopping $2.02 for every dollar sent in federal taxes.

So yes, my Four Tops, this is the same, old song. We've heard Republicans talk about fiscal responsibility, personal responsibility, we've heard them rail against deficit spending and pork and welfare for millennia now. But when the rubber hits the road, they are even more irresponsible than those dastardly "tax-and-spend" liberals. After all, Reagan, Bush, and Bush Babee are the ones who've given us record-breaking deficits. Even Deregulus Prime, Phil Gramm, that anti-whining "foot soldier of the Reagan Revolution" once confessed to being in Washington talking about slashing the pork while going home bragging about how he brought home the bacon.

And Palin and her Pips are some of the biggest swine swindlers there are out there. But reality and rhetoric never do have to meet in politics. They'll yodel all day long about their kosher politics while they gulp down their Lipitor with their Beltway bacon. They'll tell us how they stood up to Obama while they bent over backwards to get earmarks into his budgets. The one thing that will be consistent, though, is they'll continue to paint hard-working folks "welfare cheats" and deny them out of much-needed money.

So, while these people, who are "unwilling" to seek full-time employment while working two or three part-time jobs, become homeless, I hope Jindal will find it in his heart to open up the Super Dome to house them--if only temporarily. Then he and his fellow Pips could hold a benefit, hum a little phallic philharmonic, and asphyxiate on all the Armeys of the people they're screwing.

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