Drill, Baby, Drill! Oil Inferno!!!

We at Tome proudly bring you the video that is rocking the internet and environmentalist discos all around the world. Enjoy!




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Joke of the Day

This past weekend, former Alaska governor, Sarah Palin, went down to Florida for the Orange County Republican Party's annual Lincoln Day fundraiser to heckle that district's Democratic rep. Alan Grayson, letting off such barbs as "I won't say anything about Alan Grayson that can't be said around children." But, like any good performer, Grayson had a few gems of his own up his sleeve for the aspiring heckler. This being the best one:

"Scientists are studying Sarah Palin's travel between Alaska and Florida carefully. They hope to learn more about the flight patterns of that elusive migratory species, the wild Alaskan dingbat."

After this health insurance reform bill passes, Grayson plans to tour this nation's comedy clubs. Check his website for tour dates in a town near you.
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I Am Shocked! Shocked!!! I Say

I tell ya, there must be a phrase out there for all the totally unexpected bombshells that have hit the news, things we never saw coming that have rocked our world recently. I guess the only phrase I can come up with is "Shock and Awe." And, I must confess, I am shocked! Shocked!!! I say ...






I mean, who woulda ever thunk that the Mark McGwire would actually confess to using steroids during his baseball career? I mean, just because he was photographed during his home-run record run with a bottle of steroids--just because when he testified before Congress about steroid use, he said, "I'm not here to discuss the past. I'm here to be positive" [emphasis added]--just because he "gained" like 100 lbs. of "muscle" from the minor leagues to the majors didn't mean he was juicing. Right? Right? No, this came as a total surprise to all us baseball fans. Completely out of left field. Oh, I guess I mean first base.

And isn't it absolutely, completely, and utterly surprising that Commissioner Bud Selig took this opportunity to say that they've done a really good job in cleaning up steroids from baseball? {cough} Albert Pujols {cough}.

And wasn't it just mind-blowing how Tony LaRussa, the man who has coached both McGwire and Jose Conseco--and oh yeah, Albert Pujols--had the temerity, the duplicity, the ... the ... the Scritti Politti to say that he knew absolutely nothing about the juicing and that he runs "a clean program"?





And what? What could've been more shocking than hearing the news that former Alaskan governor and Republican VP candidate, Sarah Palin, has given up all political aspirations to become a political commentator on Fox News? I mean, the real surprise is that she had any political aspirations left after leaving the governorship to go on a book tour. Oh, Sarah. Why? Why?

And all this just before a new tell-all book, Game Change, is coming out talking about how mentally unstable you were on the campaign trail. Oh, to fall so far, so fast. I mean, QVC wasn't hiring?





And who was not absolutely floored when the Grand Douchess of Football, Danielle Snyder, fired yet another coach, Jim Zorn, to hire his seventh coach in 10 years, Mike Shanahan. I mean, this model of consistency within an organization (unlike those mercurial Steelers who have had fewer head coaches in my lifetime than the Vatican has had Popes) has yet again surprised us all with its own form of mavericky politicking.

And the sagacious Snyder has once again shown that he consults the legendary John Madden (the video game--not the actual coach) when making these important football decisions. The players he picks up are always ranked 90 or better on the game (Deion Sanders, Bruce Smith, Antwan Randle El, Brandon Lloyd, Jeff George, Albert Haynesworth, Jason Taylor, etc.) and always seem close to their 90th birthdays when he signs them to $90-million contracts.

But, to be consistent, he referred back to his Madden '98 to pick his new coach. Back when Shanahan was considered a genius. Of course, if he looks back at that '98 Broncos roster, he may be shocked to see that Shanahan was then coaching John Elway and Terrell Davis. I don't see either of those guys on the Redskins '10 roster. Hm....





OK, I wasn't so shocked and not really all that surprised that the Ravens beat the Patriots on Sunday. With their revamped, rookie defense, I felt that Pats' 10-6 record was all smoke-and-mirrors, anyway. But the way the Ravens utterly cleared that smoke away and smashed those mirrors to smithereens to hand the Pats their asses to them was shocking.

However, I was shocked at that 51-45 Cardinals/Packers game. I mean, has no one heard of defense? Man, I thought somewhere along the way I had stopped watching an NFL playoff game and was somehow kicking Dabalou's ass yet again in Madden. I mean, Kurt Warner threw more touchdown passes than incomplete passes! What the hell kind of madness is that?!!!





I was utterly shocked to find that Congressional Quarterly just released a report, stating that 2009 was "the most partisan year ever" in Congress. So, all those videos I've been watching of Congress getting together, holding hands, and singing, "Kumbayah!" together were what? Fox News propaganda?!

I mean, I know Joe Wilson yelled at the President while he was addressing Congress. Something about, "You lie," or something. And I know John Boehner said that the new health care bill was something like the most egregious "attack on our freedom that I've ever seen in my 19 years in Congress." But I figured he just misspoke, right? I mean, he had heard of the P.A.T.R.I.O.T. Act, hadn't he? And sure, Michelle Bachmann has ... well ... lost her gotdamned mind. But I just assumed that these were rare discordant notes in the harmony which is Congress. To hear that 72 percent of last year's Senate's votes are considered partisan and that it is the highest percentage in the history of the Senate ... well, that just doesn't add up.





And I simply can't believe the diminution of math skills that has hit the Right. Now, apparently, such Conservative luminaries as Rudy Giuliani, Monica Crowley, and Bill O'Reilly, pillars of integrity all!, are claiming that there were absolutely no domestic terrorist attacks under W. and three under Obama. And what they consider "terrorist attacks" is just astounding. Apparently, "America's Mayor" was on an elevator the other day with a young Libyan named Muhammad when the offending Muslim farted. Little did we know that methane is a "weapon of mass destruction" (or a "by-product of food consumption," one can never be sure). But, according to Giuliani, that counts as a domestic terror attack.

I guess what they say is true: 2 + 2 &ne 9/11.

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The Hannity-to-Palin Song of the Day

The way that fool, Sean Hannity, has been masturbating gushing over ... No, wait. That works. Let me start over.


The way that fool, Sean Hannity, has been masturgushing over the former Alaskan governor for the past 18 months, who would be surprised if Sean Sean suddenly loses his mind and serenades Malibu Barbie, now that she is officially part of the Fox News team, with this timeless classic right there on the set ... yellow earrings, shoulder pads, and all?

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Eat A Armey Award: Sarah Palin and the Pips

In honor of everyone's favorite Dick, former Congressman from Texas, House Majority Leader, and "Republican Revolutionary," Dick Armey, I announce my third, weekly Eat A Armey Award, for the public luminary who's being an especial jackhole the previous week.


This one's a group gobbler.




Sarah Palin and the Pips



Singing the same old, tired doo wop of "the dangers of deficit spending," Sarah Palin and the Pips (Haley Barbour, Rick Perry, Mark Sanford, and castrato Bobby Jindal) are flooding the airwaves with their retread miss, "Fiscal Conservativism." The tune has changed and has been remixed several times over the past few years, but, no matter how hard they try, this song seems to be perpetually off-key and is currently falling on deaf ears.

For those of you who haven't heard, Palin and these other Republican governors have decided to reject parts of the federal stimulus package going to their states. A few were originally contemplating rejecting all their state's funds but realized that would be political suicide. And, since this is all really about positioning themselves for the GOP presidential nomination in '12, nobody's been willing to fall on tier swords on "principle" just yet.

Even with this supposed compromise, Palin, Perry, Sanford, Jindal, and Barbour are going hoarse, screeching about their "conservative principles," "Trojan horses," and the Peloponessian War, for that matter. Barbour says he'll reject $56 million; Jindal, $98 million; Palin, $288 million; Perry, $566 million; and, after the White House rejected his ploy to use the money to pay off state debts, Mark Sanford claims he'll reject a whopping $700 million.

But what is the moral this GOP Greek chorus trying to sing? What exactly are these "principles" they're droning on and on about? Why are they only rejecting part of the stimulus package and not the whole thing? What part of it has their togas in a wad?

Why, unemployment benefits, of course.

Oompah!

They claim that the federal government's trying to stealthily change their states' unemployment compensation laws by extending the benefit to those seeking part-time as opposed to full-time employment. Their principles (I'm guessing those old shibboleths, "state's rights" and "welfare cheats") tell them that they don't want to reward people who are "unwilling" to seek full-time employment. Those same principles ignore the fact that most service employers refuse to off full-time employment. But what does principle have to do with reality?

Of course, in the face of the economic crisis we're currently facing (much of it brought on by their principled Republican cohorts), this all begs the question: Who gives a fuck? Hundreds of thousands of people are being laid off monthly; Sanford's own South Carolina has the second highest unemployment rate in the country; and your "principles" are suddenly telling you to screw the ones who are most fucked by this economy. Yeah, I understand principles--not yours--but the principle of having principles. But principles are supposed to guide governance--not dictate it. As Pennsylvania governor, Ed Rendell, says:

"How do you sit across the table from a part-time worker working three part-time jobs, doing his best to keep his family afloat, didn't get health care, didn't get anything for it, all three of his jobs collapsing? What does that make you? Does that make you a good Christian?"

No, Ed, this whole song-and-dance doesn't make Palin and the Pips good Christians. It makes them good Republicans. Because none of these pols care about the suffering in 2009. They're looking at their prospects in 2012. And when that time comes, they won't point to the people they helped starve. They'll talk about how they stood up to "big, bad Washington"; how they wouldn't give in to "welfare cheats"; and that you'd have to pry "fiscal responsibility" from their cold, dead hands.

But it's all a charade, a complex lip-synch routine replete with Solid Gold dancers, a "live studio" audience, canned applause, and a Top Ten chart that has nothing to do with reality ("Kill that metaphor, Bill! Kill it!"). Because while they rail against Washington and welfare, four of these governors are some of the biggest "welfare queens" this country's got.

Each one of their states (except for Rick Perry's Texas) receives more in federal money than they pay in federal taxes. South Carolina gets $1.35 for every dollar sent to Washington; Louisiana ranks fourth, receiving $1.78 for every Washington; Alaska's three ($1.84/$1); and Mississippi is number two, receiving a whopping $2.02 for every dollar sent in federal taxes.

So yes, my Four Tops, this is the same, old song. We've heard Republicans talk about fiscal responsibility, personal responsibility, we've heard them rail against deficit spending and pork and welfare for millennia now. But when the rubber hits the road, they are even more irresponsible than those dastardly "tax-and-spend" liberals. After all, Reagan, Bush, and Bush Babee are the ones who've given us record-breaking deficits. Even Deregulus Prime, Phil Gramm, that anti-whining "foot soldier of the Reagan Revolution" once confessed to being in Washington talking about slashing the pork while going home bragging about how he brought home the bacon.

And Palin and her Pips are some of the biggest swine swindlers there are out there. But reality and rhetoric never do have to meet in politics. They'll yodel all day long about their kosher politics while they gulp down their Lipitor with their Beltway bacon. They'll tell us how they stood up to Obama while they bent over backwards to get earmarks into his budgets. The one thing that will be consistent, though, is they'll continue to paint hard-working folks "welfare cheats" and deny them out of much-needed money.

So, while these people, who are "unwilling" to seek full-time employment while working two or three part-time jobs, become homeless, I hope Jindal will find it in his heart to open up the Super Dome to house them--if only temporarily. Then he and his fellow Pips could hold a benefit, hum a little phallic philharmonic, and asphyxiate on all the Armeys of the people they're screwing.

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Barack Obama: Messiah or ... Anti-Christ?! (Cue Ominous Music)

On the Messiah Side:



No, heathens, you are not mistaken: the background song is indeed a riff on Sanctuary. They've just changed the lyrics a bit. After all, "Lord, prepare me to be a sanctuary, pure and holy, tried and true" would be a bit much--even for Obama worshippers.



And now, On the Anti-Christ Side:

I found this on injesus.com. Apparently, it's circulating around "Christian" in-boxes around the country.

Block African witchcraft curses against McCain and Palin NOW!
Jim Bramlett
Sep 28 2008 04:12PM


Dear friends:

THIS IS EXTREMELY SERIOUS.

Minutes ago I spoke with friend Dr. Norman G. Marvin, M.D. and he is so concerned at what he has learned about Barack Obama's family in Kenya that he is calling a special prayer meeting in his home to pray against the witchcraft curses attempted by them against John McCain and Sarah Palin.

Dr. Marvin sent me the below e-mail from Flo Ellers. Flo is credentialed with the International Fellowship of Ministries which is based in Washington State. She is also a member of EndTime Handmaidens and Servants of Jasper, Arkansas.

IF YOU KNOW HOW TO DO SPIRITUAL WARFARE, PLEASE PRAY TODAY AND CONTINUALLY THAT ALL SUCH CURSES BE BROKEN AND SATAN'S PLAN FOR AMERICA BE DEFEATED, IN JESUS' NAME. PRAY AND COVER MCCAIN AND PALIN WITH THE BLOOD OF CHRIST. IF YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DO SPIRITUAL WARFARE, IT IS TIME YOU LEARN!!!

Jim
______________________________________

From Flo Ellers. Excerpt. (Emphasis supplied in bold and underlines.)

Two days ago, I listened to a 9-6-08 message by Bree Keyton, a young woman evangelist who had just traveled to Kenya and visited Obama's home village and what she found out about his relations with his tribal people was chilling. And his "cousin" Odinga was dreadful. She said the witches, warlocks and those involved in satanism and the occult get up daily at 3 a.m. to release curses against McCain and Palin so B. Hussein Obama is elected.

Bree Keyton told the tribal "Christians" you are NOT Christian if you practice "tribalism" where they do voodoo to conjure up a goddess spirit or a "genie" and then come to church on Sunday to worship Jesus! What she discovered there is apparent in most churches around the world; namely, mixture in the church. Some renounced their devilish practices of blood covenant by killing sheep, goats, humans to be inducted into the tribe or to get a wife or to get revenge.

She said the current president of Kenya is a Christian. However, Obama's cousin Odinga ran aganist him and said he rigged the election and stirred up the masses to rape woman and boys, kill and burn and torture Christians, etc. until Obama contacted Condeleeza Rice and she granted Obama the right to contact Odinga and other ruling elders and he "convinced" them to stop terrorizing the Christians. Bree Keyton said the current Christian President was forced by our government (!) to "create" an office for Odinga (to make "peace") so he was made the Prime Minister (!) to make peace between the Christians and Odinga's Muslim religion!

Bree Keyton went and visited Obama's tribal people and she found out Obama is 75% Arab and his family are Muslims. Odinga is strill trying to become the President of Kenya. If he does, he will make a law forbidding all public preaching and institute Sharia Law. Bree K. said Odinga has made a pact with satan.

Bree K. also said when Obama visited his tribe in '06 and as late as Jan. '08 he went to every elder's home which has a "shrine" inside to worship the genie and asked for their blessing. She was told Obama and Odinga were both "destined" before they were born to be president/leader of their nation. They say "he is the chosen one". She said Obama's grandmother sacrificed a black and a white chicken to the "goddess of the river" so both whites and blacks will vote for Obama. All Islam loves and worships Obama. The world is mesmerized by him. Oprah's 200 million followers are out to elect Obama. Also, Dick Morris of Fox News was sent to Kenya to help Odinga run his campaign! I find that unbelievable.

The occultists are "weaving lazy 8's around McCain's mind to make him look confused and like an idiot". Bree K. said we need to break these curses off of him that are being sent from Kenya.

I read a portion of "Obama Nation" book and looked at several websites and found most of this information to be true, all except the curses part, of course....



What I don't understand is why they're so concerned. Sarah Palin's already been protected against witches.



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For GOP, Chivalry Ain't Dead But It Sho' Is Tired

Ah yes, I remember it as though it were 5,327 years ago—August 29, 2008, the day America was in love with Sarah Palin. The Alaskan governor was a “breath of fresh air,” a “true Washington outsider,” a lipstick-wearing barracuda hockey mom who was going to take on her own party, reach out to Hillary voters, break the glass ceiling, and Maverick our cares away.

But by Sept. 1, the love affair was pretty much over when questions over her last child’s birth led to the revelation that Palin’s teenage daughter was pregnant. Blindsided, the Republican ranks donned their armor and went on the attack to defend her.

McCain already had to ditch his “experience” argument against Obama with the pick, he was soon forced to spin his earmarks stance (since his running mate had been for the Bridge to Nowhere before she was against it but after she took the money), and now they had to defend teenage pregnancy, of all things. The Religious Self-Righteous took up the standard, providing a deft flanking maneuver. “Unfortunately,” Family Resource Council president Tony Perkins said, “teenage pregnancy has become all too common in today’s society” (ignoring the fact that this year was the first in 15 that teen pregnancy rates have actually risen and that only 2.2% of teenaged girls get pregnant).

Meanwhile, the main host went on the attack, calling the MSM (mainstream media) “sexist” for raising questions about Palin’s family. Ironically, the “politics of victimization” (as they like to call it) got to feeling so good, the MSM attacks so effective, they kept it up, claiming almost any questioning of Palin was sexist and if they wanted an interview with the princess, they had to show proper “deference”

The press was flummoxed and perplexed. A public official just had to answer to the public (just like Dick Cheney, right?). Interviews were a vital part of campaigning. Why would the GOP want to cloister their damsel? “RaPalinzah, RaPalinzah, let down your raven hair!”

The answer became all too obvious with the guv’s three TV interviews: with misty-eyed Sean Hannity, Palin mechanically recited talking points; she stammered with Charlie Gibson; and totally crashed and burned with Katie Couric (Craven, King, and Spielberg couldn’t combine to make a more perfect horror); the woman is simply not qualified for the position she’s seeking.


Once again, the Republican Crusade was on the march. Bill O’Reilly accused Couric of “gotcha” journalism (obviously, “What newspapers do you read?” is an SAT question). Obviously, she and the entire MSM are in Obama’s pocket. And with his Mohammedan hordes steadily advancing and the Promised Land slipping away, the GOP keeps hacking desperately away. There was Obama’s “lipstick” controversy. In anticipation of a disastrous VP debate, they attacked Gwen Ifill for obvious bias because of her planned book on black politicians “in the age of Obama.” Last week, they even accused Newsweek of sexism because their cover of Our Fair Lady exposes too many wrinkles and unsightly facial hair.

This constant cry of “Moose!!!” seems to be working against the press. Ifill was definitely spooked, never once asserting herself or the rules like she did with Cheney and Roberts four years ago—even when Palin declared she wasn’t going to answer questions and stuck strictly to her talking points. While there are tons of Palin stories in the ether, nothing has stuck like the three-week Jeremiah Wright Fest earlier this year. And even though poll after poll said she lost the debate, conservative and liberal pundits claim she’d actually won.

The marauding GOP machine’s got the press cowering. But with all their bluster, rage, and pyrotechnics, they can’t bludgeon the rest of us into believing that Sarah Palin’s qualified to be VP. In fact, only 39 percent of America now thinks she is.

Some of this might indeed be sexism (it was quite interesting watching old timey feminists questioning Palin’s abilities as a mother). But you can’t combat sexism using the equally sexist chivalric notion of “protecting” Palin. Either she’s capable, knowledge, and experienced enough to be veep, or she’s not. Constantly attacking everyone who even mentions her name, sheltering her from the media, only leads us to assume that she’s not. This tactic is only insulting to her, to feminists and women in general, and to the American people. In fact, we can only assume that this is just a smokescreen, and the louder you scream the more it seems that she must not be qualified and you know it.

So, if she’s worth the position, then “Free Sarah!” This past week, with her “palling around with terrorists” and whooping up the squires and yeomen of your party into a lynching party frenzy, we know the woman’s up for the attack. Let us she if she’s actually capable of defending herself.

Besides, your throats must be getting raw by now with all your screaming. McCain, for one, looked utterly exhausted in last week’s debate. He looked totally demoralized having to defend Obama against his running mate’s attacks. He needs a break. And now the Palin clan has been found guilty of ethics violations in Troopergate? Damn. Now, I know Johnny can’t throw the princess under the bus, but perhaps he should maybe toss her into the moat. You know, just to see how a barracuda fairs against the piranhas of the press.


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A New Kind of Man

Unlike most people, I don’t believe that gender roles have ever been written in stone. I don’t believe there has ever truly been a time when “girls were girls and men were men.” I definitely believe there has always been misogyny. I just don’t think that all our forefathers were John Wayne and every woman, June Cleaver. Within every relationship there is negotiation, and I’m sure within every marriage there has probably never been a strict delineation of who did what every and all the time.

Despite what conservatives say, identity politics is nothing new. There has always been cultural battles over what a “real” man and “real” woman were. I once read about one cultural critic excoriating WWII vets for being too effeminate, letting their women work in the ‘50s. And of course, there are the Platonic love codes that told us “real” men could never love an “inferior” woman—best to go with little boys.

Personally, I’ve never bought any of it. Who are you to tell me what a real man is? Besides, I’m an artist and a proud nerd. While no Alan Alda, I’ve never been a “man’s man” (still trying to figure out what that means). Sure, I played sports as a kid, but flat feet and asthma led me to the books. I chased the P like any other fine, young gentleman. While in the Czech Republic, I drank and fought so much that they deported me and prohibited me from reentering the country for seven years. And when I worked on a loading dock, I did have to tone down my aggression levels, but I’ve never been hard, a “gangsta,” or a “thug.” Nor have I ever wanted to be. But I’ve really never really been a softie, either.

All that changed a year ago with the birth of my daughter. As soon as a lock of her hair popped into the world, I was flooded with so much emotion, I damn near cried on the spot. And the sappiness hasn’t really stopped. Now, I know a lot of this is natural: our levels of testosterone drop as we age; and my wife read that a baby’s caregiver’s estrogen levels increase (I guess so we don’t leave them in the woods or ingest their heads, or something). Since I spend at least 11 hours a day taking care of Poohbutt, I guess mine remain pretty high.

But damn, it can be annoying sometimes. I used to be fairly cool and detached. My Dad used to chastise me for being too “cavalier.” But now, it’s all switched up on me. Things that I used to scoff at as corny now tug at my heartstrings. Watching an old episode of Freaks and Geeks, I choked up when Bill had a heart-to-heart with the gym teacher who was dating his mom. When friends now close an email with “Love,” I don’t go like Riley with an, “Ooh, you gay.” Instead, I think (earnestly, no less), “Yeah. I love you, too, man.” If there’s a loving scene with a father and daughter, my chest gets all warm and fuzzy. I can’t stand hearing about dead children. I used to hate the local news because all their “special reports” are designed to scare parents. Now, I can’t watch the local news because all those “special reports” scare me. It’s so bad, I’m sure if Bambi came on, I’d run from the room screaming and crying.



Last night, during the debate, was no different. Joe Biden got me when he started talking about losing his wife and daughter in a car accident. My eyes genuinely started steaming. Then, when he said that “Don’t tell me I don’t know what it’s like to raise a family because I’m not a woman” and he had to stop because he was about to cry, I damn near lost it myself.

My wife and I often talk about gender (gender analysis is part of her job). Right after that moment, she was champing at the bit, wanting to discuss it. “How interesting,” she said. “That’s something Palin couldn’t do.”



Intellectually, I was ready to respond. After all, this past year has been choked with race and gender politics, hasn’t it? If I’d been capable, I would’ve said, “Well, Hillary choked up in New Hampshire, and that worked for her. But Ferraro, Thatcher, a Golda Meir or Indira Ghandi, I think they would’ve been crucified as soft or mentally unstable.” Then I probably would’ve gone on: “This evolution of men and crying is interesting, though. I mean, Edwin Muskie’s political ambitions were dashed when he choked up. Bill Clinton had that biting-the-lower-lip-“I-feel-your-pain” schtick. But this…”

But that Biden moment had me. I don’t tknow if it was manufactured or not, but the Senator, at that moment, seemed so real. So vulnerable. And I (the punk I no doubtedly am) was just caught up in the speculative horror of losing my wife and daughter. And he had two injured sons he had to care for at the same time. Damn. I couldn’t imagine it. Yet, I was trapped doing just that—all misty-eyed, and shit. Annoyed, I didn’t know whether to go to a bar, down a couple of shots, and slug the next guy I saw or just grab my daughter and let her fall asleep on my chest. Damned estrogen. Of course, I chose the latter.

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Johnny Jumpin' Sharks

SPLASH!!!

I was at work Wednesday afternoon when I heard the noise. People were already gathered at the window by the time I got there. I sidled up next to Beatmeiser, who was staring out the window, dumbfounded.

“What happened?” I asked.

“He’s finally gone and done it,” Beatmeiser answered, stunned.

“Who?”

“John McCain.”

“What’s he done?”

“He’s finally jumped the shark.”

I looked out the window. McCain was down in the icy waters of Punk Ocean, arms sort-of raised in victory with his leather jacket glistening in the sun. a Coast Guard helicopter was already swooping in to rescue the Senator. Fox News was already heralding him as a hero again.

“Damn,” I said, disappointed yet again in the “Maverick.”


Like a lot of you, I kind of liked McCain eight years ago. I fell for the whole “Maverick” schtick, and just loved the “Straight Talk Express.” He seemed a breath of fresh air after years of Clintonian “It depends what your definition of is is” BS.

(Author’s Note: Just because I may or may not like a politician’s mediated image does not mean I’d vote for the bastard. I like Huckabee—he’s charismatic and funny—but there’s no way in hell I’d vote a fundamentalist preacher in for president.)

But also like a lot of you, I’ve been really disappointed with John McCain these past few months. All the lies, half-truths, manufactured outrage has been taking its toll. This campaign is just meant to depress the Obama vote and probably won’t work. But it seems as though the Maverick will try anything to win this election.

Since 2000, McCain has made little concessions to Bush with his eyes on this year. It was understandable. He’s a politician, not a messiah. The problem came for me when McCain caved on waterboarding. McCain, who (if you haven’t heard) was a victim of torture during his imprisonment in Vietnam, was initially outraged over Bush’s pro-torture stance. There was some harrumphing and posturing, but when it came down to it, Bush made his intentions to torture clear, and McCain quieted his opposition. The political theater complete.

But, to me, this was more than just “politics as usual.” Here, McCain was supposed to be a moral beacon. He knew the terror and futility of torture firsthand. He could’ve provided much-needed cover for much weaker politicians to oppose Americans officially torturing prisoners. But he caved—his desire for the Presidency so strong, he was willing to violate the same Geneva Convention he probably clung to so desperately in the Hanoi Hilton.

So, why should we be surprised if McCain lies about things small (“I always buy American”—I don’t know, I’m sure Lexus, VW, and Honda have American plants) and large (“Obama will raise your taxes”—neglecting to add, “if you make more than $250K a year”)? After all, that is actually a part of politics. Though both candidates said they were above that sort of thing, they are both doing it. Besides, the chips are down for the Republicans. The war, the economy—so much GOP philosophy (deregulation, pre-emptive war, anti-environmentalism, supply-side economics) seems to be filing for Chapter 11. Even tried and true culture war tactics seem to be falling on deaf ears. Hear anything about gay marriage lately?

McCain seems to be twisting in the wind. He’s embraced “agents of intolerance” like the Hitler-praising John Hagee only to cut him loose when he actually starts praising Hitler. He’s flip-flopped on off-shore oil-drilling and the Bush tax cuts. With the picking of Sarah Palin, he’s thrown his experience argument out the window and now embraces a running mate who embraces the very same earmarks he’s railed against for years.

McCain probably no longer recognizes himself. And to cover all these reversals, obfuscations, and naked desire to “just win, baby,” to maintain his image of integrity, his camp has manufactured a campaign of outrage. The man has been outraged with Wesley Clark, personally insulted by that ultra-hippy Supreme Court, furious with Obama too many times to count, pissed at Madonna, and damned near ready to kick Jim Webb’s ass. McCain’s been so pissed so often, I’m surprised nobody’s either straitjacketed him or simply cried, “Wolf!”

And each time a new “outrage,” another lie comes out, I’m thinking, Oh, he’s gone and jumped the shark now. I’ve thought it couldn’t get anymore outrageous. But each time I’ve been wrong. McCain’s simply been practicing for Wednesday afternoon. He was on his skis, he was in the water; but he was jumping some mackerel, a dolphin or two, a stingray.

I mean, this is the same man who promised to run a campaign based on dignity and ideas. When he’s called on it, he blames Obama for McCain’s negative ads, saying the Dem should’ve debated him 10 times as he’d originally requested. This is the man who still rides around on the “Straight Talk Express.” Yet, he won’t allow the press to even talk to his running mate. And if they even think about reporting on her spotty past, they’re accused of being sexist. And if you use “lip” or “stick” in a sentence, the manufactured rage is far louder than the indignation heard over Darfur.

They apparently jumped a marlin on that one. Still a pretty big fish, and it’s got that really sharp nose.

But, even with all that subterfuge and lack of substance, McCain is falling in the polls faster than an A-4 Skyhawk over Hanoi. The Palin stunt is no longer working. No matter how hard they try, the issues keep popping up. While McCain talks about the fundamentals of the economy being strong, the Bush administration is begging for a Wall Street bailout. McCain’s own economic advisor, Carly Fiorina says neither he nor Palin (she later adds Obama and Biden) could run a company. The Maverick suddenly wants to fire the head of the SEC, the FEC, hell even the ACC! (Understandable, Duke is the root of a lot of evil—but you can’t pin this economic collapse on Coach K.)

With his stock falling with each tick of the clock last week, McCain then went back to the tried and true lie, blaming Obama for our economic woes! No, it wasn’t McCain who’s been a heavy supporter of deregulation for the past three decades. It was Obama! Phil Gramm, the architect of a lot of this deregulation, wasn’t a McCain advisor. He was Obama’s! McCain wasn’t the chair of the Senate Commerce Committee for six years. It was the four-year senator, Obama! Well, that explains why McCain earlier said the economy wasn’t his strong suit.

You could tell that Johnny was flirting with that shark jump last Friday night. You could see that fire in his eyes. But it wasn’t until the polls came out earlier this week having the Maverick down four to nine percentage points that the leather jacket, water skis, and homoerotic '70s shorts came out and you could hear the boat revving.

Then he did it. In a vain attempt to appear as though he’s got a handle on this Wall Street debacle, that he’s large and in charge, and that he cares for the middle class (or at least those of us in the middle class who make $2.5 million a year), John McCain announced that he’s suspending his campaign. As we heard the splash, we found out that the details of this suspension are just as murky as the water he’s now wading in. Does it mean he’ll air no more ads? Will there be no more canvassing? No more fundraising? What does “suspending” his campaign mean?

The Coast Guard helicopter’s dropping a line down to the man right now. No, suspending means canceling today’s debate. Ahh, now we see the real reason. But no, we don’t. Yesterday, the idea was floated that they not cancel the presidential debate, merely postpone it, to say, October 2nd. You know, when the veep debate’s supposed to be. Who wants to see young, beautiful Sarah Palin debate that crusty, old Joe Biden, anyway? She has more executive experience than Biden and Obama combined. Trust us on this one, people.

And now, it all makes sense. Look into the water and you’ll see that McCain did indeed clear a shark on Wednesday. It was a hammerhead. He’s still holding out the option of jumping a great white later. It all depends on how this latest ploy works.

Hey pilot! Why don’t you leave the old bugger in the water a little while longer? Maybe he’ll grab the Straight Talk dinghy and float off into the sunset. I’m sure Fox will laud him as hero as he majestically disappears.



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Hungover

I woke up this morning in a cold sweat. My head was pounding. My stomach was churning like a storm surge. I was hung over. But I didn’t have a lick of liquor yesterday, and I knew my usual greasy-burger-Diet-Coke-and-tons-of-aspirin remedy would not be working this day. I knew what instantly what was plaguing me: Sarah Palin!

I’ve had too much. I’m sick of hearing about her, reading about her, writing about her, hearing about her, talking about her. I’m even sick of her face. I’m sick of the hysteria, hatred, and adoration inspired by America’s Latest Wet Dream, and my body has finally rejected all the toxins I’ve been ingesting these past two weeks.

Enough aleady!

Now look, like all hangovers, I brought this upon myself. Sure, everywhere I look, there Palin is. I think she’s in my kitchen right now making Obama Waffles right now. But I could’ve ignored it. I could’ve pierced my eardrums or gouged out my eyes. I could’ve done something about it. And I certainly didn’t need to be writing about her here on Tome.

So, I vow—right here! right now!—to not write about Her Royal Palinness ever again!

…

OK, at least for the next week. Right now, she’s being cloistered in Wasilla having the last 4,000 years of human history crammed into her cranium while she looks out her window, staring at Russia. I’m going to take this time to write about something, anything else.

After all, I firmly believe that I’m not alone in my nausea and that the love affair will officially end on October 10 (eight days after the VP debate). Our Pentecostal puck-slapping mama will soon be relegated to the oil bin of history, and we won’t have to hear from her again for another 24 years, when she reemerges ranting about how California Senator Nhung Tran Kardassian wouldn’t be running for President if she weren’t a Vietnamese-Armenian triple-amputee.

Besides, this morning, sensing my pain, 11-month-old Poohbutt fed her Daddy Cheerios for breakfast. I have better things to think about.

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Sambo-Bitchgate

I first came across this Sarah Palin accusation while reading the Field Negro blog last week. Yesterday, my boy Dabalu sent me an email about it. Curious, I Googled it and realized that this rumor’s gone viral. Even Michelle Malkin has blogged about it. If you haven’t heard, Sarah Palin’s being accused of once calling Obama “Sambo” and Hillary Clinton a “bitch.”

Here’s the email:

Alaskans Speak (In A Frightened Whisper): Palin Is “Racist, Sexist, Vindictive, And Mean”

September 5, 2008
by Charley James –

“So Sambo beat the bitch!”

This is how Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin described Barack Obama’s win over Hillary Clinton to political colleagues in a restaurant a few days after Obama locked up the Democratic Party presidential nomination.

According to Lucille, the waitress serving her table at the time and who asked that her last name not be used, Gov. Palin was eating lunch with five or six people when the subject of the Democrat’s primary battle came up. The governor, seemingly not caring that people at nearby tables would likely hear her, uttered the slur and then laughed loudly as her meal mates joined in appreciatively.

“It was kind of disgusting,” Lucille, who is part Aboriginal, said in a phone interview after admitting that she is frightened of being discovered telling folks in the “lower 48” about life near the North Pole.

Then, almost with a sigh, she added, “But that’s just Alaska.”

Racial and ethnic slurs may be “just Alaska” and, clearly, they are common, everyday chatter for Palin.

Besides insulting Obama with a Step-N’-Fetch-It, “darkie musical” swipe, people who know her say she refers regularly to Alaska’s Aboriginal people as “Arctic Arabs” – how efficient, lumping two apparently undesirable groups into one ugly description – as well as the more colourful “mukluks” along with the totally unimaginative “f**king Eskimo’s,” according to a number of Alaskans and Wasillians
interviewed for this article.

But being openly racist is only the tip of the Palin iceberg. According to Alaskans interviewed for this article, she is also vindictive and mean. We’re talking Rove mean and Nixon vindictive.

No wonder the vast sea of white, cheering faces at the Republican Convention went wild for Sarah: They adore the type, it’s in their genetic code. So much for McCain’s pledge of a “high road” campaign; Palin is incapable of being part of one.

Now, Field (whose blog I seriously love and read every day) decided to treat this internet rumor as true. I have to respectfully disagree. Not because I’m a Palin supporter (quite the opposite) but mainly because it’s way too convenient to be true—like all urban myths.

All too many of us are willing to believe that a Republican can be racist (warranted or not—I mean, “gentic code” was a bit much, don’t you think?). So, of course, the Republican governor would be spitting “Sambo” on the diner floor. It just reinforces what we already think. But for those supposed Hillary voters who are about to jump the fence, look, Palin called your girl a “bitch.” How can you vote for her?

Despite the image the GOP’s trying to mold around the woman, I don’t think Palin’s a saint. I don’t think she’s all that qualified to be VP, but I also find it hard to believe that she’s a complete moron. And it would’ve been completely moronic for a trained politician to say something like that in public. It wouldn’t be the first time—but it’s still unlikely—especially since it dovetails so nicely against her.

Unlike those right-wing bloggers out there, I’m sure this rumor didn’t come from the Obama camp (they aren’t morons either). Just like I’m sure that McCain’s not responsible for the Obama-Anti-Christ-abortionist-jihadi rumors. I’m just tired of all the bullshit.

Look, I’m not some kind of political naïf, singing “Kumbaya,” wondering why we all can’t just get along. Bitter partisan rancor, vicious rumors, baseless accusations have been an intrinsic part of American politics since Washington hung up his spurs. Claims of bastard children, questionable parentage (did you know Warren G. Harding was our first black president?), alcoholism, debauchery. Our politicians have been some of the most evil sons- and daughters-of-bitches on the planet—or so their opponents would have you believe.

It’s just that this campaign has been going on for way too long. People are anxious. I’m anxious. This election is a watershed moment in our nation’s history. Not just race and gender will be affected. Currently, our country’s problems are so vast and numerous, and Obama and McCain see governance fundamentally differently. We have two seriously divergent paths to choose from for our future. And because these paths are so disparate, because so much is at stake, I just wish … just wish … just …

Ah, screw it.

Sarah Palin is a racist, neo-Nazi lesbian dominatrix who killed and ate Cambodian children when she led Khmer Rouge troops back in ’75! That’s right, when she was nine-years-old! All the while selling state secrets to al Qaeda! And John McCain is her love child!!!

Yeah. That’s right. You heard it here first!

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Palin Comparison

Much like the rest of you, I spent much of Friday in confusion. That maverick John McCain really threw us for a maverick loop with his maverick choice (did I mention John McCain is a maverick?) for VP. Like the rest of you, I had no clue who the hell Sarah Palin was, and, before I could even start to wrap my head around her bio, my boy TRF (a Republican staffer working on the Hill) sent me a triumphal email over the pick. We traded our usual, faux-combative emails where I warned him, though not knowing why, that the GOP was going to live to regret this one.

At the time I couldn’t figure out McCain’s logic. I’m thinking that most Hillary Clinton supporters are middle-aged, pro-choice feminists. Especially with Roe v. Wade in the 5-4 balance and Ruth Bader Ginsburg stunt-doubling for the Crypt Keeper, how would they find the NRA, pro-life governor at all appealing?

Just because she’s a woman?

And why would McCain negate his most effective argument against Obama—his lack of experience—by nominating someone with arguably less experience to be a “heartbeat away” from the Presidency? Sure, I’ll admit that she has roughly two years of executive experience. But it’s Alaska, for godsakes—one of the smallest, most homogenous states of the Union which gets the most federal funds of any other and every citizen gets an annual welfare check from the oil companies just for living there. How hard could it be to govern that place? Even W. couldn’t mess that one up!

And now, with every day revealing a new surprise about the woman, I’m even more baffled. The abstinence-only advocate has a pregnant teenage daughter (note: many conservatives are claiming this reportage unfair, that family should be off-limits, but Palin’s been the one touting her own “hockey mom” credentials, her military-bound son, and her Down’s syndrome baby as reasons to vote for her; if it was fair to scrutinize Kerry’s military record since he brought it up, why isn’t Palin’s motherhood fair game—after all, only 2.2% of teens get pregnant in this country which makes her situation extremely rare and Palin advocates abstinence-only, which clearly isn’t working in her own family). The maverick Palin hired a Washington lobbyist to get $27 million in earmarks for her town of 9,000 when she was mayor—the same amount Boise, ID, population 100,000, got—wrote a letter to Ted Stevens requesting $200 million in earmarks for the state while governor, and was for the Bridge to Nowhere before she was against it. She’s also apparently a supporter and/or member of an Alaskan secessionist party. The Pentacostal governor, like our President, also believes she’s doing God’s work—even when trying to get a $30 billion natural gas pipeline built through Alaska. “I think God’s will has to be done in unifying people and companies to get that gas line built, so pray for that.”

While I definitely don’t understand McCain’s logic in choosing her, I see why he would choose a woman. The Republican brand is rusted, and demographic studies show that it will continue to erode. In less than 40 years, there will be no majority race in the United States. Any party that wants to survive has to reach out to women and minorities.

The GOP, however, has a lot of recent history to overcome. They were the “party of Lincoln,” as they often claim, but those Radical Republican days are long gone. Black folks stayed Republican until 1960 when JFK made that famous phone call to Coretta Scott King while MLK was in jail. After his loss to Kennedy, the card-carrying NAACP member, Richard Milhouse Nixon devised his Southern Strategy, exploiting whites’ anxieties and racism to electoral victory. Those anti-segregation former Dixiecrats also jumped to the GOP ship, and ever since we have had “Welfare Queens,” “reverse racism,” and Willie Horton ads. Blacks now feel quite alienated by the GOP and feel that that party exploits prejudice to blacks’ detriment and their gain. Most black folks can’t help but feel suspect to any overtures made by Republicans, still smarting over past slights.

I don’t think Latinos feel much better about the party. After all, it’s the GOP that drives 187-like, heavily-racialized anti-immigration crusades, often claiming that “those people” can never truly become American, how they ruin American culture, you know the drill.

Much to their defense, it was also the Republicans who first advocated for the Equal Rights Amendment. It was an official part of their platform from WWII until the 1970s—when Phyllis Schafly had it expunged. Ever since, they have been notorious in excoriating “Feminazis,” being anti-choice, and generally deriding most feminist causes.

This is the legacy current Republicans have to overcome if they truly want to reach out to women and minorities. And they will have to run female and minority candidates. But running those candidates isn’t the point. It is not simply a matter of throwing up a black, Latino, Asian, or woman. A black candidate can be just as racist as any Klansman, and many of the (to quote a friend) “self-loathing Negroes” the GOP throws up makes you wonder. And Phyllis Schafly has proven that a woman can be just as sexist as any male chauvinist pig.

I don’t know if Sarah Palin’s a sexist, or not. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt. I see that she has definitely energized the conservative base. But I don’t see how her views and her record will appeal to liberal or moderate women—self-described feminists or not. I also don’t see why, if McCain were compelled to choose a female running mate, why he wouldn’t pick someone with more of a proven track record, a Christine Todd Whitman, Kay Bailey Hutchison, or Condoleeza Rice, a woman who one might not agree with but one who has earned her place at the table. When you compare Palin to these women or Hillary Clinton, she is most definitely lacking.

In fact, the Palin pick smells a bit like the choice of Clarence Thomas. The only thing that qualified that man for the Supreme Court was that he was black and conservative. It was the condescending tokenism of his choice that had outraged blacks. So far, it seems the same, tragic logic was used for Sarah Palin. With her spotty, short record, it is hard to fathom what qualifies her to be veep except that she’s young, conservative, and, to quote a leering Orrin Hatch on Charlie Rose last night, “quite feminine.”

I don’t know if feminists will ultimately end up as resentful over her choice as blacks are over Thomas. I do have a feeling, though, that they aren’t going to fall for the okey-doke nor vote for McCain just because he’s picking a woman to be second-in-command. The Republicans do need to reach out, but nobody’s looking for that type of tokenism. The next time they decide to pick a female for a prominent position, they need to make sure that that candidate truly and sincerely addresses female issues—such as equal pay for equal work, health care, education, maternity and paternity leave. The same holds true for minority issues. Until they do that, no amount of tokenism will erase their legacy, and they will forever be the party of Phyllis Schafly and the Southern Strategy—and will probably be relegated to the dust bin of history.

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