I've just finished watching the thirtieth World Series in which you have not appeared. And I just thought yinz--as an organization--as the Pittsburgh Pirates of Willie Stargell, Big and Lil' Poison, Roberto Clemente, and Honus Wagner fame--deserved a big, fat round of applause!!!
I mean, thirty friggin' years of futility! You have got to deliberately go out of your way to pull that off. I mean, you couldn't have accidentally slipped and fell into the World Series.
Think about it! Thirty years!
The last time the Pittsburgh Pirates--the Pittsburgh Pirates of Willie Stargell, Big and Lil' Poison, Roberto Clemente, and Honus Wagner fame--went to and won the World Series, a group of doe-eyed, scruffy-faced college students rushed into the American embassy and took a whole bunch of Americans hostages--bringing a superpower to its knees and causing an American president to lose an election. Did you know one of those students is now the president of his country?
Yeah ... this guy.
Seriously, take a look at him. Sure, he's still scruffy-faced (and, well, a bit cross-eyed), but he sure as hell ain't no student no more. Those youthful days are far behind this guy.
And these guys, too.
Those are the 1979 Pirates today!!!
And as old and fat as these guys are, I still bet they'd beat the 2009 Pirates in a best-of-seven series!!!
Did you know the Soviets ...
No, no, no ... not the Soviettes. The Soviets invaded Afghanistan in 1979--forever showing empires that they should never invade that place. Thank God we all learned that lesson.
Well, I just learned that Flo was the #6 show of 1979!
Do you think that's where Flo Rida got his name?
Well, you think on that awhile. Meanwhile, why don't you listen to the #53 song of 1979--the song that the 1979 Pirates took as their theme song?
Do you know who else had hit songs in 1979?
Cheap Trick, Peaches and Herb, Village People, Electric friggin' Light Orchestra, Leif Garrett!!!, Gino Vannelli, and Randy VanWarmer!!!
When was the last time you heard anything from these people?
Oh yeah ... I guess the last time I heard anything from you ....
And who the fuck was Randy VanWarmer?!!!
Oh ... wow ... geez ...
Well then ... what the fuck were yinz takin' back in '79?!!!
Oh yeah ... World Series rings.
But not since. Nope. Not you, Buccos!
Oh sure, you flirted with the idea back in '90, '91, and '92--before this douchebag decided to sue his wife for alimony and take steroids!!!
Seriously, Barry, couldn't you have taken the syringe, bulked up, unclenched your sphincter and de-choke-ified your larynx and given us at least one World Series before you left Pittsburgh?
But no. You choked and left, forever dashing our hopes. After 1979, we had to suffer the abysmal Johnny Ray '80s. We had a little hope with Bonds, Bonilla, and Van Sylke in the late '80s/early '90s. But since 1992, we Pirates fans have not only not seen the World Series nor even the playoffs, we haven't even seen a fucking winning season, you FUCOPs!!!
That's 17 years!!!
Bill Clinton had just been George H.W. Bush for the White House! Ross Perot and "fuzzy math" were all the rage! People actually thought Dana Carvey was funny!!!
Black folks wore X hats! White folks kept talking about The Crying Game! Boyz II Men had the #1 song of the year with "End of the Road" (cough, gag, vomit all over the keyboard, wipe off, finish up rant)!!!!
Hell, this time seventeen years ago, in 1992, Barry Bonds was about to leave the Pirates forever and Dr. Dre was about to drop The Chronic.
Pittsburgh baseball and hip-hop have never been the same since.