My BS NFL Predictions -- 1/2way Thru

Well, New Jersey governor-elect Chris Cristie's campaign has ignited an entire and utterly complete political wave of "accountability" and "personal responsibility" never before felt in our elected officials!

With Rep. Mike Ross no longer taking personal money from the drug companies and voting for the public option and Rep. Barney Frank eschewing all that big, beautiful banking money and cracking down on our nation's financially- and morally-bankrupt financial institutions, I have caught the fever as well!

So, in my first act of personal accountability, I have to decided to hold myself ... well, I guess, accountable for the BS NFL predictions I made at the beginning of the season.

Let's see how I've done so far.

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: No matter how whack these predictions turn out to be, they can't be any worse than my 2-7 fantasy football season. So please keep in mind that I, like my fellow NFL owner-aspirant, Rush Limbaugh, am simply talking out of my ass.]

NFC East
MY PREDICTION

1. Philadelphia Eagles
2. New York Giants
3. Dallas Cowboys
4. Washington Redskins


REALITY

1. Dallas Cowboys (6-2)
2. Philadelphia Eagles (5-3)
3. New York Giants (5-4)
4. Washington Redskins (2-6)

I originally predicted that the Eagles were the team to beat here. I still hold that to be true. You just have no clue what Eagles are gonna show up. One week, they dismantle the Giants like they were the Oakland Raiders, or something. But a couple weeks before, they actually lost to the Oakland Raiders.

The Giants are even more schizoid than that. They start off the season going 5-0 and then have dropped the next four straight. But when you have Nazi leadership (aka Tom Coughlin), you've gotta expect your boys to be streaky. You blitz through Poland and storm through the USSR and then find yourself stalled at Leningrad's city gates. No, I don't expect a million people to die as a result of the Giants' season. What I figure is, they'll get their act together this week and streak all the way to the playoffs and possibly the Super Bowl.

Hey, did you know there was a Finnish rock band called the Leningrad Cowboys? According to Wikipedia, they are known for their "humorous songs, ludicrous hairstyles and concerts featuring the Russian military band Alexandrov ensemble."





Those hairstyles are ludicrous!

And so is the Cowboys' success (SEGUE!!!). Their schedule hasn't been too heavy, but I'm still a little surprised. The only consolation is that a Tony Romo-led team couldn't possibly win a Super Bowl.

And a Daniel Snyder-owned football team apparently cannot even win a single game. Until the day that the Nashville Niggers take the field against the Kansas City Kikes, I will forever hate Washington's football team's name (no, I guess then I'd hate three horribly-named teams instead of just one). And as long as that little Napoleon continues to own the Foreskins, I will forever wish them ill. However, I have to thank them for giving me the football highlight of the year: their giving the Detroit Lions their first win in twenty friggin' games! That was just beautiful.




NFC South

MY PREDICTION

1. Carolina Panthers
2. Atlanta Falcons
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
4. New Orleans Saints

REALITY

1. New Orleans Saints (8-0)
2. Atlanta Falcons (5-3)
3. Carolina Panthers (3-5)
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-7)

Please don't let it ever be said that Bill Campbell can't smoke himself up some crack now. Little did we know, he was apparently on a five-week bender when he made the abovementioned prediction.

I originally thought this division was a toss-up. We all know Carolina's about as inconsistent as they come. And they still are (I mean, who loses to Buffalo?), but they are consistently coming up with the short end of the stick.

I thought Atlanta wasn't going to be as good as they were last year. They seem to be about the same. And, wishful thinking on my part, I thought Tampa would be a little better. Who knows, though? That rookie QB of theirs, Josh Freeman, looked like an absolute beast last week against Green Bay.

The real surprise, of course, is New Orleans. I still don't think you can outscore your way to a Super Bowl, but we shall see.



NFC North

MY PREDICTIONS

1. Chicago Bears
2. Minnesota Vikings
3. Green Bay Packers
4. Detroit Lions


REALITY

1. Minnesota Vikings (7-1)
2. Chicago Bears (4-4)
3. Green Bay Packers (4-4)
4. Detroit Lions (1-7)

All right, I was gonna make some excuses for the Bears, saying something like, "It must be harder to integrate a new quarterback into your team than I thought." But I guess Brett Favre proves that one false.

Of course, Jay Cutler ain't no Favre and Matt Forte certainly ain't Adrian Peterson. Mrs. Unknown would be really pissed if I say anything nice about Favre. Seriously, I haven't seen her hate an athlete this virulently since the time she found out that steroid-popping Mark McGwire also had special contacts made to see the ball better. I will say this about the Vikes, though: that recent loss to the Steelers proved that they aren't quite ready for prime time.

Aside from that, the Bears are a lot weaker than I'd originally imagined and the Packers much stronger. The Lions looked damned good against the Redskins last month, but that was just a big ole Battle of the Suck. I'd like to see where they go in a couple of years.



NFL West

MY PREDICTIONS

1. Seattle Seahawks
2. San Francisco 49ers
3. Arizona Cardinals
4. St. Louis Rams

REALITY

1. Arizona Cardinals (5-3)
2. San Francisco 49ers (3-5)
3. Seattle Seahawks (3-5)
4. St. Louis Rams (1-7)

Face it, this is a crap division. What was I supposed to say? I think Arizona's #1 by default. Seattle is once again plagued by injuries. St. Louis is, well, now we know what happened to the World Class Wrecking Crew.




But I said it before, San Fran is where my heart is this season. They've still got QB issues, but Mike Singletary's got these guys on the right page. Sure, they're 3-5, but they started out 3-1; and they're dead even on Points Against and Points For. They're tough and are only gonna get tougher.



AFC East

MY PREDICTIONS

1. New England Patriots
2. Miami Dolphins
3. Buffalo Bills
4. New York Jets


REALITY

1. New England Patriots (6-2)
2. New York Jets (4-4)
3. Miami Dolphins (3-5)
4. Buffalo Bills (3-5)


OK, I have hated the New England Patriots since Sunday, January 27, 2002. Yeah, that's when the Pats rolled into Heinz Field, bleary-eyed from watching all that videotape, and totally dominated the Steelers on their way to their first Super Bowl victory. Look yall, I'm tired of the hate. I need to move on. I've got a kid now. But the rest of the NFL keeps falling for their Jedi mind tricks, falling for the okey-doke every week, never realizing that they don't have a real running back and their D actually kinda sucks, and let's the Pats come away with yet another victory. I'd actually be impressed--if my hate wasn't so great.

I'd originally predicted the Jets to be in last place (for which I got some crap). But I'm impressed with how Matt Sanchez can put down the hot dogs long enough to eke out a victory here and there.

The big disappointment here has got to be Buffalo (Miami has a pretty good injury excuse). I mean, how the hell can you have two of the most dangerous wide receiver threats in T.O. and Lee Evans and still throw mostly to your running backs and tight ends?! It just boggles the mind. But I guess that's why QB Evans is called "Check-Down Trent."



AFC South

MY PREDICTIONS

1. Tennessee Titans
2. Indianapolis Colts
3. Houston Texans
4. Jacksonville Jaguars

REALITY

1. Indianapolis Colts (8-0)
2. Houston Texans (5-4)
3. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-4)
4. Tennessee Titans (2-6)

I know some look at Peyton and Eli Manning and argue that they are poster boys for why cousins should never be allowed to marry. Aesthetically, I think they may have a point there. But athletically ... you gotta admit, the Mannings were onto something, doubling up their athletic abilities so that their progeny could be as dominant as they now are.

Like the Patriots and Tom Brady, Peyton and the Colts know how to win. I don't think the Colts are 8-0 material. But we're going to see just how good they are. In the past two weeks, they have lost starting linebacker, Tyjuan Hagler, S Bob Sanders, and CB Marlin Jackson. Indy was fairly vulnerable to the run before. You gotta think folks are just going "three yards and a cloud of dust" on them the rest of the year--if only to keep the ball out of Manning's hands.

The biggest disappointment this year has got to be Tennessee. I often say that water seeks its own level, and, when it comes to Kerry Collins, apparently so does urine. Because his performance this year has been the definition of piss-poor. After leading the Titans to an 0-6 start and that 13-3 season last year a distant memory, Fisher finally benched Collins for Vince Young, who has been living up to all that Heisman hype these past two games. It'll be interesting to see just how far they can turn it around. And let's hope Houston finally makes the playoffs.



AFC North

MY PREDICTIONS

1. Pittsburgh Steelers
2. Baltimore Ravens
3. Cincinnati Bengals
4. Cleveland Browns

REALITY

1. Cincinnati Bengals (6-2)
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2)
3. Baltimore Ravens (4-4)
4. Cleveland Browns (1-7)

Oh, like you saw Cincy's starting the season 6-2. I've always been a Marv Lewis fan. So, I'm sorta glad he's righted the ship so far. Let's see how long it lasts (if I sound snarky, don't forget I am a Pittsburgh native). I would be worried except the Steelers are on to that Jedi mind trick shit, too, and own the AFC North.

The Ravens are a little disappointing. The D is getting kind of old, and Ed Reed simply can't be everywhere--though it sure does seem like he is. I wonder if this year will finally convince B'more that they actually need a wide receiver who's not paying AARP dues if they're ever going to get anywhere. Well, I'm a Steeler fan, so I certainly hope not.

The Browns ... hm ... well ...

Here! Maybe these Jim Brown highlights will cheer ya up!!!





AFC West

MY PREDICTIONS

1. San Diego Chargers
2. Oakland Raiders
3. Denver Broncos
4. Kansas City Chiefs

REALITY

1. Denver Broncos (6-2)
2. San Diego Chargers (5-3)
3. Oakland Raiders (2-6)
4. Kansas City Chiefs (1-7)

When it comes to pretenders to the throne, the Steelers are singing "Don't Believe the Hype" so often that Chuck D. and the Bomb Squad must be rolling in the royalties. (Yeah, I went a long way for that one). Denver was the latest victim. I can't believe, with Kyle Orton, that Denver's doing as well as they are. But after Monday's game, defenses are going to believe, with Kyle Orton, Denver can't throw the ball down field. I imagine the Orange Crush is about to lose its fizz.

The only problem for San Diego is that LT has gone totally swish and can't be in the least bit depended on. In some ways, I wish they'd shed the Norv Turner Curse and finally win one. But it's so much fun making fun of Norv Turner, it wouldn't seem right for them to win.



THE PLAYOFFS

My initial BS playoff teams were the G-Men, Minnesota, Seattle, Carolina, Philadelphia, and Chicago for the NFC, and New England, Indy, San Diego, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, and Tennessee for the AFC.


Well, obviously, Tennessee ain't gonna make it, but the others still have a shot. I also had Pittsburgh and Philly meeting in the Super Bowl. I have a sneaking suspicion it's going to be the Giants, but we shall see ...


We ... shall ... see ...